Cooper: Help me out here. I’m going to a wedding in Madison, WI this weekend and am wanting some advice on a bowtie. I have a sweet BB linen suit in blue that I’m gonna wear. Got some nice white wingtips. You think I could get away with wearing a pink shirt and white bowtie? I know the shirt might be fine – but is the white tie reserved for tuxedos only?
Thanks,
SS, Opelika, AL
Hey SS,
Sounds like a nice get up and you are smart to go with linen. It will let you breath and not sweat through your suit, even on the dance floor. And wrinkles in linen are a sign of quality, so let it wrinkle.
As for you tie quandary, usually white is reserved for tails only and should not even be worn with a tuxedo. And that white would be cotton pique. What is the fabric of your white tie? Seersucker or linen? You could get away with it in that case. Otherwise, I would sport something a little more graphic. You already have the blue linen suit and pink shirt, which I assume are both muted light color. Why not shake it up with a bright red stripe tie or yellow, green, navy or bright pink even? Hope this helps. Have fun.
Cordially,
SP
Scott Snyder
posted on June 15, 2011
3157
SP,
I am a bit taken aback at the conspicuous absence of Auburn University on your recent preppy college poll especially after the painful inclusion of the University of Alabama. Being an alumnus (and ex-lineback – WDE) of the loveliest village on the plains, I am wounded.
On a side-note, I am somewhat new to this site and am enjoying it quite a lot. Cheers.
Hello Hunter,
Welcome to SP and WDE! You may or may not know that SP is a proud AU grad, was Greek and enjoyed the whole experience on the Plains perhaps too much. As much as it pains me to say it, AU is not that prep. The last time I was on campus, nothing had changed. Frat boys wearing party t-shirts, stand-up shorts, Croakies and flip flops. All with seriously brushed Bieber cuts (although the Southern Bangs haircut exceeds little Bieber by about a decade down South), so it is obvious the guys thought about the look ahead of time. If AU wants to join the prep, the brothers need to step it up.
Cordially,
SP
Hunter
posted on May 9, 2011
2843
Dear SP,
I noticed a glaring omission on your poll of Preppy Colleges. I am, of course, thinking of Wake Forest University, the premier preppy school in the country. Even worse, Duke was included while Wake was left out. Is it possible to add the Deacs to the poll? I wouldn’t want to see another school wearing an ill-fitting preppy crown.
Thanks in advance.
Doug C.
posted on April 22, 2011
2717
Table Manners
At lunch today at a national fast food restaurant, I observed an example of some of the worst table manners I have seen. A group of 8 or 9 year old students were dropping food on the floor, standing in chairs, talking loud, all the while their teachers were not paying attention. It took all I could do to withhold comments to the teachers. I realize it is not our education system to teach manners, it is the parents. If parents of school age children read SP, please teach your little ones table manners. Poor table manners as a child equals poor table manners as an adult.
I have to ask how College of Charlseton can make the “Preppy College” list and not Furman… Trust me, I don’t have loyalty issues with my alum school, because DANG… they were PREPPY! And I definitely was not.
Lynn
posted on March 28, 2011
2591
I am desperately (yes) seeking to purchase one of the Brooks bros reversible bow ties.Any of the patterns would suffice for my search. Any suggestions where to locate same?
Best regards,
mvb
The bow ties sell out each season as they are limited-edition. The new Spring 2011 collection will be online at wwwbrooksbrothers.com and in select Brooks stores in Mid-April.
Cordially,
SP
Mbrande
posted on March 26, 2011
2585
Whats going on with the bow ties that you made for brooks brothers.They said they didnt carry them anymore.I would like to get one. Thanks Whomever told you that was misinformed. The collection is a limited edition one and hence sells out rather quickly. The new Spring collection will be in store and online at http://www.brooksbrothers.com in mid-April.
You’re going to love them. Ca-Razy with color.
Jeffrey Altman
posted on March 19, 2011
2561
Dear SP,
I like to wear my red chinos for a more casual night on the town. I was wondering if there was a time or season I should not wear the red chinos with my navy blazer.
Thanks
William Ferguson
posted on December 26, 2010
2095
Do you have any intention of making a SP app? I can see great use for a pocket gentlemans bible featuring the SP archives or even just the Bill of Rites. I do not have much time to get online these days.
Dear BB,
This is a great idea and one that we are working on. Stay tuned!
Cordially,
SP
Beaufort Bro
posted on December 14, 2010
2051
Hey I just saw in Travel and Leisure that Charleston SC now has the best looking people in the US, one better than San Diego. Is that because you moved there? That would probably do it
Dear hcat,
I wish I could take the credit for this recent hoopla, but I’m afraid the pretty people of Charleston are in a class of their own and need no help from my presence. It does make one think twice before leaving the house though less than your best, I will tell you that. Thanks for writing.
Cordially,
SP
I recently bought a Black Watch blazer. What color trousers are appropriate to wear with it? I am not partial to black pants or trousers unless they are part of my tux.
Thank you.
Dear Mr. Jensen,
As with everything, it depends on the where and the what. Town (black or red/crimson cashmere, gray flannel) or Country (dark cords, gray flannels). Older sophisticated event (same as Town) or younger (I like dark jeans and velvet slippers). But for the most part, a Black Watch blazer is serious dressing up. If it has a black satin lapel, even more so, and hence is meant for serious pants. Or, as I suggest with jeans and slippers because SP loves nothing more than taking the piss out of things. Thank you for writing.
Cordially,
SP
Peter A. Jensen
posted on December 10, 2010
2044
Dear SP,
My question concerns cologne and aftershave. Should one use one or the other? Or can one use both in tandem? If so, how does one match the scents? Also, is it recommended that a gentleman use only one scent (i.e., establish a “signature scent”) or may he use a variety?
Many thanks.
Cheers.
Dear Anthony,
I’m not sure I’m the one to ask here as I rarely wear cologne and never wear after shave. I do spritz on a little Brooks when I’m in a dress up mood but that’s a rarity. That said, a great signature scent is always worth having and I think it takes a while to establish that as you try this and try that. My advice would be to 1st, be able to stand the smell on yourself, 2nd, don’t make anyone sick (or even notice your wearing it) with too much of a good thing. Thank you for writing.
Cordially,
SP
Anthony
posted on December 6, 2010
2029
SP
Sorry about your Iron Bowl loss. Who would think a Saban defense would lose a 24 point lead? Following the SP Bill of Rites declaration of fundamental traditions, I have the most basic question –khakis. Could you address your guidelines and preferences for this most important trouser staple? In this world of “new and improved” or “no winkle”, could you address selection of this staple clothing element as we are rapidly losing acceptable sources? For those of us deep in the SEC, if you might also comment on a summer selection for those 115* in the shade August days when those 8.5 ounce twill “Bill’s Kahakis” can stand up by themselves? Could you address the appropriateness of twill or poplin and your preference? Or if you feel this question has been adequately addressed elsewhere, then point us in that direction.
