If you have questions, opinions or statements concerning Correspondence, Decorum, Entertaining, Etiquette & Manners, Grooming, Intellectual Pursuits, Pretension, Rules & Traditions, or Wardrobe & Style, please feel free to inquire below. If I cannot uncover the answer, I will at least point you in the right direction. Please be patient. It may take time, but I do answer all of the inquiries.
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55 Comments, Comment or Ping
Andrew
I have a question concerning etiquette; specifically, receiving compliments. A simple thank-you with a touch of humor usually works best for me. But, what if you sense that the compliment (as is sometimes the case) is not entirely genuine or sincere? Saying thank-you to such a remark makes me feel like I’m the victim of a prank… and I’m not sure why that is, so I was wondering if you’ve ever been in a similar situation and how you resolved it. Thank you for this sagacious blog.
Dear Andrew,
One should always say Thank You. No matter what the intention, or more likely your interpretation of such is, your reponse should always be the same regardless of the degree of sincerity of the giver. A measured, simple Thank you is sufficient. If the other party is insincere it is their own road to hell, uh incivility, not yours.
Cordially,
SP
Jan 10th, 2009
Easy and Elegant Life
Hello SP,
I’m intrigued by your correspondence cards and have a question. Do you know the weight of the paper? (In points would be great.) And are they available printed, instead of thermographed?
Dear E.& E.L.,
The SocialPaper Correspondence Cards are made of 18 point stock. At this time, only thermal embossing is available. I sought to find the best cards at the best price to reflect these uncertain times. These are best suited for everyday correspondence and informal thank you notes. When the times are right, I will include different options, such as traditional engraving and even thicker cards. I use these cards myself and am always proud to send them out.
Thank you for your interest,
SP
Jan 13th, 2009
E.B.
Please comment on buffet etiquette. I refer to a fine table laden with food on silver platters and crystal bowls. I am witnessing more and more people leaving their used plates and glassware on the buffet table. I am witnessing people using their forks to spear food and eat it tableside rather than to use the serving utensil! I am also witnessing guests arriving drink in hand… the awful red plastic cup! As if attending a fraternity function! I don’t take it personally but it seems a bit of an insult to someone who took weeks to plan and execute an elegant party!
Thank you, E.
Dear E.,
Thank you for this. I felt compelled to expound. Please see the post Baboon at the Buffet.
Cordially,
SP
Jan 31st, 2009
G. Spogli
I am moving from Europe back to American after several years. My engraved correspondence envelopes and some of the information on the cards will be outdated. For example, the address and phone number on Save the Date and invitation cards. I love the simple elegance of the style and the font. Could I simply strike through the old data and write in the correct number…or do the same on the envelopes? Too tacky? It’s not an economic issue…just a convenience one. Thank you for your most amusing and informative blog. Sincerely, G
Dear G,
First, welcome back from your Grand Tour. What an invaluable exererience and luxury to live abroad. Now as for your query, stiking through the old information on a Save the Date or Invitation is simply not done. This is the dilemma with expensive printed invitations. They are made to order for one occassion and that’s it. As for the envelopes, this is a different story. It is quite acceptable to stike through an old address and writie in the new one. Until you receive your new cards, that is. So get cracking and order some new stationery. Cordially, SP
Feb 9th, 2009
Amanda C
Dear SP,
Although the Holiday season is over, please advise on the proper way to sign a family Christmas card. I read the the man’s name comes first. For example: Love, John, Jen and Little Jimmy Smith.
Thank you.
Dear Amanda,
In the old days, yes, your version would be correct. But this seems unchivalrous to me. As much as I rail about never seperating a man from his last name, there is a different standard here. As for correctness, either way is fine but since there are no last names listed which implies these cards are informal and going to personal friends, you could list the wife’s name first, then the husband, then the children.
Feb 11th, 2009
Paul
hey sp,
this seems minute but what is the proper etiquette for a man using a unisex restroom? it would seem like the general rule of thumb is to raise said toilet seat if standing, then lower seat after use. but, in my opinion, most other men will not be so kind to the ladies. my thinking follows that if i leave the toilet seat up, other men won’t ruin the facility, and women will know that we were at least considerate enough not to urinate on their ‘area.’
also, any chance of being able to subscribe by rss or other such ways?
thanks!!
Dear Paul,
Your question reminds me why I do what I do. There is a certain joy in discovering that chivalry is not dead and there are still gentlemen walking among us who are concerned, considerate and kind. Bully for you for thinking of the ladies. The answer here is simple. Always close the apparatus, put both seats down after every use. Think about it. Whether one is in public or a private home, who wants to walk into a restroom and be greeted by a gaping porcelain hole? As for the careless leavings of previous users, it is up to the next visitor to consider his or her own level of cleanliness when using public facilities and take appropriate measures.
Regarding rss feeds, SP is working on this. As you may have discovered, I am not the most advanced emailer-machine technician.
Thank you for your query and thank you for reading.
Cordially,
SP
Feb 16th, 2009
Sof
Dear SP,
Can you lay some etiquette on me? If a senior male colleague appears and his zipper is down– do you tell him (potentially embarrassing him), or is it better to turn a blind eye and let him feel embarrassment after lecturing in front of a group of students?
Thanks and LOVE you
Sof
Feb 17th, 2009
Suzy
Dear SP,
I am hosting a small dinner party in honour of my husband’s 50th birthday. I am hand writing invitations on engraved stationery, only inviting 3 other couples to join us. I would like dinner dress (jacket, tie preferred, and please no jeans) but am not sure how to state this without seeming stuffy. What do you think about writing in the bottom right corner “dinner attire” or do you have a better phrase? Please advise.
Thank you.
Dear Suzy,
What a wonderful plan you have in store for your husband. I love the idea of a beautiful dinner at home instead of going out to a restaurant. He is a lucky man. Your desire to make the evening an elegant one is music to my ears. You have the absolute right idea in writing “dinner attire” in the bottom right corner of your invitation. It is not in the least condescending and is perfectly proper. Your guests will be thrilled and honored to receive such an invitation. Best of luck with your dinner and happy birthday to husband. Thank you for writing.
Cordially,
SP
Mar 31st, 2009
Andy
Dear SP,
My wife and I are expecting our first child and will thus no doubt have need of numerous thank-you notes in the near future. I would like to use some elegant correspondence cards for this purpose, but I am not sure what to put for the name at the top. Is it permissible to put a family name, such as “The Smiths?”
