There are few things that get under my skin more than witnessing a man walking with a woman on the sidewalk and the man not knowing or caring where he belongs. A man, or should I say, a gentle man,  always walks on the street or curb side of the sidewalk in America (the Euro tradition states that a man walks on a woman’s left, which can be curb side or building side.) I wonder that some men are confused because they have read or heard the opposing opinion that a gentleman walks on the building side. This alternate opinion is based on the notion that in the case that a flower pot or soup can should fall from a ledge or an open window and plunk his lady friend on the head, the gentleman would be there to catch said pot or at least absorb the brunt of the collision with his own thicker skull. Then the argument for the curbside is that a woman is protected from a wet or muddy splash caused by a passing car. As for for the transgressions against this rule, I suspect the violators don’t know any better and saunter on in oblivious bliss.

Let us make this clear once and for all. A gentleman walks on the curb side of the sidewalk when walking with a woman. Basta. Of course, SP understands that this can be a bit awkward when walking in a city such as New York, Boston, Charleston or San Francisco when a couple may encounter many turns and street crossings in a relatively short jaunt. In fact, I once had a lady friend say to me, “I know you are well-mannered and your intentions are gallant, but you are annoying the hell out me with all this switching from side to side.” In this case I acknowledged (to myself) my mistake for making my action so ostentatious and vowed (to myself) to make my transitions smoother in the future. But the truth is, I can not enjoy the walk if I am not on the curb. It’s so ingrained that it’s damn near obsessive. Or is it compulsive? Whatever it is, I am content in my place and confident the majority of women appreciate the gesture.

With the imminent re-issue of Take Ivy around the corner, it got me thinking (and Googling) about the original Preppy bible, The Official Preppy Handbook by Lisa Birnbach. Since the 30th Anniversary of TOPH is upon us, I wondered where Lisa Birnbach was and what she is up to these days. A link to her publisher’s website, Knopf, landed me on her new book due out August 10th. Called True Prep.  I am not so sure about this new cover, so I made my own. The triumph of the original is that it appealed to guys and girls alike, cover and content. This new one is looking a tad girly. But I do like yellow stripes. And Golden Retrievers. But pink Golden Retrievers? Oh who are we kidding? I’ve already ordered it. Here’s the catalog blurb from the website.

TRUE PREP
It’s a Whole New Old World
Written by Lisa Birnbach  and Chip Kidd

From the author of The Official Preppy Handbook comes a new take on the old world that Lisa Birnbach turned into an international best-selling phenomenon thirty years ago. True Prep looks at how the old guard of natural-fiber-loving, dog-worshipping, G&T-soaked preppies adapts to the new order of the Internet, cell phones, rehab, political correctness, reality TV and . . . polar fleece.

A small sample:

• Wardrobe: Recent prep brands we are forced to recognize. How to tell Casual Friday from, say, Saturday.
• Money: We never talk about it.
• Food: Does the Food Network mean we’re going to have to cook? Bake? Now you’re going too far.
• Scandals: Poor Mrs. Astor. When Mummy’s plastic surgery goes terribly wrong. Rehab and the slammer: the new prep schools.
• We’re outta here: When to name something after yourself, and when not. The right obituary. What to do with your dogs if you predecease them.
• NO TEXTING AT THE TABLE, PLEASE.

True Prep promises to be a whole new old sensation.
Go here to pre-order.

So there you have it. Expectations will run high and best-sellerdom is a sure bet. Time to pull out your Weejuns. The Preppy Revial has come full circle.

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If you thought the 2010 Academy Awards red carpet scene looked like the March of the Penguins you would not be too far off the mark. To push the point further, one could say the men looked like clones of one another with no individual style. Again, your aim would be precise. And this is entirely the point. At least when we talk about men’s black tie. Men should strive not to stand out, so I note with pride and satisfaction that this year’s attendees have come closer than anytime in recent memory to near sartorial splendor. Of course, that stunning achievement does not make my job any easier trying to find the classic great looks. Since I’ve vowed not to tear down the disasters and missteps (just too easy and very unseemly for us here on SP) we will have to raise the bar. Taking into account fit and tailoring, styling (peaked lapels or notched?), accessories (cummerbund, waistcoat, bow tie), hair (comb it), grooming (no scruff please) and age appropriateness (leave the skinny four-in-hands to the teens.