Consider addressing this most basic question your Iron Bowl penance. Don’t worry, this was a one year setback for Coach Saban with the AU purchase of Mr. Cam Newton’s services. Remember, when in Baton Rouge, “Fear the hat”. The Oregon Ducks will get a shocking dose of SEC reality. Geaux Tigers.
LSU David.
Dear David,
First of all, your regrets should be directed to the Tuscaloosa side of the state. My Auburn Tigers won that challenge and are on a date with destiny. Second of all, well, I can’t even begin the Cam Newton defense except to say he is a remarkable football player.
Now, on to the tasks of dressing in the heat. Guys down South should know by now the difference between summer and winter weight khaki but astoundingly, they do not. It’s a shame that Duck Head is gone because those were the ideal summer pant for hot as hell climes. You’ve got to invest in linen. I preach it over and over. Linen is the only comfortable fabric to make it through suffocating heat and humidity. Oh, and woe is the fool who wears jeans in the middle of the summer, even at night.
Cordially,
SP
David
posted on December 4, 2010
2028
I’ve just been alerted to your site. Absolutely superb. On browsing the posts for an hour or two, I’m keen on gaining information regarding a issue I am rather passionate about.
It is my wish to gain your opinion for a new project I’m undertaking. I’m planning on starting a style advice &portal for the plus sized male. We’re not talking morbidly obese, just those who are maybe a little larger than an ‘L’.
The stereotypes of larger men only wearing gimmicky t-shirts and ridiculously shapeless jeans is really grating on me so I’ve created a brand (SuperBad) to be a forum and coherent male fashion site, dedicated to the larger guy who is exactly the same as guys who fit into the standard ‘S-L’.
I’m launching around January (superbadonline.com) so would really appreciate any thoughts from anyone who has an opinion as to whether you think plus-sized men need a destination site for all things fashion orientated?
Thanks ever so
Victoria Loftus.
Victoria
posted on December 1, 2010
2008
Dear Sp,
I was taught from a very young age that it was inappropriate to speak about family money to adults in the family and worse, to friends. Recently a friend of mine has been constantly discussing just that with me, but also to her parents on the phone when I am around. It makes me very uncomfortable, but I’m not sure of a polite way to tell her without offense. What are your suggestions?
Sincerely,
Karen
Dear Karen,
I’m afraid you’re stuck in the money pit. It would be far more awkward to confront this behavior than to avoid it. We can’t like all the sides of all of our friends. I like to treat personalities as a buffet at which I choose the sides I like and make me feel good when I am around them. One hopes there are more good sides than bad. If this annoyance persists and isn’t avoidable, you might want to reconsider having such a tacky friend in the first place. Thanks for reading.
Cordially,
SP
Karen
posted on November 29, 2010
2003
Mr. Ray,
What about haircuts? I have extremely straight hair and can’t figure out what the hell to do with it!
P.S. Great job on Bill of Rites: Article One.
Dear Alexander,
Hair. Such a problem. There are style icons I could point you to, but in the end it’s up to your own genetics. But there are great products and great stylists who can set you on the right path. I think as a rule a gent’s hair should be moderate length, just above the collar or barely grazing it. Of course, there are some men who look great with longer hair and some look great in a buzz cut, but most of us look better with medium length hair. Keep an eye for guys who have the same texture hair as you. I have been know to chase a guy down on the street and ask who cuts his hair. It’s always (well usually) a complement and you can find a great stylist. As for style icons, I like vintage Steve McQueen and Paul Newman from the Sixties and my personal favorite look is the Brideshead. Jeremy Irons in the original Brideshead Revisted movie and Matthew Goode in the remake have perfectly cut and groomed gentleman’s hair. Hope this helps. Thanks for writing.
Cordially,
SP
Alexander
posted on November 29, 2010
2000
Dear SP,
As a soon to be college graduate, I find myself in need of your advice. I am a proud member of a sorority on my campus, and while my sisters are well behaved enough (especially considering the media stereotypes), I sometimes find myself frustrated with their actions.
My biggest peeve is at our formal Monday night dinners. The girls rarely set the table even close to properly – Forks and knives on the left side, etc. Younger girls leave their tables before the Seniors have announced the end of the meal. Despite a basic “Dinner Etiquette” educational program a year or two ago, and other reminders, no one seems to care. How can I get them to understand the importance of both table manners and manners in general?
Thank you!
Cordially,
Christen B.
posted on November 22, 2010
1980
Dear SP,
I moved to Charleston last year and have found your blog today, so that makes at least two recent successes. Seeing that you are also a Charleston resident, do you have recommendations for a local tailor for basic alterations as well as one for local bespoke? Thank you for all that you do.
Appreciatively,
Dear Matt,
A good tailor is better than a good hair stylist, well, almost. They are very hard to find. I do most of my tailoring at Brooks Brothers when I purchase the clothes. But, I am also an avid thrifter and need an outside tailor every once in a while. If you’d like to email me, I will point you to a few tailors in Charleston. Thank you for writing and welcome to the Holy City.
Cordially,
SP sp@socialprimer.com
Matt
posted on November 4, 2010
1939
Is there a way to subscribe to an RSS feed for your website?
stewart campbell
posted on November 3, 2010
1935
Dear Mr. Ray,
Where’s a young lady to go for instruction similar to what you provide for gentlemen here? I didn’t grow up in what I would call a mannered household, and now, as a woman in her mid-twenties, I’m trying to figure it out on my own. After all, if a lady wants a gentleman with manners, it figures she probably needs them herself.
I am in much need of your help! For Christmas I want to give my boyfriend a flask, or a flask set. We have been dating for almost two years now and want to give him something special. Of course I only want the best kind for him and not something that is purchased at a liquor store. Where is the best place/brand to buy elegant, monogrammed flasks?
Thank you
Margaret
posted on October 18, 2010
1900
Hi, I need your help. A coworker and friend of mine is throwing a Halloween Birthday party. I ju purchased a costume. When my friend asked what it looked like I brought up the website from where Made my purchase and was appalled when she stated that was her costume too. We are both plus sized people and finding a costume in our size, that’s comfortable and affordable isn’t easy. I offered to return the costume and get something else. She stated her costume (which she has had a few years) no longer fits her. I’m torn. I love my costume but don’t want to hurt my friend either. But she may have to get a new costume anyway. What are your thoughts.
Lisa
posted on October 14, 2010
1889
Mr. Ray,
I am a recent college graduate with aspirations to open my own boutique Public Relations firm. My firm will be headquartered in the south, catering to southern markets like Charlotte, Charleston, and Savannah. A southern girl born and raised, I want my firm to have a chic air of southern charm and sophistication — all while remaining a trendy, professional and upscale PR company you would find in New York City or Los Angeles.
I was wondering if you had any professional advice for a stylish, budding entrepreneur like myself! How did you find your niche in the industry? What tips do you have on navigating the high powered world of style and society, all while remaining authentic to your southern roots? What was your best technique in getting the word out about yourself, your brand, and SP? Any answers to these questions would be very appreciated!