Thanks for this informative and fascinating blog,
Andy
Dear Andy,
Congratulations on your first born. What an exciting time. I trust you are catching up on your sleep now as that will be the first luxury to go once bambino comes into the world. As for the family name on the correspondance cards, I prefer Smith or an elegant S.
Thank you for visiting and best wishes to you and your wife.
Cordially,
SP
Apr 1st, 2009
ilga magdalena
Dear SP,
My husband and I enjoy your blog very much, your humor and your point of view, esp. regarding entertaining, which we both do and enjoy a lot. Now here is my question….. the subject itself is kind of embarrassing/repulsive, but I really would like to know how to act whenever I get into that situation. I’m a transplant from the old world and I very much enjoy living here, so I’m not from the too snobbish kind, I hope. But I’ve always noticed that American table manners are very relaxed, sometimes embarrassingly so. I find whenever people feel “comfortable” with you they have no shame cleaning their teeth right in front of you, while you’re having a conversation with them. I’ve encountered that a lot, find it very repulsive and never know what to do. Should I just look away, stop the conversation, walk away, or say something? All of these actions would be kind of confrontational, so I usually just wait till it’s over, but I’m still very repulsed by it. Maybe SP has a suggestion.
Ever so grateful, keep doing the good work,
Ilga M.
Dear Ilga,
It is great to hear from you and I thank you and your husband for your kind words of appreciation. I also like that you enjoy entertaining; you have certainly found a kindred spirit here. Now to your issue. I will allow that some Americans do exhibit relaxed manners while at table, but I do hope you won’t paint us all with that broad brush. As for your teeth-cleaning friends, I am almost speechless, but not for long. You have presented a particularly prickly situation and one we may find wide disagreement among those who supposedly know.
I too have a very good friend who exhibited such abhorrent behavior after a meal. He would take out a toothpick and root around in there like he was digging for truffles. To tell you that I was disgusted is an understatement. Normally this would send me right off a person, but the trouble is I really enjoyed his compamy, away from the table that is. I suffered through this offense for quite a while, not able to bring myself to confront him. I usually would excuse myself when this excavation began and would return when I was sure it was finished. Well, as the friendship grew I could stand it no more and casually brought it up one time after dinner. He asked me to fetch him a toothpick from the counter on my way back to the table. I simply said no. And told him it was not acceptable behavior in the company of others. I felt terrible. I tried to dance around it with humor. He responded that the Duke of Windsor used to do the same thing and I said, first that I doubted that, but if true, the beloved Duke was neither correct nor considerate toward his table mates if he indulged in this odious behavior. And the conversation ended.
So, yes, if the people you plan on spending a lot of time with offend you it is right to diplomatically let them know. But only after a very many transgressions have occurred and you are sure these are people you want to spend time with. The thing you will have to brace yourself for is that they may tell you to go to hell and never speak to you again. Hence, you must measure your level of digust at their behavior against your level of enjoyment of their company. The gentleman in question is still a great friend of mine, but he has not once jammed a toothpick in his mouth since then. At least not in my presence.
Cordially,
SP
Apr 9th, 2009
Malcolm
Suggestion on where to get good shirts (straight collar or modified) and suits (like the one you are wearing in the WSJ today with the bow tie)
Thank you
Dear Malcolm,
My one rule for shirts is this, when you find a style that fits and the fabric is good, stock up, especially on white shirts. Great shirts abound. There are the top of the line bespoke and made to measure, but that isn’t very Social Primer. We here at SP love a deal and we seek quality at the best price. To that end, Brooks Brothers is great for work. H&M has terrific shirts for work or casual at incredible prices and great quality as does Uniglo. Polo/Ralph Lauren has great finds during the sales online. And SP isn’t afraid to stock up on a great find at Target. As long as the cut and the fabric are traditional and well done, no one cares where you buy it. The jacket I am wearing in the WSJ is not a suit. It is a navy raw silk blazer from a french company called Haute. I found it at Century 21 my last trip to NY for a steal.
Good luck and thanks for visiting,
SP
Apr 9th, 2009
Joel
SP: How do you cheek-kiss a woman to greet her?
Dear Joel,
Thank you for your question. I felt this deserved more attention than I could give here. Please see The Air Kiss.
Cordially,
SP
Apr 9th, 2009
John H.
Dear SP,
Your advice on purchasing shirts is direly needed. I’m not a giant, but I’m enough on the tall side that standard shirt sleeves are always too short for me. Where can I find stylish shirts that are longer in length but not cut for much heavier men? I have gone the custom shirt route, but am looking for options below $100.
Appreciatively,
John H.
Dear John H.,
I am afraid I am not much help in this department, but will post here for readers who may be able to help you better than I. Good luck, SP
Apr 10th, 2009
Greg
Dear SP,
Your eloquent and timely maxims of chivalry and good manners are very refreshing in what seems to be a social environment careening towards a “devil may care” atmosphere.
In regards to your post concerning the appropriate and well-mannered interactions between a lady and a gentleman, I became curious as to your thoughts on a point of order.
When a gentleman and a lady are dining together at a fine dining establishment, and are being guided to their table, my first inclination is to be in the position to allow the lady to choose what side of the table she would like to sit on and pull her chair out for her. This inclination, however, is occasionally paused by the gracious maitre d’ who, in the perceived proper manner of his duty, pulls the chair out for the lady instead, and assists her in seating.
Now, I’m not so impulsive as to try to wrest the chair from him and seat my companion, but do you think the lady would besmirch me for not making at least an attempt to assist her? Should an attempt be made, lest it start an awkward reaching match with the maitre d’?
Lastly, do you have any thoughts on whether or not the maitre d’ is performing his duties correctly? Perhaps should he wait to see if the gentleman accompanying the lady makes the first move, and if not, recover and assist the lady then?
I’m sure it could be said that it’s just a matter of personal interpretation of manners on the part of the maitre’d, but I would like some guidance on what you feel would be the proper course of action when two individuals meet at the intersection of proper manners. Ideally, who should yield?