But first, a few observations and trends. The glaring one is Tom Ford’s hostile takeover of the Academy Awards appears complete. Not only has he dressed the majority of the men on the list, he outfitted the hosts of the show — Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin, commanded the red carpet himself and presented an Oscar. The trend of the wide peaked lapel is firmly established. Only one man on this year’s list sported a notch lapel. It is great to see most of the men chose to wear white pochettes (pocket squares). A new trend that played well is the emergence of the shawl collar and the scooped waistcoat. There were many pleated shirts and actual opera pumps in patent leather. And low and behold, tailoring was so prevalent the men who chose not to spend the time with a tailor stood out like slouchy sore thumbs. I’ve thrown in the towel on expecting clean shaven. It’s a trend too entrenched to budge. All in all, it was a banner year for proper and appropriate evening wear on the gents.

Herewith the list of the men who have embraced the call of classic and done it well.

Colin Firth (in Tom Ford)

Jake Gyllenhaal (in Burberry)

Tom Ford (in Tom Ford)

Chris Pine (in Ralph Lauren)

Taylor Lautner (in Dolce & Gabbana)

Peter Saarsgard (in Tom Ford)

Ryan Reynolds (in Tom Ford)

Lenny Kravitz (in Belgian designer Stijn Helsen)

Bradley Cooper (in Tom Ford)

Matt Damon (in Ferragamo)

Now before I get accused of being a TF groupie — though it is perhaps true — I will let you in on how the selections are made. First, there is the immediate reaction first impression. The first draft of the list is comprised. Then as we see the nominees again throughout the night, whether on TV, on stage, in the audience or at the parties the initial impression is adjusted as the details of the suit present themselves. Then the following day the photos are perused to determine if the first impressions were on target. Then diligent research is done to to determine who designed the suit. It is then, and only, then that it becomes evident Mr. Ford is the man behind five of the top ten looks. When you’ve got it you’ve got it. And this year he has it.

Finally, a word about decorum. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink. Or as Dorothy Parker paraphrased, you can lead a whore to culture but you can’t make her think or (come on, indulge me one more, I’m on a roll) You can put lipstick on a pig, but it’s still a pig.  This year’s attendees were all dressed up and had somewhere big to go. But what do they do once they arrive? The number offense this year was gum chewing. If I saw one more cow chewing his cud I thought I might blow a gasket. And this was not just the men, mind you. Women! were smacking gum like like Rizzo in evening gowns! I also spotted more men than I care to count shoving their hands in their pockets. Not a good look in an evening suit. Hand at your sides gents or behind your back. Not fidgeting with your suit or hair or face. And last but not least, poise. Is it too much too ask that you sit through the ceremony with a pleasant expression on your face? Yes, it is a shame that cameras are roaming the room and you’re forced to sit in one seat for four hours but deal with it. This is your one night in your chosen profession that allows you not only to make gobs of money but a pretty sweet lifestyle. Suck it up and paint on a smile. You are in show business after all. Ok. I’m done. Enjoy.

And the Oscar Goes to….
Oh, who knows? This is really just an excuse to beg you to watch Food, Inc. The most important film of the year, decade, maybe ever. I will be back on Monday with SP’s  highly-anticipated and most-viewed post of the year (Best Dressed Men at the Oscars!! So important!)  but thought we needed a little gravitas to balance those imminent exclamations. High and low. You know the routine. As for this documentary, I can’t say enough and won’t try to. Just watch it. I am not, nor ever have been, a tree-hugger/granola/Vegen type. Hell, I grew up in the Deep South on fried chicken, ribs, and all the fixin’s. But come to think of it I do love trees and have actually hugged a few from time to time. Oh, wait, we’re talking about Food, Inc. Just watch it. You’ll see.

A Little Night Music Light Shopping
Well, looks like I posted this too late. I signed up to receive an advance notice about the new LL Bean Signature collection — which is designed by Alex Carleton of Rogues Gallery – and flipped over the Eastport Ranger Moc Boot. Now as I go to post I see the shoe is sold out. Never mind. Sign up to receive advance notice on the next item. The video alone is worth the trip. Viva Maine! One of the greatest places on earth.

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Greek Monkey

For Greeks, how could you not? It’s been a while since SP roamed the halls of the fraternity house and raised a few hells and gave a few back, but even had I never crossed the threshold of a fraternity house I would still back flip over the lining in these jackets. I attempted to determine if the company would produce them without the crest (for non-Greeks) but received no answer. I think I need to give companies a lesson on proper public relations and the power of the emailer machine, but again I am full of digressions today. Even if the company will produce the jacket without the crest for non-Greeks you would have to change the buttons, but hey, that’s all a lot less expensive that making your own or trying to find one at Paul Smith. So if you want to express your inner dandy, check out FraternityBlazer.com.