I think you are fantastic and I absolutely adore SP! You’re doing wonderful work — keep representing the south so fabulously!
I have a problem that has been niggling at me for years. You see, I like to monogram things. Not everything, but some things. But, alas, I have four initials, and I am not keen on dropping any of them for the sake of retail convenience. To whom can I turn for help?
ABHD
posted on October 1, 2010
1863
What is the “SP” protocol for second weddings these days? I was not impressed with Emily Post’s advise! LOL
Robert Hickman
posted on September 30, 2010
1861
Good Afternoon,
I have a wedding coming up at the end of September on Lake Champlain. It is a casual wedding (the Groom is wearing chinos with a blue blazer and I am planning to mimic)and I would like to wear my pair of brown bucs. Given the casual nature of the wedding, the location and time of year is this suitable footwear?
Many thanks
CPR
posted on September 7, 2010
1803
Upon arriving home, it is raining, the man tells the woman to get out and open the garage door because he would get wetter because the door is on her side, should the woman be hurt? I’ve never been treated that way by a man. Is it wrong for me to have expected him to open the door?
Kristy
posted on September 6, 2010
1801
When introducing a man and lady, do you introduce the men to her, or her to them? What about if there is a group of ladies and one man, or a group of men and one lady? It would stand to reason that “ladies first” always applies, but I’m not sure, and know that at some point I was taught this and now I’ve forgotten. Please assist!!
Dear SP,
Somebody just mentioned to me that it is not correct etiquette to ‘congratulate’ somebody for their recent engagement or marriage. Rather, the correct response is ‘Best Wishes’. Is this correct, and is there an explanation for it? It seems like splitting hairs to me. But you know me: I am quite the Neanderthal when it comes to etiquette, which is why I am always trying to learn from The Master.
Dan
posted on August 27, 2010
1778
going to an early morning brunch wedding at 10 in the morning in dallas what will be the proper attire
respectfully, d. harris
dwayne harris
posted on August 21, 2010
1772
Dear Mr. Ray,
Just opened the new issue of Garden & Gun and fell in love with your bow ties. My son, the lawyer, has a birthday in 10 days and I want one for him! Brooks Brothers’ site indicates that they are out of stock. I can’t buy off your web site either!!! What gives? Where can I buy one? Please reply asap.
Sincerely,
Ann
Dear Ann,
I am blown away by the coverage in this month’s Garden & Gun. The photos are quite remarkable. As for the availability of the ties, the Spring/Summer collection has sold out on Brooks’ site and in most all of the stores. I did see a few in the Beverly Hills store last week when I was out there. Here is that number: 310-274-4003. Otherwise, the Fall collection will be online and in stores in about a month. I will post a notice when that happens.
Cordially,
SP
Ann
posted on August 6, 2010
1745
Dear SP,
I find myself in a rather interesting style delimna, and as a young man that finds himself sometimes misguided, I am placing myself in your demonstratedly capable hands. I have recently purchased a pale blue shirt with a contrast cuff and collar from Thomas Pink, and am planning to wear it out on a special evening with my wife (whom I see once ever several months, dual military mairrages are difficult like this). I was wondering, resteraunt decorum permitting, it would ever be acceptable to wear said shirt with dark demin? Perhaps if dressed down with knots? Anyway, I want to say that your words have been something of a guiding light for a young man looking for a little class, thank you.
-Kenny
Kenny
posted on August 1, 2010
1732
We’ve just moved into a house, built in ’48 and traditionally laid out. I’m working to perfect the layout of furniture the front of the house where the public rooms are located, and I’m having an issue as to where the upright piano should go. What are your thoughts on a piano in the dining room?
Jackson
posted on July 30, 2010
1728
I have a question. When leaving a restaurant, is it proper for the man to precede the lady? In the same vein, is it proper for the man to precede the lady into a church service to find a seat?
Kenneth Britt
posted on July 30, 2010
1726
Dear SP,
My boyfriend’s birthday is fast approaching and I have been searching for the perfect gift. He has very particular taste and is picky about everything he buys. I introduced him to your site and it is amongst his favorite resources; his opinions and style exactly in-line with yours. I know that he has been shopping around for new luggage, and I was thinking about getting him a man’s carry-on monogramed with his initials. Can you give any suggestions on this?
Thank you in advance,
Amanda
posted on July 27, 2010
1721
I have a beach house in the south that I used on and off during the year. I’m from Canada and it is a treat for us and we look forward to having friends down over the winter and spring to escape the cold weather. I have had four friends down for the last 4/5 years however this year one of the group organized that they would come to the beach house for a few days, then we could all go up to Savannah and stay at a B&B, explore the city , go out to dinner at a few restaurants she had always wanted to try and then we would all come back to my place for a few more days before they departed. I was kind of shocked she had arranged this and the extra cost to all was presumtuous. I felt that my house on the ocean had become “tiresome” for her and was kind of upset although I didn’t say anything. Except I wouldn’t go but they could if they would like to. Anyway she was voted down but what are your thoughts on this behavior.
sally
posted on July 19, 2010
1697
Dear SP,
As the mother of ten and fourteen year old daughters, I recently found myself in an awkward situation. My older daughter and I were extended stay guests (more than one week) at a lifelong family friend’s home while my daughter was training for an athletic event. The teenagers in this home were allowed many more freedoms than are permitted in our home including staying up late into the evening, going out late at night, partying with older kids and even some drinking. Clearly our values conflicted; and I didn’t want to offend our generous hosts by leaving for a hotel or openly passing judgment, but I sensed their children thought we were positively Victorian. My daughter is, by her own choice, a committed athlete attempting to achieve something that requires a disciplined lifestyle. I attempted to be a good guest in every sense by easing into their routine as much as possible but wondered if I need to justify our values when a guest in another’s home?
JO
posted on July 15, 2010
1687
Hello there, I too live in the south (fl) and find that going sockless throughout the majority of he year is just plain common sense. I have encounters a problem to this and was wondering wht SP would do; I have a pair of cole haan boat shoes among others that I adore, and being sockless has caused the innner lining where the sole of the foot rests, to get cracked and warped. How would I go about replacing them? Thank you for your invaluable advice. JD
Joey dee
posted on July 13, 2010
1682
Do you plan to have an presence in the Seattle area? – Rockwell
B. Rockwell
posted on May 31, 2010
1562
And, to add to SP’s comment, I would add that a true button down in the Brooks Polo style has a collar that bulges when the buttons are fastened — called the roll. For this reason, some say one should not wear a bow tie with this style and should tie only a simple four-in-hand knot, which is asymetrical but relatively narrow. This last point has more to do with complementary styles than anything else. The roll and the bow tie actually present a physical conflict.
jason
posted on May 25, 2010
1544
What is the significance and origin of the no socks rule and when does it apply?
