Comments on: Ask SP

By: SP

SP — Mon, 10 May 2010 19:52:29 +0000

Dear Jay (and other trigger-happy daters),
Congratulations on finding a possible mate. In this crazy busy world, as witnessed by Anne, it is damn hard to find compatibility. Especially after college when work consumes our lives and play time becomes less and less frequent. We careen off each other rarely letting opportunities land. With people so desperate for the chance merely to meet each other — the internet is now one very viable and even respectable way – we should leave snap judgement and easy sensitivities at home.
You want to throw this great beginning away because this woman took you to a work mixer? No no no. Step away from the ledge. If these were your only outings I would say perhaps she’s just not that into you. But as you say, you’ve been to non-work related events so she obviously enjoys your company. The next time it’s your turn to choose the date, take her to your favorite place, a new restaurant, what have you. Here you can be intimate, get to know each other better and see if this is the right place for both of you. In this increasingly crazy world where meeting quality, compatible mates is already hard as hell, we should be open to all of the possibilities and leave quick judgments behind. Let’s leave the Hollywood clichés behind and realize attraction and reaction come in many forms and we can be open to all the possibilities. Now, why do I suddenly feel like the love child of Oprah and Dr. Phil?
Cordially,

By: Jay

Jay — Mon, 10 May 2010 19:47:37 +0000

Dear SP,
I am writing to get your opinion on a something I have been toggling with for quite awhile. I met a young lady at a social gathering. She happened to be working the social event that evening as part of her job. The event was a social mixer. We hit it off instantly, the chemistry was great! Over the course of the next month our relationship grew. We established a regular calling pattern and invited each other on dates. Everything seemed well until we planned what was going to happen after watching a basketball game together. During the game she asked if I would be interested in attending a “wine event” after the game. Although I had a more intimate venue in mind for us to go after the conclusion of the game, I acquiesced to her invite, thinking that I should give her some choice in the decision.
As we arrive to the wine bar, I realize that she has thrust us right into the middle of a business networking mixer. This was a surprise to me. It just so happened that she knew several of the patrons at the mixer from other parties she worked. I knew no one. I was a great sport and willingly participated in the activities planned by the host that evening. After the evening ended I thought this date was strange. Much to my disappointment, we ended up learning more about other people than each other? After approaching her about her questionable choice for the venue she became offensive and stated that the mixer was like any other social venue. Because this was our third date in our brief dating history , I am interested in knowing what rules of etiquette govern the choice of a dating location and am I crazy to think that in this point of our dating history a mixer is not a very good choice?
Sincerely,

By: SP

SP — Mon, 10 May 2010 19:41:50 +0000

Dear Kevin,
Thank you for your kind words regarding the site. Approbation is always appreciated. Now, let’s tackle your query. If you say you CANNOT afford the new things you need, then by all means improvise. I would never urge you to spend money you do not have. And you would “pass” with the improvisation. BUT, if it is merely that you don’t WANT to spend the money, that’s a different story.
1. A dress shirt is not an evening shirt. Invest in a new evening shirt and studs.
2. Highly-polished black shoes will suffice, but are not ideal. Check out your local tuxedo rental shop and see if they will rent you the shoes separately if you don’t want to spend the money on pumps or patent leather lace-ups.
3. And yes, a cummerbund is necessary. There are affordable alternatives to new and expensive.
4. Get thee on ebay. You can find incredible deals on formal wear.
I hope this helps. Thanks for writing.
Cordially,

By: SP

SP — Mon, 10 May 2010 19:18:02 +0000

Dear Jim T,
Thank you for writing in, but I have to say I almost fell over at first glance thinking you were needing answers to all these. I thought, Lord man, I do have to earn a living. But upon further reading I see you were merely commenting, for the most part, and that is always appreciated. As for the last issue on elevators, buses, etc, you are right to let last on first off. As is always the case with doing what is right, let situation and convenience be your guide. If someone doesn’t move as expected, just step aside with a “Pardon me” and go on about your business. We don’t want to sit around all day trying to be proper when faced with ignorance or willful rudeness. Just carry on.

By: Jim T

Jim T — Mon, 10 May 2010 19:17:13 +0000

This entire column features a unifying item that pretty much spurs my brief questions: the elevator (introductions on, who gets in or out first, evolving friendships).
1. My wife abhors meeting people I know whom she does not. She’ll smile through and bear an introduction, then lecture me later about how much she “hates” that exercise. Her usual justification: “I’ll never see those people again …”
2. Her father’s recent death prompted condolences and visitations and offers to rekindle friendships she has since let fade away. As with your correspondent above, they are now trying to go through me to get to her. We were not “friends,” per se, but knew each other through her, and I got along fine with them all and their spouses. So far I have resisted responding, with the predicable silence in return. Maybe they’re getting the point, but she seems not to be. I’m feeling rude and caught in the middle not responding, but I know to do so will open up the whole ordeal all over.
3. I agree with letting age and beauty enter and exit first, but when it comes to elevators, buses, restaurant lobbies, I tend to always allow the exuant before entering, simply because there will then be more room inside. So how to deal with either people who refuse to “exit” first, or those who refuse to wait first?

By: SP

SP — Mon, 10 May 2010 19:15:20 +0000

Hey Peter,
The button down shirt was invented by Brooks Brothers after noticing the collars on Polo players flapping in the wind. It was called the Polo shirt. Incidentally, Ralph Lauren worked at Brooks and subsequently used the name Polo for his famous shirt. And only a button down collar with buttons on the collar can be called a button down. Thanks for writing.

By: Peter

Peter — Mon, 10 May 2010 19:14:25 +0000

We’re having a friendly disagreement here at the old salt mill as to what exactly constitutes a “button-down shirt.” Some feel that it means “a shirt with a collar that is buttoned-down,” while others contend that the term encompasses all “dress shirts,” i.e., even those with collars that are not buttoned-down.
Many thanks in advance.
Cheers.