Oh Fair Sweater, How Art Thou?
One of the greatest sweaters ever loomed, is the Fair Isle. And they are usually way too pricey for common folks. I scour the thrifts to find them, but the closest I’ve ever come is a scratchy acrylic number that would produce a skin rash if it didn’t offend my fabric elitism first. Sure this photo is on the way-too-tight end of the spectrum, but remember the styling lesson of the last post? I’ll bet you a hundred dollars there are about 8 binder clips behind this model cinching that sweater super tight, so ignore that and order your regular size. Check here at the Polo sale for a great deal.

Own It

This is about the best deal I’ve ever seen on a tuxedo outside of an outlet mall. If you can wear a double-breasted suit — you need to be the slim, tall and middle-width shoulder type to pull it off — this is the one. Considering that renting a full tux kit can run upward of 100 dollars for a slouchy off the rack suit, this one is a steal for less than 300 bucks. It’s called Investment Clothing. Run, don’t walk to Brooks Brothers.

No More Tears Hangovers
As you know by now, SP loves the booze as well as the boozer and is proud to say I am not that susceptible to hangovers. I call it being in good drinking shape. Now comes yet another remedy for the world’s oldest condition. According to this post by the “bros” at brobible.com this method may do for binge-drinking what liposuction does for over-eating: No consequences. Wouldn’t that be nice? But what about all my training?

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Brooks Brothers F/W 2010. source: ivy-style.com

A note to the uninitiated: New fashion collections are presented to the press six months before the clothes hit stores. The recent men’s shows in New York are a preview of what will be on shelves in the Fall of 2010.  Also, this post is loaded with links. Click on the bold underlined words and phrases for additional visuals.

Men’s Fashion is another one of those kooky oxymorons you hear bandied about from time to time. Well, in case you missed it, Men’s Fashion Week just finished in New York City and MAJOR changes are in store for every man’s closet. Just kidding. I am a firm believer that when it comes to men’s clothes, there is rarely anything new under the sun (surprised?). Now this isn’t to say I haven’t experimented with a few fads that came my way. I admit that I have, on occasion, forsaken the classics but always find my way home and this is where I plan to stay. So when we say nothing is new, then what are all these designers up to spending millions of dollars to dress models up and send them down a runway? Well, press coverage and brand recognition, of course. But it is true that every man needs new clothes once in while and many will buy these, even the kooky crazies. But I digress.

If all these designers put on shows twice a year, there must be something new to crow about so what exactly is new in men’s clothing?  The answer? Fabric, color, cut, patterns, shape, and most evidently as seen here below, styling.  But before we get into this, I have a pet peeve (surprise again) when it comes to men’s fashion shows. Why don’t menswear designers come out dressed in the clothes they just sent down the runway? If they want us to believe that these clothes fit into modern man’s life, why would they send outlandish outfits down the runway and then step out to take a final bow in t-shirt and jeans? It’s reeks of trying to pull a fast one. Have some conviction. Practice what you preach. Case in point? Michael Bastian showed a fantastic collection for the eccentric dandy full of classic shapes, classic patterns put together in offbeat ways — which warms SP’s heart – and of course, styled to beat the band. Then he steps out for his post-show bow in a button-down under a pullover and fatigues. Come on, Mr. Bastian. I realize that you haven’t slept in three weeks and you were pulling a needle through a hem seven seconds before the model hit the runway, but throw on one of those fantastic single-button blazers. They’re right there on the rack beside you.

Since no discussion of fashion would be complete without a trend forecast, here we go. There are always trends that hum around the design rooms taken from street style, the culture and whatever new fabric the mills are pushing this season. It is great to see the classic/prep revival/New England trend still going strong and the unabated influence of that seminal fount of inspiration Take Ivy . And bow ties, of course. Here are some of the other trends spotted from the recent presentations.  SP does not encourage or endorse:

- Layered sleeves, layered shirts. Short sleeves, mid length sleeves, and long sleeves all piled one upon the other OR blazer and suit jacket sleeves pushed way up over the elbow Miami-Vice Style. It’s just crazy.
- Deep country boots for the city. The Red Wing boot (knocked off ad nauseam), LL Bean Duck boots, Sorels and Band of Outsiders for Sperry Top-sider boots are all the rage it seems, even worn with suits. Oy.
- Rich textures and Eccentric Plaids – This trend we like, with caution.
- Fingerless gloves up the wazoo.
- Cropped jackets and Lettermen’s jackets are running rampant.
- Fancified sweatpants with cuffs and leggings. No. No. No.

And evidently shorts. Um, since this is a review of the FALL/WINTER collections let’s throw away any mention of shorts, shall we? Good grief.

- and ditto to all the shiny, metallic fabrics. As my friend Anabel says, Yo no peudo.

Now that all that is out of the way, let’s get down to some real clothes a man can sink his teeth into. Here are the ten best looks by (for the most part) Americans shown last week in New York (in alphabetical order).