David Thierry
posted on May 24, 2010
1542
We are preparing to embark on a house party at the beach and have been invited by some lovely people with whom we are in the very newest stages of a friendship. The total group includes four couples and a gaggle of children. Our hostess has invited us to stay in a beautiful resort at the seaside home of her parents. Her parents, whom we have never met, will be in residence at the time. My husband has offered to supply a full bar and cook dinner for the house party on Saturday night.
What do you think is an appropriate hostess gift for our friends? And what do you recommend for her parents, who are very gracious to open their home to complete strangers?
Pringle Franklin
posted on May 22, 2010
1540
Dear SP,
I am writing to get your opinion on a something I have been toggling with for quite awhile. I met a young lady at a social gathering. She happened to be working the social event that evening as part of her job. The event was a social mixer. We hit it off instantly, the chemistry was great! Over the course of the next month our relationship grew. We established a regular calling pattern and invited each other on dates. Everything seemed well until we planned what was going to happen after watching a basketball game together. During the game she asked if I would be interested in attending a “wine event” after the game. Although I had a more intimate venue in mind for us to go after the conclusion of the game, I acquiesced to her invite, thinking that I should give her some choice in the decision.
As we arrive to the wine bar, I realize that she has thrust us right into the middle of a business networking mixer. This was a surprise to me. It just so happened that she knew several of the patrons at the mixer from other parties she worked. I knew no one. I was a great sport and willingly participated in the activities planned by the host that evening. After the evening ended I thought this date was strange. Much to my disappointment, we ended up learning more about other people than each other? After approaching her about her questionable choice for the venue she became offensive and stated that the mixer was like any other social venue. Because this was our third date in our brief dating history , I am interested in knowing what rules of etiquette govern the choice of a dating location and am I crazy to think that in this point of our dating history a mixer is not a very good choice?
Sincerely,
Jay
Dear Jay (and other trigger-happy daters),
Congratulations on finding a possible mate. In this crazy busy world, as witnessed by Anne, it is damn hard to find compatibility. Especially after college when work consumes our lives and play time becomes less and less frequent. We careen off each other rarely letting opportunities land. With people so desperate for the chance merely to meet each other — the internet is now one very viable and even respectable way – we should leave snap judgement and easy sensitivities at home.
You want to throw this great beginning away because this woman took you to a work mixer? No no no. Step away from the ledge. If these were your only outings I would say perhaps she’s just not that into you. But as you say, you’ve been to non-work related events so she obviously enjoys your company. The next time it’s your turn to choose the date, take her to your favorite place, a new restaurant, what have you. Here you can be intimate, get to know each other better and see if this is the right place for both of you. In this increasingly crazy world where meeting quality, compatible mates is already hard as hell, we should be open to all of the possibilities and leave quick judgments behind. Let’s leave the Hollywood clichés behind and realize attraction and reaction come in many forms and we can be open to all the possibilities. Now, why do I suddenly feel like the love child of Oprah and Dr. Phil?
Cordially,
Cordially,
SP
posted on May 10, 2010
1515
SP:
Great site. I’ve been following it for some time now, and it only gets better.
I am slated to attend a black-tie reception and dinner in a couple of months, and I have a couple of questions regarding proper dress. I own a custom-tailored classic tuxedo that was made for my wedding (and it still fits perfect after 10 years, no doubt). The look I’m going for is classic–Daniel Craig in Casino Royale, if you will. With the background that I don’t particularly want to spend money on patent-leather shoes I’ll only wear once every three years (ditto pleated shirt and studs), my questions are these:
1. Instead of the pleated, studded shirt, would a classic semi-spread collar french-cuff dress shirt suffice?
2. Will expertly polished black cap-toe dress shoes suffice?
3. Is a cummerbund necessary, or would black suspenders be just as appropriate?
Thanks so much in advance.
kevin
Dear Kevin,
Thank you for your kind words regarding the site. Approbation is always appreciated. Now, let’s tackle your query. If you say you CANNOT afford the new things you need, then by all means improvise. I would never urge you to spend money you do not have. And you would “pass” with the improvisation. BUT, if it is merely that you don’t WANT to spend the money, that’s a different story.
1. A dress shirt is not an evening shirt. Invest in a new evening shirt and studs.
2. Highly-polished black shoes will suffice, but are not ideal. Check out your local tuxedo rental shop and see if they will rent you the shoes separately if you don’t want to spend the money on pumps or patent leather lace-ups.
3. And yes, a cummerbund is necessary. There are affordable alternatives to new and expensive.
4. Get thee on ebay. You can find incredible deals on formal wear.
I hope this helps. Thanks for writing.
Cordially,
Cordially,
SP
posted on May 10, 2010
1512
This entire column features a unifying item that pretty much spurs my brief questions: the elevator (introductions on, who gets in or out first, evolving friendships).
1. My wife abhors meeting people I know whom she does not. She’ll smile through and bear an introduction, then lecture me later about how much she “hates” that exercise. Her usual justification: “I’ll never see those people again …”
2. Her father’s recent death prompted condolences and visitations and offers to rekindle friendships she has since let fade away. As with your correspondent above, they are now trying to go through me to get to her. We were not “friends,” per se, but knew each other through her, and I got along fine with them all and their spouses. So far I have resisted responding, with the predicable silence in return. Maybe they’re getting the point, but she seems not to be. I’m feeling rude and caught in the middle not responding, but I know to do so will open up the whole ordeal all over.
3. I agree with letting age and beauty enter and exit first, but when it comes to elevators, buses, restaurant lobbies, I tend to always allow the exuant before entering, simply because there will then be more room inside. So how to deal with either people who refuse to “exit” first, or those who refuse to wait first?
Jim T
Dear Jim T,
Thank you for writing in, but I have to say I almost fell over at first glance thinking you were needing answers to all these. I thought, Lord man, I do have to earn a living. But upon further reading I see you were merely commenting, for the most part, and that is always appreciated. As for the last issue on elevators, buses, etc, you are right to let last on first off. As is always the case with doing what is right, let situation and convenience be your guide. If someone doesn’t move as expected, just step aside with a “Pardon me” and go on about your business. We don’t want to sit around all day trying to be proper when faced with ignorance or willful rudeness. Just carry on.
Cordially,
SP
posted on May 10, 2010
1510
We’re having a friendly disagreement here at the old salt mill as to what exactly constitutes a “button-down shirt.” Some feel that it means “a shirt with a collar that is buttoned-down,” while others contend that the term encompasses all “dress shirts,” i.e., even those with collars that are not buttoned-down.
Many thanks in advance.
Cheers.
Peter
Hey Peter,
The button down shirt was invented by Brooks Brothers after noticing the collars on Polo players flapping in the wind. It was called the Polo shirt. Incidentally, Ralph Lauren worked at Brooks and subsequently used the name Polo for his famous shirt. And only a button down collar with buttons on the collar can be called a button down. Thanks for writing.
Sweet Briar College in Virginia is by far quite possibly THE preppiest college in America!
Foxy
posted on October 8, 2011
3420
Cooper: Help me out here. I’m going to a wedding in Madison, WI this weekend and am wanting some advice on a bowtie. I have a sweet BB linen suit in blue that I’m gonna wear. Got some nice white wingtips. You think I could get away with wearing a pink shirt and white bowtie? I know the shirt might be fine – but is the white tie reserved for tuxedos only?