With regards,
Greg
Dear Greg,
You are correct and right to want to attend to the seating of your date; this is your responsibility but one you can relinquish if another man takes the lead. If the maitre d’ seems a bit over zealous in usurping your position you are right to step aside and let him handle it. The last thing you want is to cause an awkward scene and even more so to call attention to yourself and your date. Your lady will never notice that you weren’t the one to pull the chair for her, she will only appreciate that it is being done. Thank you for writing and enjoy your dinner, maitre d’ be damned.
Cordially,
SP
Apr 10th, 2009
Andrea
Dear SP,
Thank you for your valuable advice for gentlemen; I am insisting my brothers read your column. Do you have any recommendations for a similar column for ladies?
Regards,
Andrea
Dear Andrea,
Thanks for visiting and greetings to your brothers. As for a column for women, I would first say that SP follows the age old dictum to all writers and that is, write what you know. I think this is good advice to follow for the time being. That said, I do think etiquette and manners are universal as well as unisex and hope that many of the thoughts here transfer to the fairer sex.
Cordially,
SP
Apr 10th, 2009
malcolm
Andrew:
Suggestion on where to get good shirts( straight collar or modified) and suits ( like the one you are wearing in the WSJ today with the bow tie)
Thank you
Apr 10th, 2009
Suzanne
What is the correct attire for a Kentucky Derby party held in the country home of a fashionista?
Suzanne
Dear Suzanne,
I am assuming by the gender specificity of your name that you are a woman asking SP for advice on how to dress. I am afraid I have no designs on becoming Pygmalion and would have to defer to another to offer advice on what a woman should wear. That said, I am sure you will be the most elegant woman sipping juleps come Derby day.
Cordially,
SP
Apr 12th, 2009
James
Dear SP,
Wedding Season in Texas is soon approaching and I have back-to-back weddings during Memorial Day Weekend, both of which are outside. Unfortunately, neither of the weddings are Black Tie or I wouldn’t be in this predicament.
I am a fan of seersucker and have a great seersucker suit that my grandfather used to wear. Looking beyond the Easter/Memorial Day Debate on which holiday signals the return of seersucker for the summer months, I have a question about the propriety of me wearing a seersucker suit to any of these weddings. As seersucker is not as big in Texas as it is in the “more Southern” states, would wearing a seersucker suit be viewed as flashy or trying to get attention? Or is it others’ fault if they are unaware that seersucker is an acceptable (and most likely at these outdoor weddings, necessary) fabric to wear in the summer? Thanks for your work on this site–very enjoyable to read! Keep up the great work.
Best Regards,
James
Dear James,
You are singing my song, I have to tell you. SP loves, lives and dies for seersucker. Of course, SP is a son of the Deep South and this is not only fashionable but necessary to keep from expiring in the summer heat and humidity. You already know what SP is going to say. Fear not what others think of you, opinions be damned, especially when you are right, hell, even more so. Don’t let the ignorance and peer snickering of the less than confident men ever influence your decisions. Wear the seersucker with a white shirt, pale green or, if you’re brave, pale pink tie. Finish it off with a pair of nubuck Oxfords or if you’re really on a dandy roll, saddle oxfords. Or check out my post on Summer Wedding: WASP Style.
Cordially,
SP
Apr 13th, 2009
Square With Flare
I’ve noticed that many magazines are showing tablesettings with the considerably larger French silver flatware (Puiforcat or Christofle), and often it is reversed so that the tines of the fork and bowl of spoon are facing down, as on the continent. This strikes me as pretentious and out of place in North America, unless you are a French noble or diplomat etc., and seen to be carrying your country’s tradition. What do you think?
Square With Flare
Dear Square,
SP toes a tough line on pretension, but I have to admit, I don’t think of this as a really big deal, annoying perhaps, but not a big deal. We have such bigger fish to fry here on the Primer that I am going to let this one slide. But remember that manners at table vary from Europe to the U.S. and since we are the melting pot for tired, poor, huddled masses yearning to breathe free, as well as the homeless and tempest-tossed, let’s lift the lamp beside the golden door and let the tines face down.
Cordially,
SP
Apr 14th, 2009
William Langston
Dear SP,
On the head of a signet ring, do you prefer a monogram or a family coat of arms? Is there a more appropriate choice between the two? I am a new subscriber to SP and am enjoying the content very much. I too have been exclusively a bow tie wearer for the past twenty years. I await your response.
Dear Mr. Langston,
Your query is a matter of personal choice. If you have a family crest, or cypher, by all means put this on your signet ring. Crests can be difficult to read sometimes which is why, given a choice many prefer a monogram or single intitial. On the other hand, one should never wear a crest unless it is of one’s family or club. This includes those from Ralph Lauren/Polo. A man should never wear a crest with which he has no affiliation, which excludes the purchase of such. Thank you for writing.
Cordially,
SP
Apr 18th, 2009
Katie
Dear SP,
First of all, thank you for presenting this lovely website. It’s entertaining and informative, and since there’s nothing I like better than being taught while being able to smile a little to myself, it’s perfect!
Second, this question came up during a nice dinner when my companion made a comment that he had heard one was supposed to eat with the fork tines pointed downward (i.e. stabbing the food). Is there any veracity to this? We tried it the next time we ate, and it was difficult to get used to and awkward – certain foods really don’t lend themselves to being stabbed! I know it’s probably a little frivolous, but your opinion would be most appreciated! Thank you.
Sincerely,
Katie
Dear Katie,
First of all nothing is too trivial when you don’t know the answer. SP is a big believer in the notion that there are no stupid questions. I ask them all the time. I don’t know if that comforts you or not, but it does the job for me. And we are here to get it right, aren’t we? So let’s go.
One should never stab at food on a plate as if he were a bushman spearing fish in the shallows. We are not in the shallows, we are at table. Gently slide the fork under the food and then into the mouth. I must admit though, I am seeing this stabbing thing more often. It begins with the Continental style of fork in the left hand, knife in the right and the knife is used (correctly) to guide the food onto the fork. Some overzealous diners are taking this trick and full blown stabbing the food on the plate. There is a stark distinction, even though it might not seem so. Avoid the stab at all cost, Continental or not. Thank you for writing.
Cordially,
SP
Apr 22nd, 2009
Kenneth
I recently wrote an e-mail which happened to be in upper case to the senior executive of the financial services firm I work at. I had nothing in mind more than just a variation in style for the day of which I did not give second thought. He responded to the e mail and concluded bye indicating that it is rude to write an e mail in upper case letters. What is the proper etiquette in this regard ?