Billy Reid – The sweaters are incredible, the coats, oh so classic and the trousers fit like a man’s pant ought. Texture upon texture looked like a rough-hewn classic throwback. The styling got a little loud once or twice,  but that’s the name of the game in “Men’s Fashion”.  Overall, excellent excellent clothes can be seen here.

Brooks Brothers - If you want to talk about triumph of styling, this is never more evident than in the presentation Brooks gave in the Madison Avenue store. Classic fabrics, shapes and colors come together in interesting and modern ways to make the definitive American men’s clothing house relevant and traditional at the same time. Love these combinations, and that tweed is killing me it’s so right. Don’t even get me started on embroidered pants, always a good look in my opinion. Some of the collection can be seen here at ivy-style.com.  For seriously sharp suits Brooks also has the Black Fleece Collection designed by Thom Browne and the Mad Men collaboration with Janie Bryant.

Gant by Michael Bastian - Again, styling is key here. There is absolutely nothing new at Gant, in fact the brand trumpets its old school bona fides. And that is fine with me. Sharp. More images can be seen here.

John Bartlett - Mr. Bartlett is back in a big way. He usually shows clothes meant for the, shall we say, “beefy” man and since SP is about four plates of ribs away from beefy, I don’t wear a lot of Bartlett. But this wool cashmere exploded Prince of Wales plaid in the trouser and the coat is whistling my name. Now this collection seems to me like the opposite of tricky styling. Good clothes standing alone, well done. See full presentation here.

Michael Bastian - Of all the men showing collections in New York this time around, Mr. Bastian is definitely “having a moment” as they say. Here the sought after balance of styling, cut, color, shape and pattern have come together in a surprisingly fresh take on classic. See full presentation here.

Simon Spurr and Tommy Hilfiger – Mr. Spurr is British but he chose to have his first show in New York which says a lot about what he wants to say and who he wants to reach. This is a brand new collection and it is remarkably mature for a first effort. I am not advocating leather gloves with suits, unless you are careening your Ferrari out of Milan on your way to St. Moritz for the weekend. But this suit is sharp. See the full collection here. As for Hilfiger, I will admit that I am not a fan of the logos, the stripes, the trying-too-hard Americana that has been the brand’s signature of seasons past and spewed all over suburban malls. But this look is dead-on fresh. And TH is usually affordable. Bravo, Mr. Hilfiger. See full collection here.

Honorable Mention: There were over 40 collections shown in New York this past season and many were definitely Not Our Kind. Although these last two collections below were crazy on the styling there were some great pieces to be found beneath the hype and hoopla. This cardigan from Gilded Age (full collection here) and this shawl collar Alpine sweater from Rag & Bone (full collection here) are definitely on the list.

Finally, while I am concentrating on American designers here, there were two from across the pond that I had to mention. This camel coat from Burberry Prorsum (below left) is just about the greatest thing I have ever seen. Unfortunately the military fetish of the rest of the collection tilts toward costume. See here. And here’s the tough one. Prada. I choose to ignore the Prada fixation as well as the whole slick Milan vibe, but this collection could have been worn by Ryan O’Neil in Love Story. The camel jackets (below right) and coats and the colorful sweater vests are terrific, but please ignore the mod-art patterned pieces and cinched, high-waisted cardigans. But the trousers, yes! Mrs. Prada can also keep all that black and grey in Milano.  The jury is still out on all those double-collar tricky tricks on the coats. See full collection here.

A word about American business. If you find yourself in solid financial territory and you have set aside funds  for clothing, by all means support American designers and put some of these looks in your shopping bag. Unfortunately, many of us are living on the table scraps called recession dollars and expensive designer clothes are not in the budget. But do not despair. Use this post as inspiration and guide, if you care to, and see what you can find at the flea markets and thrift stores (or your father’s or grandfather’s closet).  To be honest, that is where many design ideas and inspiration begin, so why shouldn’t you  go straight to the source? Just be sure you visit a good tailor who knows how to tweak, shape and alter out-dated silhouettes. Perhaps that’s the next post.

SP is indebted to the following sources for the images used in this post: Ivy-Style, GQ, Prepidemic and John Simon Daily.

The mail bag here at SP General Delivery has grown bulky (and some might say dusty, some of these were sent so long ago. Sorry.) So now it is time to sit down at the desk, pull out the quill and put our readers’ whirring minds at rest.

Bribery Quid Pro Quo

Hello, SP.

Yours truly applied to grad school and got accepted. This is good. Lots of credit goes to two co-workers who each wrote a glowing letter of recommendation. There’s real gratitude here, and I can’t figure out how to convey it. Can you? The right gift would cost under 100 dollars—but would not reek of quid-pro-quo—as in, “Thanks for the recommendation; here’s your payment.”