Thanks,
SS, Opelika, AL
Hey SS,
Sounds like a nice get up and you are smart to go with linen. It will let you breath and not sweat through your suit, even on the dance floor. And wrinkles in linen are a sign of quality, so let it wrinkle.
As for you tie quandary, usually white is reserved for tails only and should not even be worn with a tuxedo. And that white would be cotton pique. What is the fabric of your white tie? Seersucker or linen? You could get away with it in that case. Otherwise, I would sport something a little more graphic. You already have the blue linen suit and pink shirt, which I assume are both muted light color. Why not shake it up with a bright red stripe tie or yellow, green, navy or bright pink even? Hope this helps. Have fun.
Cordially,
SP
Scott Snyder
posted on June 15, 2011
3157
SP,
I am a bit taken aback at the conspicuous absence of Auburn University on your recent preppy college poll especially after the painful inclusion of the University of Alabama. Being an alumnus (and ex-lineback – WDE) of the loveliest village on the plains, I am wounded.
On a side-note, I am somewhat new to this site and am enjoying it quite a lot. Cheers.
Hello Hunter,
Welcome to SP and WDE! You may or may not know that SP is a proud AU grad, was Greek and enjoyed the whole experience on the Plains perhaps too much. As much as it pains me to say it, AU is not that prep. The last time I was on campus, nothing had changed. Frat boys wearing party t-shirts, stand-up shorts, Croakies and flip flops. All with seriously brushed Bieber cuts (although the Southern Bangs haircut exceeds little Bieber by about a decade down South), so it is obvious the guys thought about the look ahead of time. If AU wants to join the prep, the brothers need to step it up.
Cordially,
SP
Hunter
posted on May 9, 2011
2843
Dear SP,
I noticed a glaring omission on your poll of Preppy Colleges. I am, of course, thinking of Wake Forest University, the premier preppy school in the country. Even worse, Duke was included while Wake was left out. Is it possible to add the Deacs to the poll? I wouldn’t want to see another school wearing an ill-fitting preppy crown.
Thanks in advance.
Doug C.
posted on April 22, 2011
2717
Table Manners
At lunch today at a national fast food restaurant, I observed an example of some of the worst table manners I have seen. A group of 8 or 9 year old students were dropping food on the floor, standing in chairs, talking loud, all the while their teachers were not paying attention. It took all I could do to withhold comments to the teachers. I realize it is not our education system to teach manners, it is the parents. If parents of school age children read SP, please teach your little ones table manners. Poor table manners as a child equals poor table manners as an adult.
Bill Vickery
posted on April 12, 2011
2699
I have to ask how College of Charlseton can make the “Preppy College” list and not Furman… Trust me, I don’t have loyalty issues with my alum school, because DANG… they were PREPPY! And I definitely was not.
Lynn
posted on March 28, 2011
2591
I am desperately (yes) seeking to purchase one of the Brooks bros reversible bow ties.Any of the patterns would suffice for my search. Any suggestions where to locate same?
Best regards,
mvb
The bow ties sell out each season as they are limited-edition. The new Spring 2011 collection will be online at wwwbrooksbrothers.com and in select Brooks stores in Mid-April.
Cordially,
SP
Mbrande
posted on March 26, 2011
2585
Whats going on with the bow ties that you made for brooks brothers.They said they didnt carry them anymore.I would like to get one. Thanks
Whomever told you that was misinformed. The collection is a limited edition one and hence sells out rather quickly. The new Spring collection will be in store and online at http://www.brooksbrothers.com in mid-April.
You’re going to love them. Ca-Razy with color.
Jeffrey Altman
posted on March 19, 2011
2561
Dear SP,
I like to wear my red chinos for a more casual night on the town. I was wondering if there was a time or season I should not wear the red chinos with my navy blazer.
Thanks
William Ferguson
posted on December 26, 2010
2095
Do you have any intention of making a SP app? I can see great use for a pocket gentlemans bible featuring the SP archives or even just the Bill of Rites. I do not have much time to get online these days.
Dear BB,
This is a great idea and one that we are working on. Stay tuned!
Cordially,
SP
Beaufort Bro
posted on December 14, 2010
2051
Hey I just saw in Travel and Leisure that Charleston SC now has the best looking people in the US, one better than San Diego. Is that because you moved there? That would probably do it
Dear hcat,
I wish I could take the credit for this recent hoopla, but I’m afraid the pretty people of Charleston are in a class of their own and need no help from my presence. It does make one think twice before leaving the house though less than your best, I will tell you that. Thanks for writing.
Cordially,
SP
hcat
posted on December 11, 2010
2046
I recently bought a Black Watch blazer. What color trousers are appropriate to wear with it? I am not partial to black pants or trousers unless they are part of my tux.
Thank you.
Dear Mr. Jensen,
As with everything, it depends on the where and the what. Town (black or red/crimson cashmere, gray flannel) or Country (dark cords, gray flannels). Older sophisticated event (same as Town) or younger (I like dark jeans and velvet slippers). But for the most part, a Black Watch blazer is serious dressing up. If it has a black satin lapel, even more so, and hence is meant for serious pants. Or, as I suggest with jeans and slippers because SP loves nothing more than taking the piss out of things. Thank you for writing.
Cordially,
SP
Peter A. Jensen
posted on December 10, 2010
2044
Dear SP,
My question concerns cologne and aftershave. Should one use one or the other? Or can one use both in tandem? If so, how does one match the scents? Also, is it recommended that a gentleman use only one scent (i.e., establish a “signature scent”) or may he use a variety?
Many thanks.
Cheers.
Dear Anthony,
I’m not sure I’m the one to ask here as I rarely wear cologne and never wear after shave. I do spritz on a little Brooks when I’m in a dress up mood but that’s a rarity. That said, a great signature scent is always worth having and I think it takes a while to establish that as you try this and try that. My advice would be to 1st, be able to stand the smell on yourself, 2nd, don’t make anyone sick (or even notice your wearing it) with too much of a good thing. Thank you for writing.
Cordially,
SP
Anthony
posted on December 6, 2010
2029
SP
Sorry about your Iron Bowl loss. Who would think a Saban defense would lose a 24 point lead? Following the SP Bill of Rites declaration of fundamental traditions, I have the most basic question –khakis. Could you address your guidelines and preferences for this most important trouser staple? In this world of “new and improved” or “no winkle”, could you address selection of this staple clothing element as we are rapidly losing acceptable sources? For those of us deep in the SEC, if you might also comment on a summer selection for those 115* in the shade August days when those 8.5 ounce twill “Bill’s Kahakis” can stand up by themselves? Could you address the appropriateness of twill or poplin and your preference? Or if you feel this question has been adequately addressed elsewhere, then point us in that direction.