Kindly,
Kenneth
Dear Kenneth,
I am sorry to hear that a senior executive would refer to a colleague as rude. That is in itself an ill-mannered statement. Although the delivery was less than civil, I am afraid Mr. Executive is correct. Using all upper case when writing is akin to shouting at someone throughout an entire conversation. With the new technology of email and texts comes an old responsibility. We must continue to use proper grammar, spelling and style, especially in business correspondence. No cutesy emoticans, no abbreviations other than those of the standard variety and no paragraphs consisting of all upper or lower case letters. Keep it neat and keep it formal as your writing is the representation of your voice, indeed your character on the page, or screen as the case may be. Thanks for writing.
Cordially,
SP
Apr 23rd, 2009
Kenneth
Dear SP,
Springtime is here so I decided to wear a khaki suit to the office today. I love the look and feel of the suit with its more modern trimmer cut. It just so happens that tonight I will be at a cocktail party sponsored by an art gallery here in Mexico City where I live. Can a khaki suit also work well in the evening or should I go with a more darker palette in this metropolis ?
Yours,
Kenneth
Dear Kenneth,
As a general rule, clothes and shoes should go darker when the sun goes down. That said, I attended an event in Santa Monica last night where three friends all showed up in khaki suits. Now granted they all came directly to the party from work which started at 6 pm. They looked completely correct, especially since we were in Santa Monica, a beach town. I think the rules are bendable in southern and resort/beach towns. Hot climates are the reason the seasonal rules were made: No white before Easter or after Labor Day, Velvet should be worn only between Thanksgiving and Valentine’s Day. These rules give people in those climates a guide when the weather does not.
I have a friend in New York who dons seersucker every time he comes to Los Angeles, even in February. He is English and he is trying to prove a point that LA is a resort town and one must correctly wear resort style when in a resort town. That said, I hear Mexico City is quite cosmopolitan, but in the end, it is a resort clime, so I think you are fine.
Thanks for writing and come back again soon.
Cordially,
SP
Apr 24th, 2009
Dave
Dear SP,
I am a young man of 25 with an ever increasing interest in social etiquette. Can you recommend a good book on etiquette (other than this fine website) that would be an interesting read? I am pursuing my doctorate in English so I have read and researched a fair amount of etiqeutte and courtesy literature from the 17th and 18th centuries but nothing more current than that.
Cordially,
Dave
Dear Dave,
Bravo to you on two fronts, the obvious and then the English studies. SP was an English major and counts this time as the most satisfying of my life. To be able to read great books and then talk about them is rare and incredible.
I too have a great interests in the old masters. My favorites are George Washington’s Rules of Civility & Decent Behavior in Company and Conversation, Hill’s Manual of Social and Business Forms (1880), Emily Post, Amy Vanderbilt and the lesser known Millicent Fenwick. I also find inspiration and information in literature, especially Henry James’ Portrait of a Lady and Edith Wharton’s House of Mirth.
I am always on the search for more sources and will let you know if I unearth any of importance. Thank you for writing and keep my up to date on your discoveries as well.
Cordially,
SP
Apr 29th, 2009
Joanna
Dear SP,
I am new to your site and am finding it most helpful and enjoyable.
My question is this: Are there any rules of etiquette regarding hugging in social situations?
Dear Joanna,
Hugging is an intimate act best reserved for family and good, old friends. This phenomenon of hugging every time people meet is annoying to me. Just shake hands for Pete’s sake. SP is solidly against this epidemic of rampant hugging. Cease and desist. It is not becoming.
Cordially,
SP
Jun 3rd, 2009
kasey
Please resolve a 15 year debate. Is smoshing appropriate at the dinner table? Smoshing is defined as using your knife to slide food onto your fork. I say no. There is nothing wrong with not wasting food when you cannot get it all with just a fork, but I’m told I’m just a pig for doing so.
-kasey
Dear kasey,
I first must thank you for bringing a new definition to my attention. I have never heard this act called smoshing before. I have seen it, yes, but never heard it. Now to your query. The difference in sliding food onto the fork with the knife and the acceptance of such is merely a matter of geography. This is a widely accepted act “on the continent” and widely practiced there. The distinction between American and Continental (European) table manners is slight, but significant. For instance when Americans finish a meal the fork is placed tines up. In Europe, they are faced down. The European method of eating with the fork in left hand and knife in the right, only make this act pushing food onto the fork with the knife more natural (and frankly, easier). It is perfectly acceptable if done, like everything else, discreetly and efficiently.
Cordially,
SP
Jun 9th, 2009
Todd
Hello SP,
I have recently discovered your site and have enjoyed every bit of it! It is nice to see that there are people still interested in civility and proper behavior.
My question relates to weddings. I recently was married to a wonderful woman and in the days after the wedding as we opened the gifts we seemed to have entered some weird island of social confusion. I speak of course of the wedding registry, and the gift in general. When we first began planning I was opposed (silly me) to the mere concept. I considered the idea of a list of acceptable gifts to be rather forward and quite rude. However, after some discussion we settled on providing the information via word of mouth solely to those who asked (at my insistence). Post wedding, we received several comments that surprised me: “why didn’t you include registry notices in the invitation”, “I tried to guess where you were registered”, and “I just got you a gift card”. We also received some gifts that were either clearly re-gifted, showed a complete lack of tact, or were wonderful personal creations that we will treasure (but are quite outside our personal tastes and style).
What is the current (modern) etiquette for wedding gifts and wedding registries? The brides family surely no longer must display the wedding gifts in their home in the weeks leading up to the wedding, but should we really accept a store’s offer of cheap advertisements to include in invitations?
(unsigned)
Todd
Dear Todd,
Congratulations to you and your new bride. You know I am going to say something corny, like Why look a gift horse in the mouth? but I will refrain. Your query has me a bit stumped to tell you the truth. I have never recevied an invitation to a wedding that included a gift registry guide. At least not one that I can remember. Am I totally wrong here? The idea seems ridiculous to me. But I grew up in small town in the Deep South and everyone knew if Janie Jones was getting hitched, then she would surely be registerd at Mister Goodson’s jewelry store. Nowadays it seems word of mouth, or rather email, is the best way of informing the wedding guests where one is registered. And also the wedding websites that seem to be so common as well. I applaud your discretion but let’s not fall into a puddle of prudery.