Thank you,

Joel

Dear Joel,

Congratulations on your admission to graduate school and postponement of the rigors of the real world for a few years longer. I envy you. As for acknowledgment of the indeed great deed done you by your co-workers, only your own judgment and experience should dictate how you repay your gratitude to anyone for any reason. That said, a well-written note is more than sufficient when it comes to this situation. Just to give you a different perspective I asked my friend Max — who is a respected educator and writer of many many recommendation letters for his students — to give me his take on this conundrum.

Max writes:

“I do get gifts, but I like the notes better–I keep them and re-read them when I’m down. I say go for the sincere note. If the grad school guy feels the absolute need to do something tangible, why not take the letter-writers to dinner (something I love–parents invite me out for grad dinners every year and they’re fantastic times)? That makes for a genuine and personal experience without the worries of material representations of gratitude.”

The Dreaded “Dressy Casual”

Dear SP,
Recently, many Bar Mitzvah invitations for evening affairs at nice venues have indicated Dressy Casual. I assumed that was more directed at the children attending where boys would not need to wear suits. I was surprised to see the adults in khakis and polos, women in slacks with a sweater. I am used to seeing people much more dressed up for these events, especially in the city. The problem is this happened in a small town in the Midwest. My question is I have addressed my invitations to a similar party in the same way, Dressy Casual, where I really wanted my adult guests to wear cocktail dresses and sport coats with nice slacks. What can I do now, and what should I have called it originally?

Thanks for your help,

(unsigned) KJ

Dear KJ,

SP loves a Bar Mitzvah. What a great party! My friend Jay’s Bar Mitzvah at the country club was one of the standout events of my adolescence.  Regular readers of this site will recognize a familiar rant here. SP abhors the encroachment of casual into all aspects of life: workplace, airplanes, churches, weddings and now Bar Mitzvahs? I can’t take it. Dress up people. Jesus. It’s one important day in the life of one person. Honestly. What do I have to do to reverse this trend, create a monarchy? It is not so evident in the big cities, but in small towns it seems epidemic. Stay strong, KJ. Do not succumb.

For the record, let’s review the traditional dress codes and my new clarification of the codes and go from there. The common conceptions of dress codes is such a mess that I recently received an invitation to a black tie event that read “Black Tie Formal”  and then the invitation went on to inadvertently insult the guests by explaining what this made-up term meant. “Tuxedos or Dark suits for the men. Gowns or cocktail dresses for the women.” Finally, if you’re ever confused on what the dress code is, do what I do.  Call the host and ask, “What are you wearing?”

The Way it Should Be (and historically always was) See previous post here.

Formal – Means White Tie and this is the only time you would ever wear a white tie.

Semi-Formal (or Black Tie) – Semi-Formal means  Black tie. Whether we call it a dinner suit or Tuxedo, it’s all the same.

Informal –  Means a suit, a tie and the whole nine yards. You could get away with wearing a blazer and khakis as long as the shirt is crisp, clean and collared. No polos.

Casual – although I abhor this term and it shouldn’t even be listed here as we should all be dressing this way anyway, but here goes, Casual means that you don’t have to wear a tie. Simple. It does not mean you can bounce up in a party with shorts and a t-shirt.  Wear khakis or jeans, a good shoe, a belt, a polo, a button-down or sweater and a blazer.

The Way it Is (a reluctant bow to contemporary mores)

Business Formal – means you should wear a serious suit, tie, good shoe et al.
Business Dress – means a suit and a tie or blazer, dress pants or khakis and a good hard shoe.
Business Casual – means a blazer, tie optional, polo or button down, khakis or jeans and a good hard shoe.
Dressy Casual – same as Business Casual. By the way, if there is any word I hate more than “Classy”, it’s “Dressy”.
Cocktail – means a suit and a tie or blazer, dress pants or khakis and a good hard shoe.

So there you have it. People to not know how to dress today so all you can do is hope for the best. But these are the rules and if people fall below expectations, this is their own lapse. Not yours. Keep the faith and dress appropriately.

Introduce Me Please

Dear SP,

If you are coming back from lunch with a co-worker and step onto the elevator to find an old acquaintance, are you required to introduce your co-worker to the old acquaintance in the 25 seconds that you share together on the way to the 6th floor where she works?

(unsigned)  Jacob

Dear Jacob,

I am afraid time is not a factor when it comes to social introductions. Whether it is 25 seconds or 25 minutes, the longer you let two strangers stand together without introduction is the amount of time you have insulted the person who is left out of the conversation. You need not go into your entire bio and recall anecdotes of drunken fraternity parties, but you should give each other’s names. Afterall, you are returning from a lunch date with a co-worker, not merely running into him for a shared ride. The co-worker is your company, the old acquaintance is the new arrival and introductions are called for.