Consider addressing this most basic question your Iron Bowl penance. Don’t worry, this was a one year setback for Coach Saban with the AU purchase of Mr. Cam Newton’s services. Remember, when in Baton Rouge, “Fear the hat”. The Oregon Ducks will get a shocking dose of SEC reality. Geaux Tigers.
LSU David.
Dear David,
First of all, your regrets should be directed to the Tuscaloosa side of the state. My Auburn Tigers won that challenge and are on a date with destiny. Second of all, well, I can’t even begin the Cam Newton defense except to say he is a remarkable football player.
Now, on to the tasks of dressing in the heat. Guys down South should know by now the difference between summer and winter weight khaki but astoundingly, they do not. It’s a shame that Duck Head is gone because those were the ideal summer pant for hot as hell climes. You’ve got to invest in linen. I preach it over and over. Linen is the only comfortable fabric to make it through suffocating heat and humidity. Oh, and woe is the fool who wears jeans in the middle of the summer, even at night.
Cordially,
SP
David
posted on December 4, 2010
2028
I’ve just been alerted to your site. Absolutely superb. On browsing the posts for an hour or two, I’m keen on gaining information regarding a issue I am rather passionate about.
It is my wish to gain your opinion for a new project I’m undertaking. I’m planning on starting a style advice &portal for the plus sized male. We’re not talking morbidly obese, just those who are maybe a little larger than an ‘L’.
The stereotypes of larger men only wearing gimmicky t-shirts and ridiculously shapeless jeans is really grating on me so I’ve created a brand (SuperBad) to be a forum and coherent male fashion site, dedicated to the larger guy who is exactly the same as guys who fit into the standard ‘S-L’.
I’m launching around January (superbadonline.com) so would really appreciate any thoughts from anyone who has an opinion as to whether you think plus-sized men need a destination site for all things fashion orientated?
Thanks ever so
Victoria Loftus.
Victoria
posted on December 1, 2010
2008
Dear Sp,
I was taught from a very young age that it was inappropriate to speak about family money to adults in the family and worse, to friends. Recently a friend of mine has been constantly discussing just that with me, but also to her parents on the phone when I am around. It makes me very uncomfortable, but I’m not sure of a polite way to tell her without offense. What are your suggestions?
Sincerely,
Karen
Dear Karen,
I’m afraid you’re stuck in the money pit. It would be far more awkward to confront this behavior than to avoid it. We can’t like all the sides of all of our friends. I like to treat personalities as a buffet at which I choose the sides I like and make me feel good when I am around them. One hopes there are more good sides than bad. If this annoyance persists and isn’t avoidable, you might want to reconsider having such a tacky friend in the first place. Thanks for reading.
Cordially,
SP
Karen
posted on November 29, 2010
2003
Mr. Ray,
What about haircuts? I have extremely straight hair and can’t figure out what the hell to do with it!
P.S. Great job on Bill of Rites: Article One.
Dear Alexander,
Hair. Such a problem. There are style icons I could point you to, but in the end it’s up to your own genetics. But there are great products and great stylists who can set you on the right path. I think as a rule a gent’s hair should be moderate length, just above the collar or barely grazing it. Of course, there are some men who look great with longer hair and some look great in a buzz cut, but most of us look better with medium length hair. Keep an eye for guys who have the same texture hair as you. I have been know to chase a guy down on the street and ask who cuts his hair. It’s always (well usually) a complement and you can find a great stylist. As for style icons, I like vintage Steve McQueen and Paul Newman from the Sixties and my personal favorite look is the Brideshead. Jeremy Irons in the original Brideshead Revisted movie and Matthew Goode in the remake have perfectly cut and groomed gentleman’s hair. Hope this helps. Thanks for writing.
Cordially,
SP
Alexander
posted on November 29, 2010
2000
Dear SP,
As a soon to be college graduate, I find myself in need of your advice. I am a proud member of a sorority on my campus, and while my sisters are well behaved enough (especially considering the media stereotypes), I sometimes find myself frustrated with their actions.
My biggest peeve is at our formal Monday night dinners. The girls rarely set the table even close to properly – Forks and knives on the left side, etc. Younger girls leave their tables before the Seniors have announced the end of the meal. Despite a basic “Dinner Etiquette” educational program a year or two ago, and other reminders, no one seems to care. How can I get them to understand the importance of both table manners and manners in general?
Thank you!
Cordially,
Christen B.
posted on November 22, 2010
1980
Dear SP,
I moved to Charleston last year and have found your blog today, so that makes at least two recent successes. Seeing that you are also a Charleston resident, do you have recommendations for a local tailor for basic alterations as well as one for local bespoke? Thank you for all that you do.
Appreciatively,
Dear Matt,
A good tailor is better than a good hair stylist, well, almost. They are very hard to find. I do most of my tailoring at Brooks Brothers when I purchase the clothes. But, I am also an avid thrifter and need an outside tailor every once in a while. If you’d like to email me, I will point you to a few tailors in Charleston. Thank you for writing and welcome to the Holy City.
Cordially,
SP
sp@socialprimer.com
Matt
posted on November 4, 2010
1939
Is there a way to subscribe to an RSS feed for your website?
stewart campbell
posted on November 3, 2010
1935
Dear Mr. Ray,
Where’s a young lady to go for instruction similar to what you provide for gentlemen here? I didn’t grow up in what I would call a mannered household, and now, as a woman in her mid-twenties, I’m trying to figure it out on my own. After all, if a lady wants a gentleman with manners, it figures she probably needs them herself.
Suggestions?
Regards,
Dallas Blue
posted on October 28, 2010
1919
Dear SP,
I am in much need of your help! For Christmas I want to give my boyfriend a flask, or a flask set. We have been dating for almost two years now and want to give him something special. Of course I only want the best kind for him and not something that is purchased at a liquor store. Where is the best place/brand to buy elegant, monogrammed flasks?
Thank you
Margaret
posted on October 18, 2010
1900
Hi, I need your help. A coworker and friend of mine is throwing a Halloween Birthday party. I ju purchased a costume. When my friend asked what it looked like I brought up the website from where Made my purchase and was appalled when she stated that was her costume too. We are both plus sized people and finding a costume in our size, that’s comfortable and affordable isn’t easy. I offered to return the costume and get something else. She stated her costume (which she has had a few years) no longer fits her. I’m torn. I love my costume but don’t want to hurt my friend either. But she may have to get a new costume anyway. What are your thoughts.
Lisa
posted on October 14, 2010
1889
Mr. Ray,
I am a recent college graduate with aspirations to open my own boutique Public Relations firm. My firm will be headquartered in the south, catering to southern markets like Charlotte, Charleston, and Savannah. A southern girl born and raised, I want my firm to have a chic air of southern charm and sophistication — all while remaining a trendy, professional and upscale PR company you would find in New York City or Los Angeles.
I was wondering if you had any professional advice for a stylish, budding entrepreneur like myself! How did you find your niche in the industry? What tips do you have on navigating the high powered world of style and society, all while remaining authentic to your southern roots? What was your best technique in getting the word out about yourself, your brand, and SP? Any answers to these questions would be very appreciated!