People have a difficult enough time buying wedding gifts for others, hell gifts are tough to buy for anyone. A wedding registry makes the process easier for all involved. The guests have a guide offering varying price points. The couple receives what they need for their new life together. And yes, the mechant involved gets to ring up a few sales. I am afraid there’s no way around it. Enjoy the gifts and I wish you many many years of marital bliss.
Cordially,
SP
Jun 9th, 2009
Dean
Hello SP,
I was out to the movies last Wednesday night and while we were waiting to get tickets a couple ahead of us started to fight and this turned into full blown screaming with the female in tears and sobbing. Her companion continued to scream for a few minutes more and a couple of people tried to get them to stop but this just seemed to make the situation worse. My question is what should be done if anything in this situation.
Regards,
Dean
Dear Dean,
Good Lord, that sounds awful. My first reaction is to remove yourself from the situation, but as you were waiting in line for movie tickets this doesn’t sound like something you wanted to do. Bad energy is infectious and the couple were definitely spreading it around. It is not wise to enter domestic disputes unless there is a clear issue of violence present. I still think it’s best to remove yourself from the scene. These are the trials of entering the public square. People can be incredibly ill-mammered. All we can do is brighten the corner where we are and hope others do the same. It’s a terrible situation, I realize. Just don’t sit there and soak it up.
Cordially,
SP
Jun 10th, 2009
Kathy
Dear SP,
I just discovered your site and have spent the last hour reading. I’ve already sent the link to my boyfriend and all male friends!
Your Q and A page is very well-written and informative. I would like to ask you about something that happened last year, which still makes my stomach turn.
I am a 25 years old, and attended a destination wedding weekend last year. My family and the bride’s family are longtime friends. The bride and groom were in the midst of a move across the country at the time of their wedding. I did not bring a gift with me to the wedding (I know I should have sent something beforehand). But, for the first time in my life, I thought that I had a little bit of time to send a gift. Exactly two months after the wedding, I received a note in the mail along the lines of:
“Thank you for coming to our wedding weekend. Please let us know what you gave us, so we can write you a thank you note. We think your card was separated from your gift.”
I was absolutely horrified. I immediately sent a beautiful platter and a card explaining that I wanted them to be settled into their new home before I sent their wedding gift, and knew that the plate would come in handy during all of their entertaining.
Which was worse–my tardy gift or their horrible note?
Yours,
K
Dear K,
Your letter has me thinking with two minds, which is usually the case around here. Is SP schitzophrenic or — as I prefer — conscious of both sides of a situation? In every situation one must always look at the relationship of the parties. You say your family and the bride’s family are old friends which I assume extends to you and the bride being similarly aligned. This said, there is an organic comfort level in this relationship which left her to speak freely to an old friend. Also assume that the notes were written in a flurry over several evenings scattered around the kitchen table and perhaps she slipped into autopilot with no ill will intended. That said, the contents of the note were absolutely inappropriate. She should never assume that you sent a gift, but instead thank you for attending her wedding which I assume was a considerble cost for you to get there. You were generous and thoughtful in responding with the not so subtle request for a gift, but not bound to send one by any means. A gift is just that, not an obligation. Your attendance at a destination wedding was gift enough. But bully for you for covering your bases. Thank you for writing and come back again soon.
Cordially,
SP
Jun 12th, 2009
Hamish
Dear SP
As is the fashion among young men today I have taken to wearing a hat. However, I soon discovered that hats come with their own special and complex set of rules. I turned immediately to the internet for assistance, and found two conflicting principals. The first advocated that I should remove my hat whenever I have a roof over my head, whilst the second required removal of a hat only in an intimate or private setting. Whilst I feel that I have mastered the intricacies of tipping the hat (whenever one should acknowledge another) I am flummoxed by the two conflicting principles for the doffing of a hat. On top of this I am yet to find the rule for spending extended amounts of time in the company of a female acquaintance, particularly whilst walking together. I have turned to you as a modern guru of etiquette in the hope that you can assist with my hat wearing woes.
Sincerely
Hamish
PS: I feel obliged to inform you that I wear hats in the old style, good felt in traditional shapes free from pinstripes or other such monstrosities. This footnote may be completely unescessary but I feel much better having separated myself from the ‘ultra fashionable’ culture.
Dear Hamish,
First of all, great name. Now on to your query. Bravo to you for staking out some old school style and having the bravura to pull it off. Applause all around. Herewith the rules — according to the stylish godmother of manners and style, Millicent Fenwick — for a man wearing a hat:
Outdoors a man takes off his hat:
when being introduced, or saying goodbye;
as a salutation when passing in the street;
while talking to an older man or anyone else he intends to show respect;
when he is with someone who recognizes a woman passing by.
Indoors a man takes off his hat:
in Orthodox Jewish synagogues;
in public buildings such as train stations and post offices;
in the entrance halls and corridors of office buildings or hotels;
in stores;
in an elevator when he is accompanying a woman.
I hope this helps. Thanks for writing.
Cordially,
SP
Jun 20th, 2009
M
Dear SP,
I attended a wedding last weekend. Everything went well, speeches were held,etc.. My question is : There were numerous long tables for the dinner and people were seated quite close to each other. The woman on my left side placed her handbag on the table when we began eating and had it there throughout the whole evening. So, my question is : Where would you suggest we ladies keep our clutches and bags during the meal and afterwards? What do you think of the bag-hook? Naturally, if everyone places their bags on the table, or has it hanging on a hook, would appear quite strange, funny. Should the bag be taken along when leaving the table to get the dessert, or do we leave it on our seat ( some of us d o have quite expensive bags, they are our treasures actually ) ? Thank you for your answer.
Yours, M
Dear M,
Oh for old days when life was ordered and we weren’t left to our confusing devices. I also want to take this opportunity to say that SP doesn’t particularly traffic in the business of telling women how to act. But since you’ve asked, I would say that a ladies handbag, along with her coat belong in the coat room, but in the absence of such I would think these things should sit on the floor under her chair. I can’t imagine the spectacle of a formal table cluttered with a bunch of handbags like it was a sale at Barneys. That’s just crazy to me.