Dodge Ball an Old Acquaintance

Dear SP,

What to do? To cut a long story short, I´d like to know how I would be able to break two long relationships ( we usually talk via phone, but there are always plans for some sort of meetings). My two friends are female and I have known them some 20-30 years. I have a feeling that I have grown out of these relationships; there really is nothing uniting us anymore. I ceased to make contact with them ages ago (I do send a Christmas card though ). I have changed my cellphone number, but then they call my husband and force him to give them my new number. I don´t have anything against them, nor do I have anything in common anymore. What am I supposed to do? I want to go on in my life; not live in past history. Please share some advice.

Regards, Metscan

Dear Metscan,

I feel for you here. As hard as it is to admit, we do grow, move on and change. The friend we once couldn’t live without can easily grow into one whose mere voice sends up crawling up the wall. Experience in life changes everyone and no two people travel the same road at the same time throughout life. But there is no need to hurt anyone’s feelings. You are doing the right thing by distancing yourself. With caller ID it is never necessary to get caught on the phone so you could just ignore the call, but this seems a bit harsh and as well as heartless. Could you not simply save it up and respond with one call a year or bi-annually to catch up? This would satisfy the friends’ needs and you could move on content that you have put distance between your relationships and at the same time not unnecessarily hurt someone’s feelings. Civility requires that we accommodate others’ feelings and comfort. When confronted or caught, you should be cordial. But if you can master the art of avoidance, you won’t have to deal with any of the unpleasantries. Good luck.

No Butts Please

Hello SP,

I have an etiquette question which I cannot find the answer to anywhere. I must be terrible at using Google!

When entering a row of seats, where people are already seated, which way should I face when squeezing past them. Either direction seems equally rude, but I’m sure one is less rude than the other.

Thanks!

Tony

Dear Tony,

This is such a great question and one I’ve never been asked before. You would always face the seated. It’s better to have an awkward smile as you pass than an anonymous butt squeezing by.

Age and Beauty Enter First

Dear SP

Regarding your post on door etiquette…here’s a question: If it’s true that people entering a building should allow those exiting to go before them, what does a guy do when exiting a building as a lady walks in? Which takes precedence: 1) those exiting, first or 2) ladies first?

(unsigned) Sasha

Dear Sasha,

Age and Beauty always take precedence in introductions and in entering and exiting. You would allow a woman or an elder to enter before you exited.

Plantation columns and blankets of snow are not often heard in the same sentence uttered in the Deep South. If a southerner sees snow at home during his lifetime it is as rare as, well snow in the South land. And actual accumulation is even rarer. The recent snow storm that swept across the Lower South (or Gulf Coast) lived up to prediction. Around noon last Friday, it was evident that this would be an extraordinary event, so I grabbed the camera, (ok,  iPhone) and headed out to capture some of my favorite scenes in my hometown in Southeast Alabama. Great houses in the Deep South are most likely seen surrounded by pink azaleas in full glorious bloom; it is a rare treat to see these grand old dames up to their hoop skirts in snow. So without many wise words, this post is merely an excuse to share a piece of my world that is so rare I thought it was worthy of a post.

Country – Oak Bowery Plantation is one of the last great houses still standing (and still functioning) in Southeast Alabama. The first thing I thought of when I woke up to the snow falling is I have to capture Oak Bowery in the snow. I navigated the car through the falling snow and drove way out into the country to see what I knew would be a spectacular sight. This great old place is one of the very few plantations still standing and functioning and open to the public. Available for events and offering bed and breakfast, Oak Bowery gives visitors a glimpse of an Old South that does not exist anymore. Except within the walls of these grand houses.

Town – Victorian houses in town equal the splendor and grandeur of those of the plantation society and were usually owned by members of the same family. Here is Miss Lucinda’s house in the historic district.

Natural - The South is known for lush countryside. Azaleas, Crepe Myrtles, Magnolias, Gardenias and trees trees trees. But to witness the peak of this colorful explosion one must brave the suffocating heat because the South is truly at its finest in the oppressive summer months. The winters are generally considered bleak with bare trees, brown grass and a gray pall hovering over the landscape.  So when I awoke the next morning to this frosted winter wood, I thought this has to be seen. And here it is.