I think you are fantastic and I absolutely adore SP! You’re doing wonderful work — keep representing the south so fabulously!
Kind regards,
Rachel
Rachel
posted on October 7, 2010
1881
Dear SP,
Your website is lovely.
I have a problem that has been niggling at me for years. You see, I like to monogram things. Not everything, but some things. But, alas, I have four initials, and I am not keen on dropping any of them for the sake of retail convenience. To whom can I turn for help?
ABHD
posted on October 1, 2010
1863
What is the “SP” protocol for second weddings these days? I was not impressed with Emily Post’s advise! LOL
Robert Hickman
posted on September 30, 2010
1861
Good Afternoon,
I have a wedding coming up at the end of September on Lake Champlain. It is a casual wedding (the Groom is wearing chinos with a blue blazer and I am planning to mimic)and I would like to wear my pair of brown bucs. Given the casual nature of the wedding, the location and time of year is this suitable footwear?
Many thanks
CPR
posted on September 7, 2010
1803
Upon arriving home, it is raining, the man tells the woman to get out and open the garage door because he would get wetter because the door is on her side, should the woman be hurt? I’ve never been treated that way by a man. Is it wrong for me to have expected him to open the door?
Kristy
posted on September 6, 2010
1801
When introducing a man and lady, do you introduce the men to her, or her to them? What about if there is a group of ladies and one man, or a group of men and one lady? It would stand to reason that “ladies first” always applies, but I’m not sure, and know that at some point I was taught this and now I’ve forgotten. Please assist!!
Ryan Thomas Poag
posted on September 2, 2010
1797
Dear SP,
Somebody just mentioned to me that it is not correct etiquette to ‘congratulate’ somebody for their recent engagement or marriage. Rather, the correct response is ‘Best Wishes’. Is this correct, and is there an explanation for it? It seems like splitting hairs to me. But you know me: I am quite the Neanderthal when it comes to etiquette, which is why I am always trying to learn from The Master.
Dan
posted on August 27, 2010
1778
going to an early morning brunch wedding at 10 in the morning in dallas what will be the proper attire
respectfully, d. harris
dwayne harris
posted on August 21, 2010
1772
Dear Mr. Ray,
Just opened the new issue of Garden & Gun and fell in love with your bow ties. My son, the lawyer, has a birthday in 10 days and I want one for him! Brooks Brothers’ site indicates that they are out of stock. I can’t buy off your web site either!!! What gives? Where can I buy one? Please reply asap.
Sincerely,
Ann
Dear Ann,
I am blown away by the coverage in this month’s Garden & Gun. The photos are quite remarkable. As for the availability of the ties, the Spring/Summer collection has sold out on Brooks’ site and in most all of the stores. I did see a few in the Beverly Hills store last week when I was out there. Here is that number: 310-274-4003. Otherwise, the Fall collection will be online and in stores in about a month. I will post a notice when that happens.
Cordially,
SP
Ann
posted on August 6, 2010
1745
Dear SP,
I find myself in a rather interesting style delimna, and as a young man that finds himself sometimes misguided, I am placing myself in your demonstratedly capable hands. I have recently purchased a pale blue shirt with a contrast cuff and collar from Thomas Pink, and am planning to wear it out on a special evening with my wife (whom I see once ever several months, dual military mairrages are difficult like this). I was wondering, resteraunt decorum permitting, it would ever be acceptable to wear said shirt with dark demin? Perhaps if dressed down with knots? Anyway, I want to say that your words have been something of a guiding light for a young man looking for a little class, thank you.
-Kenny
Kenny
posted on August 1, 2010
1732
We’ve just moved into a house, built in ’48 and traditionally laid out. I’m working to perfect the layout of furniture the front of the house where the public rooms are located, and I’m having an issue as to where the upright piano should go. What are your thoughts on a piano in the dining room?
Jackson
posted on July 30, 2010
1728
I have a question. When leaving a restaurant, is it proper for the man to precede the lady? In the same vein, is it proper for the man to precede the lady into a church service to find a seat?
Kenneth Britt
posted on July 30, 2010
1726
Dear SP,
My boyfriend’s birthday is fast approaching and I have been searching for the perfect gift. He has very particular taste and is picky about everything he buys. I introduced him to your site and it is amongst his favorite resources; his opinions and style exactly in-line with yours. I know that he has been shopping around for new luggage, and I was thinking about getting him a man’s carry-on monogramed with his initials. Can you give any suggestions on this?
Thank you in advance,
Amanda
posted on July 27, 2010
1721
I have a beach house in the south that I used on and off during the year. I’m from Canada and it is a treat for us and we look forward to having friends down over the winter and spring to escape the cold weather. I have had four friends down for the last 4/5 years however this year one of the group organized that they would come to the beach house for a few days, then we could all go up to Savannah and stay at a B&B, explore the city , go out to dinner at a few restaurants she had always wanted to try and then we would all come back to my place for a few more days before they departed. I was kind of shocked she had arranged this and the extra cost to all was presumtuous. I felt that my house on the ocean had become “tiresome” for her and was kind of upset although I didn’t say anything. Except I wouldn’t go but they could if they would like to. Anyway she was voted down but what are your thoughts on this behavior.
sally
posted on July 19, 2010
1697
Dear SP,
As the mother of ten and fourteen year old daughters, I recently found myself in an awkward situation. My older daughter and I were extended stay guests (more than one week) at a lifelong family friend’s home while my daughter was training for an athletic event. The teenagers in this home were allowed many more freedoms than are permitted in our home including staying up late into the evening, going out late at night, partying with older kids and even some drinking. Clearly our values conflicted; and I didn’t want to offend our generous hosts by leaving for a hotel or openly passing judgment, but I sensed their children thought we were positively Victorian. My daughter is, by her own choice, a committed athlete attempting to achieve something that requires a disciplined lifestyle. I attempted to be a good guest in every sense by easing into their routine as much as possible but wondered if I need to justify our values when a guest in another’s home?
JO
posted on July 15, 2010
1687
Hello there, I too live in the south (fl) and find that going sockless throughout the majority of he year is just plain common sense. I have encounters a problem to this and was wondering wht SP would do; I have a pair of cole haan boat shoes among others that I adore, and being sockless has caused the innner lining where the sole of the foot rests, to get cracked and warped. How would I go about replacing them? Thank you for your invaluable advice. JD
Joey dee
posted on July 13, 2010
1682
Do you plan to have an presence in the Seattle area? – Rockwell
B. Rockwell
posted on May 31, 2010
1562
And, to add to SP’s comment, I would add that a true button down in the Brooks Polo style has a collar that bulges when the buttons are fastened — called the roll. For this reason, some say one should not wear a bow tie with this style and should tie only a simple four-in-hand knot, which is asymetrical but relatively narrow. This last point has more to do with complementary styles than anything else. The roll and the bow tie actually present a physical conflict.
jason
posted on May 25, 2010
1544
What is the significance and origin of the no socks rule and when does it apply?