Cordially,
SP
Jun 22nd, 2009
b
Brooks Brothers has just recently opened a store in my town. Obviously the sales people are very attentive and professional and are looking to cultivate their “own” customers. Here’s my question: I have one sales person who seems to have claimed me as his own. He’s a perfectly nice gentleman, but I do happen to like working with one of the other sales men who has helped me in the past. How do I comfortably make the switch from one sale person to the other? I would like to avoid hurt feelings or misunderstandings about service. Any suggestions would be appreciated and thank you for your time.
(unsigned) B
Dear B.,
This is a sticky situation and one that I have encountered. There are a couple of ways to go about this. The first, and easiest, would be to keep coming back to the store until you catch the sales person you wish to work with. This works only if you visit the store on a regular basis, which I realize is not necessarily the way men shop. We tend to go to a shop when we need something, make the quick purchase and take our leave. If you really prefer to work with one sales person over another then you’re just going to have to bite the bullet of honesty and tell the truth, something along the lines of “I appreciate your help in the past but I had already established a working relationship with Salesman Prior.” Then before you return to the store, call ahead and make sure Salesman Prior is indeed on duty the day you return. It is so simple yet so hard to do as we are conditioned not to hurt someone’s feelings, but in the end business is not personal and the your man shouldn’t take it as such. And hey, in the end it’s your money.
Cordially,
SP
Jun 23rd, 2009
Julia
Dear SP,
When out with my boyfriend, he frequently (though not always) forgets to introduce me to acquaintances. This results in all kinds of awkwardnesses. It would be rude to him to introduce myself without giving him a chance to do so, but when he forgets, introducing myself interrupts the conversation’s flow. Saying “I don’t believe we’ve been introduced” at a conversation’s end seems like a public rebuke to my boyfriend. Is there any way to politely initiate introductions?
Cordially,
Julia
Dear Julia,
Your boyfriend may be the love of your life, but he is disrespecting you when he fails to introduce you. I am sorry to be so blunt, but he needs a kick in the pants. Now, it is never my intention to create relationship strife, so instead of confronting him just take the lead and introduce yourself at the outset. Hopefully he will get the message, and if he doesn’t, you’ve accomplished your goal. He may just be missing the wire that tells us what is right in social situations. You will not be wrong in introducing yourself, in fact, you will be seen as confindent and assertive. Good qualities always.
Cordially,
SP
Jul 1st, 2009
M
Dear SP:
My Fiancee and I are having a “small” wedding and have decided to not invite groups of acquaintances from work, We decided this before announcing our engagement to everyone and I was able to communicate to my coworkers that important bit of information discreetly and early on.
I feel torn now that planning has revved up and my attention has been somewhat divided because many coworkers are bringing it up. I’d prefer not to discuss the event with those not invited out of proper etiquitte but it also seems stiff to give few details when asked. Should I simply answer when asked and not be too tight lipped? Also if I get carried away once the discussion begins is it inpolite?
Warm regards,
M
Dear M,
Best wishes to you on your impending nuptials. What a glorious time for you and one in which you should not be burdened by worry over your co-workers. I do not understand this modern compunction that struggle with seeing co-workers are friends. Yes, you may like them –and one hopes that you do — but these are not people you would necessarily socialize with nor should you feel that you have to. In fact, it is wise to draw a clear distinction between your business and social relationships. You should feel free to discuss your wedding, but remember, this too is a personal thing and personal talk should be limited in the work arena. Be honest if asked. This will be a very small affair with family and close friends. Blame the economy, if you have to. Simple, honest, direct. Always best.
Cordially,
SP
Jul 2nd, 2009
J. R.
Dear SP:
With summer in full swing, I have a few questions regarding sunglasses. I am a male and I own a current and functional pair of sunglasses. I frequently wear them while driving in both the summer and winter. In the winter, I leave my sunglasses in the car when I exit my vehicle. The warm summer weather creates a problem. Sometimes we park several blocks from our destination just for the enjoyment of walking. I would like to wear my sunglasses during these walks, but what do I do with my sunglasses when I arrive at the restaurant? I have a nice case for them, but it is too bulky to fit in my pocket. I do not wish to damage them by placing them in my pants pocket, and for casual summer outings I don’t always wear a shirt with a pocket. My question also applies to summer gatherings with indoor and outdoor activities. One final note, the sunglasses I describe are not hip fashion sunglasses intended to be worn as part of my outfit. I enjoy your column and look forward to your advice.
Thanks,
J.R.
Dear J. R.
Oh the trials of men. Short of carrying a man purse, what is one to do with all the doo dads needed in the course of our daily lives? My solution is simple. For most casual occasions, I wear a sports jacket every time I leave the house and put my glasses right in the front breast pocket. I realize for our friends down South this is probably not practical as wearing a jacket in the balmy heat can be trying, to say the least. But there are many light weight fabrics for the sweltering months. Embrace linen and seersucker. Short of that, I don’t mind seeing sunglasses hanging from the placket of a polo or in a very casual setting — like boating or other outside events — those neck straps as long as they don’t have anything written on them or come in some crazy color. Of course, SP is as blind as a bat and my sunglasses are prescription, so I often find myself wearing them long after dusk indoors and out. Pretentious? perhaps. Practical and necessary? Always.
Cordially,
SP
Jul 6th, 2009
Thomas W Flynn
Dear SP (Southern Patrician?),
Where and I find men’s high-waisted, men’s trousers?
TWF
Jul 6th, 2009
Matt
SP-
I would like you to shed some light on the topic of wedding gifts, primarily in the context of people in their mid-20’s that have at least 5 weddings coming up in a 2 month period, 3 of which requiring heavy travel. What is realistically expected of us since just attending is already a rather large financial burden? Furthermore, I am in a wedding where I will have to travel from NY to CA and stay 3 nights in a hotel because of rehearsal dinners and cocktail receptions!!! Am I still expected to provide a gift on top of covering both my girlfriend and my plates, 2 plane tickets, a car rental, tux rental, and 3 nights in a hotel?
Any commentary would be much appreciated.
Sincerely,
Matt
Dear Matt,
I hear your pain. I love weddings just about more than anything. When done well, they are one of the last remaining traditions where the participants adhere to an acceptable dress code and all in attendance are concentrating on having a good time. But, yes the destination weddings can get expensive. Now I may take flack from the traditionalists but I am going to take a swing anyway. My thinking is that if you’ve travelled from afar and footed the whole shebang on your own dime, your presence is your present. Now that isn’t to say you shouldn’t send a small token to the happy couple, or even a very nice note will suffice, but it is ridiculous to feel guilty about not buying an expensive gift. In fact, it is anathema to all we do here on SP to go into debt to keep up appearances. Only do what you can afford, and if all you can afford is your attendance, then the couple should be pleased with that.