One of the statements I hear most often when I am travelling is “I’ve never been to the South. Where should I go?” I respond that the South of most peoples’ imaginations is a place indeed gone with the wind. The South available to visitors and passersthrough today is primarily comprised of hideous strip malls massed alongside bare highways. There are a few old towns that escaped Urban Renewal in the 1970’s and a rare few of these are being rediscovered through conservation efforts. The majority of the great old houses are literally falling down into the dust and dirt, abandoned by the families for newness and proximity. The South of romantic perception still exists in Charleston, Savannah, Natchez, New Orleans and a few of the historic little towns clinging to their heritage. Admittedly there are some difficult and embarrassing passages in any book written about the South, and this is something no self-respecting (and educated) Southerner will run away from. But there are ineffably beautiful chapters in this book and this is something that Southerners should never shy away from. And I for one never will.

It should come as no great surprise to anyone when I state that my reading and writing tend to be pretty old-fashioned. Hell, it took the Great Recession to make me tolerate The New York Times online. (I had to give up the luxury of doorstep delivery because it is rather pricey). I live for the crinkle of a newspaper, the tearing out of articles and the underlining of striking passages. I attempt to bring that sensibility to the writing here on SP. I guess it’s an “Old” media approach to “New” in the same way SP looks at the rigors of etiquette and traditions through a modern perspective and practicality.

Where do you get your news and influences? Where do you check up on your culture? Your trends? Your cultural literacy, if you will. I occasionally find new blogs through links in news stories and postings, but like you I have my regulars and suffice with the happenstance stumble upons. It is a sticky, spider-webbed jungle out there. You could spend all day following links, and while this is indeed a good way to find hidden, un-buzzed gems when you have hours to spare, it is always nice to have a little guidance.

I recently stumbled upon this blog and a listing of the best men’s blogs as submitted by reader’s comments. Like any guide, this one has its biases. The readers are of a certain perspective and tend to be of the same tribe, which is good some of the time. Like men’s social clubs of old, you want to know what those of like minds think and where they gather, don’t you? I’ve looked over the nominations from these readers and just subscribed to quite a few of the suggestions. I think you’ll agree that it’s a very good starting point for navigating the blogosphere. His readers’ choice for the best men’s blog? www.acontinuouslean.com.

SP is often asked to link to other bloggers — and links to this site are greatly appreciated — and one day a links page will be added. But for the moment, it’s all very low-tech here on SP. The fact that there are postings here on a regular basis still amazes me even after this first year. And now with all this guidance, I may just find some content and technical inspiration and perhaps learn a few things.

Please use the comments section to enlighten us and direct us to other great sites, your own included. SP is never afraid of a little self-promotion. Don’t you be either.

The graphic above is lifted from http://jakedavis.typepad.com/

Commenting and advising on the interaction between would-be paramours would seem a bit off subject here on SP, but we respond to the readers and the readers this week have been pushing their romantic frustrations. Public behavior is addressed here and this subject definitely falls into that category. In the quest to form a more perfect gentleman, here is a little insight from a woman waiting to meet her man.

Anne writes:

Re: Changing our meeting habits

Dear SP,

We single girls run around town totally busy — on the subway, into meetings, out for dinners — and often catch the eye of a guy, smile and keep on running. So it was refreshing to hear of a lovely story from one of my single girlfriends in New York this weekend who caught the eye of a gentleman in Bloomingdales. A few minutes later he asked her for coffee. As much as this mirrors the movie Serendipity I have to give the man credit for having the nerve to approach her and start the conversation.

Now, this is a practice I may not have encouraged a few years ago believing this behavior un-gentlemanly and not proper, but in this day and age of internet dating and hectic lives, I am wondering why not? Why shouldn’t a man approach an attractive woman? The worst she can say is no and if nothing else you know you’ve given her a little ego boost. The meeting and matching scene has become so tricky these days with our lives so busy many women I know are on the internet searching for men the same as they search for shoes. Unfortunately these men don’t arrive in a box or fit perfectly. Many friends tell me “Oh. I know the perfect partner for you” and then I meet him and wonder what my friends really think of me.

Fast drinks and quick coffees are the practice of the trade with the internet dating crew – apparently you should never accept dinner on a first date as the chance of not getting along is high. I think this is a shame. It was with great delight I listened to my friend enjoy a lovely coffee, meet a new friend and who knows where it may all end? It might not be the perfect romance but the exuberant air with which she told the story made me happy that there are men out there willing to take a chance and make a move.

Regards,

Anne

Did anyone else hear the theme from Sex & the City while reading that letter? The old etiquette books tell us that a man does not approach a woman he does not know. If he holds the door for her, he is supposed to expect nothing more than a brief acknowledgment from the lady, perhaps a slight smile. The reasoning goes that a woman should be comfortable to go about her business without being harassed by strange men, and the even older notion that a woman’s reputation shouldn’t be compromised. These notions were determined and these books were written long before women were considered equals to men. In our modern times there needs to be an adjustment to the interaction between the sexes while still maintaining a level of respect and decorum. (Same sex interactions don’t have this dilemma. We don’t need to address this here, but some of the same expectations will still apply.) It is entirely in the woman’s court. If she is interested, or open to the man’s approach, she should let him know. It is usually only the most confident (and perhaps cocky) of men who will cross over and initiate a conversation with a strange woman he is attracted to in a public place. It’s a tricky, slippery slope, but if handled with grace and tact it could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Perhaps there’s an app for that in the works.