David Thierry
posted on May 24, 2010
1542
We are preparing to embark on a house party at the beach and have been invited by some lovely people with whom we are in the very newest stages of a friendship. The total group includes four couples and a gaggle of children. Our hostess has invited us to stay in a beautiful resort at the seaside home of her parents. Her parents, whom we have never met, will be in residence at the time. My husband has offered to supply a full bar and cook dinner for the house party on Saturday night.
What do you think is an appropriate hostess gift for our friends? And what do you recommend for her parents, who are very gracious to open their home to complete strangers?
Pringle Franklin
posted on May 22, 2010
1540
Dear SP,
I am writing to get your opinion on a something I have been toggling with for quite awhile. I met a young lady at a social gathering. She happened to be working the social event that evening as part of her job. The event was a social mixer. We hit it off instantly, the chemistry was great! Over the course of the next month our relationship grew. We established a regular calling pattern and invited each other on dates. Everything seemed well until we planned what was going to happen after watching a basketball game together. During the game she asked if I would be interested in attending a “wine event” after the game. Although I had a more intimate venue in mind for us to go after the conclusion of the game, I acquiesced to her invite, thinking that I should give her some choice in the decision.
As we arrive to the wine bar, I realize that she has thrust us right into the middle of a business networking mixer. This was a surprise to me. It just so happened that she knew several of the patrons at the mixer from other parties she worked. I knew no one. I was a great sport and willingly participated in the activities planned by the host that evening. After the evening ended I thought this date was strange. Much to my disappointment, we ended up learning more about other people than each other? After approaching her about her questionable choice for the venue she became offensive and stated that the mixer was like any other social venue. Because this was our third date in our brief dating history , I am interested in knowing what rules of etiquette govern the choice of a dating location and am I crazy to think that in this point of our dating history a mixer is not a very good choice?
Sincerely,
Jay
Dear Jay (and other trigger-happy daters),
Congratulations on finding a possible mate. In this crazy busy world, as witnessed by Anne, it is damn hard to find compatibility. Especially after college when work consumes our lives and play time becomes less and less frequent. We careen off each other rarely letting opportunities land. With people so desperate for the chance merely to meet each other — the internet is now one very viable and even respectable way – we should leave snap judgement and easy sensitivities at home.
You want to throw this great beginning away because this woman took you to a work mixer? No no no. Step away from the ledge. If these were your only outings I would say perhaps she’s just not that into you. But as you say, you’ve been to non-work related events so she obviously enjoys your company. The next time it’s your turn to choose the date, take her to your favorite place, a new restaurant, what have you. Here you can be intimate, get to know each other better and see if this is the right place for both of you. In this increasingly crazy world where meeting quality, compatible mates is already hard as hell, we should be open to all of the possibilities and leave quick judgments behind. Let’s leave the Hollywood clichés behind and realize attraction and reaction come in many forms and we can be open to all the possibilities. Now, why do I suddenly feel like the love child of Oprah and Dr. Phil?
Cordially,
Cordially,
SP
posted on May 10, 2010
1515
SP:
Great site. I’ve been following it for some time now, and it only gets better.
I am slated to attend a black-tie reception and dinner in a couple of months, and I have a couple of questions regarding proper dress. I own a custom-tailored classic tuxedo that was made for my wedding (and it still fits perfect after 10 years, no doubt). The look I’m going for is classic–Daniel Craig in Casino Royale, if you will. With the background that I don’t particularly want to spend money on patent-leather shoes I’ll only wear once every three years (ditto pleated shirt and studs), my questions are these:
1. Instead of the pleated, studded shirt, would a classic semi-spread collar french-cuff dress shirt suffice?
2. Will expertly polished black cap-toe dress shoes suffice?
3. Is a cummerbund necessary, or would black suspenders be just as appropriate?
Thanks so much in advance.
kevin
Dear Kevin,
Thank you for your kind words regarding the site. Approbation is always appreciated. Now, let’s tackle your query. If you say you CANNOT afford the new things you need, then by all means improvise. I would never urge you to spend money you do not have. And you would “pass” with the improvisation. BUT, if it is merely that you don’t WANT to spend the money, that’s a different story.
1. A dress shirt is not an evening shirt. Invest in a new evening shirt and studs.
2. Highly-polished black shoes will suffice, but are not ideal. Check out your local tuxedo rental shop and see if they will rent you the shoes separately if you don’t want to spend the money on pumps or patent leather lace-ups.
3. And yes, a cummerbund is necessary. There are affordable alternatives to new and expensive.
4. Get thee on ebay. You can find incredible deals on formal wear.
I hope this helps. Thanks for writing.
Cordially,
Cordially,
SP
posted on May 10, 2010
1512
This entire column features a unifying item that pretty much spurs my brief questions: the elevator (introductions on, who gets in or out first, evolving friendships).
1. My wife abhors meeting people I know whom she does not. She’ll smile through and bear an introduction, then lecture me later about how much she “hates” that exercise. Her usual justification: “I’ll never see those people again …”
2. Her father’s recent death prompted condolences and visitations and offers to rekindle friendships she has since let fade away. As with your correspondent above, they are now trying to go through me to get to her. We were not “friends,” per se, but knew each other through her, and I got along fine with them all and their spouses. So far I have resisted responding, with the predicable silence in return. Maybe they’re getting the point, but she seems not to be. I’m feeling rude and caught in the middle not responding, but I know to do so will open up the whole ordeal all over.
3. I agree with letting age and beauty enter and exit first, but when it comes to elevators, buses, restaurant lobbies, I tend to always allow the exuant before entering, simply because there will then be more room inside. So how to deal with either people who refuse to “exit” first, or those who refuse to wait first?
Jim T
Dear Jim T,
Thank you for writing in, but I have to say I almost fell over at first glance thinking you were needing answers to all these. I thought, Lord man, I do have to earn a living. But upon further reading I see you were merely commenting, for the most part, and that is always appreciated. As for the last issue on elevators, buses, etc, you are right to let last on first off. As is always the case with doing what is right, let situation and convenience be your guide. If someone doesn’t move as expected, just step aside with a “Pardon me” and go on about your business. We don’t want to sit around all day trying to be proper when faced with ignorance or willful rudeness. Just carry on.
Cordially,
SP
posted on May 10, 2010
1510
We’re having a friendly disagreement here at the old salt mill as to what exactly constitutes a “button-down shirt.” Some feel that it means “a shirt with a collar that is buttoned-down,” while others contend that the term encompasses all “dress shirts,” i.e., even those with collars that are not buttoned-down.
Many thanks in advance.
Cheers.
Peter
Hey Peter,
The button down shirt was invented by Brooks Brothers after noticing the collars on Polo players flapping in the wind. It was called the Polo shirt. Incidentally, Ralph Lauren worked at Brooks and subsequently used the name Polo for his famous shirt. And only a button down collar with buttons on the collar can be called a button down. Thanks for writing.
Cordially,
SP
posted on May 10, 2010
1508