Cordially,
SP
Jul 7th, 2009
John Otto
How about shaving? Don’t you think using a brush and soap is a much nicer approach to the task? I sure do Social Primer . . .
(unsigned) John
Dear John,
I think it’s a nice old-school approach, but honestly, I’ve never experienced it. I have also never experienced the joy of a straight razor shave at a barber shop. Putting this on the top of the list.
Cordially,
SP
Jul 8th, 2009
Edi
Dear SP,
If one has a houseguest who has invited herself out to your summer rental for the weekend, and then sits around expecting to be catered to and served, is it rude to ask her to pitch in to help with cooking or clean-up?
Dear Edi,
If a house guest is so clueless as to sit around expecting to be catered to then a host must take the initiative and give her a task. Give her a job; it will make you both feel better. Send her to the market, out to the garden to pick a bouquet, to the bar to mix up a batch of martinis, anything that makes your load a little easier. This is the guest’s duty and one she should leap to. And if she is offended, then so be it. An easily-offended house guest who invites herself is not really the company you want to keep anyway, is it?
Cordially,
SP
Jul 18th, 2009
K. A. Johnston
Greetings SP!
I just caught on to your site after reading NYT’s The Moment interview. I applaud your blog and am happy that someone is finally helping people in the way of good manners and proper etiquette, a lost art.
I wanted to send this article your way, I thought it might strike your interest, if you haven’t received it already.
http://www.wired.com/culture/lifestyle/magazine/17-08/by_index?CNN=yes#
Rules by Bratt Pitt on etiquette and behavior.
Also, I have included my blog in the website category provided above.
I post commentary on social situations, fashion, conduct, etc. from party photographer, the Cobrasnake’s photos.
Thank you SP!
Have a wonderful day.
Kelsey
Jul 20th, 2009
boyd
Hello,
I was invited to a wedding shower for a friend’s son and finance. Four couples sponsored the party and one of the couples held the party at their home. Do I write thank you notes to all couples? Should I include a note to my son’s parents?
Thanks
B Smith
Dear B Smith,
The only person you are expected to write a note to is the hostess. As in “Dear Mrs. Smith….what a lovely time, etc and please give your husband my best regards…”
Any other notes would be accepted with appreciation, but you are not formally expected to.
Cordially,
SP
Jul 20th, 2009
Kasey Akak
Please settle a 20 year argument. For those that don’t know, smoshing is the use of your knife to slide remaining food onto your fork.
I believe smoshing is okay while eating, my wife believes it is unacceptable in front of others and makes me look like a pig. I tell her I just don’t want to waste food and get all of it. Again, she calls me a pig for that too. Is it okay to smosh in front of others?
Any help is greatly appreciated! Thanks.
-AkAk
Dear AkAk,
First of all, please put your wife on the phone. Dear Wife, please stop calling your husband a pig. Is that any way to treat someone you care about? Secondly, Akak, if something is so disturbing to your partner, why would you persist? This isn’t a case of etiquette. This is about respecting the one you’re with. And for the record, snoshing, (I will never get used to that word) is not appropriate at an American dinner table.
Cordially,
SP
Jul 22nd, 2009
Jay
My partner’s mother believes that her unmarried children should not share a bedroom with their significant others when visiting her home. This goes for both her gay and straight children. Being gay and living in a state where same sex marriage (or domestic partnerships) are not legal, my partner and I will not be getting “married” anytime soon.
While I believe one should abide by all rules-of-the-house, I’m tired of sleeping on the couch when we visit his family. Not only is it uncomfortable, it feels a bit demeaning. We always offer to stay at hotels when we are in town, but she refuses to let us.
How can we broach this topic with her without hurting her southern sensibilities?
(Unsigned)
Jay
Dear Jay,
This is another sticky situation. I am in complete agreement with your partner’s mother that un-marrieds should not sleep in the same bed at a parent’s house. That said, you are also correct stating that in many states same-sex couples are not allowed to marry. We are in the middle of fast-changing times and I feel this won’t be the case for long. But in the meantime, you must (joyfully) abide by the mother’s house rules. After all, how often do you visit her house? Can not you put up with this for a holiday weekend?
Cordially,
SP
Jul 22nd, 2009
DAJM
Hello SP,
How does one appropriately close an email? It seems archaic (and at times insincere) to use Faithfully or Sincerely, And I’m not particularly fond of the more modern ‘All (the) best,’ and ‘Cheers’ is simply not something I would say.
Do enjoyable, yet not gimmicky, ways to end professional emails exist?
Unsurely,
DAJM
Dear DAJM,
Very simple. All professional emails should end with “Cordially,”
Cordially,
SP
Jul 28th, 2009
Paula Douglas
Dear SP:
What is your position on men’s handkerchiefs? My husband has bad allergies and has to blow his nose or sneeze a lot. I think a handkerchief looks better than a wadded up pack of Kleenex and I frequently fail to check his pockets when doing the laundry and wind up with piles of Kleenex lint. He thinks constantly pulling some soggy bit of cloth out of his pocket is gross. I think at the very least a gentleman should carry a handkerchief in his back pocket. When I was a girl and being taught how to iron, I was told a gentleman should always keep a neat square in his back pocket in case he has to offer it to someone.
Cordially,
Paula
p.s. to John H (April); the only place my husband has found a decent supply of long enough sleeved (16-1/2/36) shirts is Brooks Bros.
Dear Paula,
This is tricky business. I am personally opposed to the handkerchief being used as more than anything but pure decoration. I find it rather distasteful to see nose-blowing any where in public. But I think I am a prude on this point and truth be told, a hypocrite. I too used to suffer terribly from allergies and lived through an embarrassing running nose that sometimes felt like a faucet. I sought the help of a doctor and — after many different remedies — was prescribed a medicine that cleared it all up. All this said, until your husband finds the right remedy to control his condition, he could carry a small pack of tissues. The trouble with the handkerchief is that it isn’t very practical after the first couple of uses.