And this from a Gent:

Dear SP,

I am writing to get your opinion on something I have been toggling with for quite a while. I met a young lady at a social gathering. She happened to be working the event that evening as part of her job. The event was a social mixer. We hit it off instantly, the chemistry was great! Over the course of the next month our relationship grew. We established a regular calling pattern and invited each other on dates. Everything seemed well until we planned what was going to happen after watching a basketball game together. During the game she asked if I would be interested in attending a “wine event” after the game. Although I had a more intimate venue in mind for us to go, I acquiesced thinking that I should give her some choice in the decision.

As we arrived at the wine bar, I realized that she had thrust us right into the middle of a business-networking mixer. This was a surprise to me. It just so happened that she knew several of the patrons at the mixer from other parties she worked. I knew no one. I was a great sport and willingly participated in the activities planned by the host that evening. After the evening ended I thought this date was strange. Much to my disappointment, we ended up learning more about other people than each other. After approaching her about her questionable choice for the venue she became defensive and stated that the mixer was like any other social venue. Because this was our third date in our brief dating history, I am interested in knowing what rules of etiquette govern the choice of a dating location and am I crazy to think that in this point in our history a mixer is not a very good choice?

Sincerely,
Jay

Dear Jay (and other trigger-happy daters),

Congratulations on finding a possible mate. In this crazy busy world, as witnessed by Anne, it is damn hard to find compatibility. Especially after college when work consumes our lives and play time becomes less and less frequent. We careen off each other rarely letting opportunities land. With people so desperate for the chance merely to meet each other — the internet is now one very viable and even respectable way – we should leave snap judgement and easy sensitivities at home.

You want to throw this great beginning away because this woman took you to a work mixer? No no no. Step away from the ledge. If these were your only outings I would say perhaps she’s just not that into you. But as you say, you’ve been to non-work related events so she obviously enjoys your company. The next time it’s your turn to choose the date, take her to your favorite place, a new restaurant, what have you. Here you can be intimate, get to know each other better and see if this is the right place for both of you. In this increasingly crazy world where meeting quality, compatible mates is already hard as hell, we should be open to all of the possibilities and resist the quick judgments. Let’s leave the Hollywood clichés on the screen and realize attraction and reaction come in many forms. Remain open to all the possibilities. Now, why do I suddenly feel like the love child of Oprah and Dr. Phil?

Well, another perfectly good evening was close to ruination. The cause? Inconsideration and a total lack of decorum by a few cretins masquerading as gentlemen. There is an appropriate quote from Fitzgerald in Tender is the Night, I believe, lamenting the lack of decorum in men but the passage escapes me so I’ll take this time to paraphrase (crudely). There are many things a man can and should do when out and about in public: be polite, well-dressed, groomed, always courteous and considerate to a fault. Then there are the things a man should never be seen doing in public. And these occurrences are prevalent, I tell you. I am chalking this breach of character up to pure ignorance instead of puerile arrogance.

In the company of others a man should not chew gum, adjust his business or blow his nose (allergies are a different story, but try to make it the men’s room). A man should not put his hands in his mouth and never should he pick at his teeth after dinner, toothpick or not. In fact, a man should not use a toothpick in public. A man should not touch his face, fiddle with his hair, or put fingers in his nose or his ears. God forbid he should take out a brush or a comb! When in public, a man should not gaze longingly into the mirror at his own reflection. If this seems strict, it is. Men, let’s excuse ourselves to the men’s room. There in the privacy of a closed door to the general public feel free to perform your rituals, but never, ever in public. It just makes senses doesn’t it? Who wants to see these things?

While we’re at it, let’s remind ourselves not to talk so loud in public. No matter how hilarious and clever we think we are, nobody who does not know you honestly wants to hear your story. Don’t guffaw and hee haw so that you draw attention to yourself or to those in your party. Respect the privacy of others. Be attentive, not disruptive. These reminders don’t seem so harsh, do they? The world is getting more crowded, not less. Let’s make it pleasant, shall we?

(Yes, this post is a slightly-edited re-run of an ealier post. In my defense, even television shows don’t run original episodes 52 weeks a year. SP is overwhelmed with distraction at the moment, so please forgive. Big news to share soon.)