Cordially,
SP
Aug 2nd, 2009
CH
Dear Sp,
I am a college student at a school with a rather stringent dress code. For this reason i will often wear a sports coat to class. If I am in an auditorium style classroom seated next to a girl whom i am fairly well acquatinted with, but not particularly close to, and it is apparent that she is cold, would it be in good etiquette to offer her my jacket in the middle of class?
Cordially,
CH
Dear CH,
It would indeed be the gallant move to offer your jacket to a shivering woman. But since she would feel awkward and naturally opposed to causing a fuss, first remove your jacket as if you were too warm yourself and then quietly offer it to her. This is appropriate only as you say you are well-acquainted with her. A man would not offer such a move to a woman he does not know.
Cordially,
SP
Aug 3rd, 2009
Peter
SP,
At a breakfast meeting this morning, the following issue was raised: Should a man enter a revolving door before or after a woman?
Hope you’re enjoying your time in NYC.
Thanks,
P
Dear P,
I am enjoying the City, thank you. As for the revolving door, a man would give the door a gentle push to get the contraption moving and allow a woman to enter before him. Alone, of course. Nothing is more comical than two people crammed into the pie slice of a revolving door.
Cordially,
SP
Aug 7th, 2009
Dennis
SP,
I’ve enjoyed your site now for the last several months and I have to tell that it is perhaps the smartest and well rounded of all the blogs I’ve seen.
Several months ago I came across an article about a retired British officer, now living in Africa, manufacturing a line of well designed leather & canvas luggage. Every aspect of the manufacturing, from start to finish, was done in Africa. I’d like to revisit his website and purchase a piece or two but am having a difficult time finding it again. I believe the original article was in Men’s Vogue. Can you help?
Thank you.
Dennis
Dear Dennis,
Thanks for you kind words. I am not sure about this luggage, but let me see what I can find. Sounds right up my alley.
Cordially,
SP
Aug 9th, 2009
Mrs. Faber
Greetings SP,
I have been invited to a wedding this weekend with a dress code of “wine country casual”. Needless to say, what is one to wear to this event? Their website suggests flip slops for men since the groom will be sporting them. I have suggested a navy sport coat, dress shirt, and italian khaki’s from J.Crew and leather sandals for my husband. I was thinking a fall Lilly Pulitzer 3/4 sleeve silk dress (sandpiper dress) that is above the knee with pearls and heels. Is this appropriate? I hate dress codes that are difficult to navigate.
Best,
Mrs. Faber
Dear Mrs. Faber,
I am never ceased to be amazed at the dress codes people come up with in order to be cutesy. It is such an insider lingo this “wine country casual.” It’s like “Hamptons Casual” since only the regulars know what it means. But alas, I digress. First of all, men should never wear sandals outside of a gladiator arena and perhaps maybe at a beach resort, but even then I think they are atrocious. Nobody, and I mean nobody, wants to look at a man’s feet. And the groom is wearing flip flops? Only in California is all that I can say. The blazer, shirt and khakis you have suggested for your husband sound right on appropriate. As for footwear, I would wear Gucci loafers or some equivalent. And in a nod to California causal, how about sockless? Your Lily sounds beautiful. Have fun in the wine country and give the happy couple my best regards.
Cordially,
SP
Oct 7th, 2009
Mark
Dear SP:
Does the rule against wearing white after labor day apply to a shirt with a pattern against a white background?
Sincerely,
Mark
Dear Mark,
The no-white-after-Labor Day-rule applies to shoes and suits mostly, but also outerwear, belts and pants. Shirts are excluded. So yes, you can wear a white shirt, solid or patterned, any time of the year.
Cordially,
SP
Nov 6th, 2009
Patricia
Hi —
I read your bow tie column with great interest. Actually, I can tie both a bowtie and a “regular” tie. When I was in college, my then boyfriend taught me. It has actually come in handy when various men in my life are stuck. I remember that I practiced tying it around my thigh. (Sounds weird, but it worked.)
Oh, and I can also drive a shift and throw a football AND dance in Manolos… but my French is pretty lame.
The point of this note — I noticed that when Donald Trump’s daughter recently got married, the wedding photos were published, and I would bet that the groom was wearing a CLIP ON BOW TIE! And it was too thick (to my eye) AND it was crooked! (Look it up online, if you wish.)
I could not believe it — such a public wedding, and the bride certainly looked lovely, and no one was on hand to make sure the groom’s tie was on straight/appropriate.
Well, they obviously needed you there!
Love the column.
Nov 10th, 2009
Jay
Dear SP,
I am writing to get your opinion on a something I have been toggling with for quite awhile. I met a young lady at a social gathering. She happened to be working the social event that evening as part of her job. The event was a social mixer. We hit it off instantly, the chemistry was great! Over the course of the next month our relationship grew. We established a regular calling pattern and invited each other on dates. Everything seemed well until we planned what was going to happen after watching a basketball game together. During the game she asked if I would be interested in attending a “wine event” after the game. Although I had a more intimate venue in mind for us to go after the conclusion of the game, I acquiesced to her invite, thinking that I should give her some choice in the decision.
As we arrive to the wine bar, I realize that she has thrust us right into the middle of a business networking mixer. This was a surprise to me. It just so happened that she knew several of the patrons at the mixer from other parties she worked. I knew no one. I was a great sport and willingly participated in the activities planned by the host that evening. After the evening ended I thought this date was strange. Much to my disappointment, we ended up learning more about other people than each other? After approaching her about her questionable choice for the venue she became offensive and stated that the mixer was like any other social venue. Because this was our third date in our brief dating history , I am interested in knowing what rules of etiquette govern the choice of a dating location and am I crazy to think that in this point of our dating history a mixer is not a very good choice?
Sincerely,
Jay
Dear Jay (and other trigger-happy daters),
Congratulations on finding a possible mate. In this crazy busy world, as witnessed by Anne, it is damn hard to find compatibility. Especially after college when work consumes our lives and play time becomes less and less frequent. We careen off each other rarely letting opportunities land. With people so desperate for the chance merely to meet each other — the internet is now one very viable and even respectable way – we should leave snap judgement and easy sensitivities at home.
You want to throw this great beginning away because this woman took you to a work mixer? No no no. Step away from the ledge. If these were your only outings I would say perhaps she’s just not that into you. But as you say, you’ve been to non-work related events so she obviously enjoys your company. The next time it’s your turn to choose the date, take her to your favorite place, a new restaurant, what have you. Here you can be intimate, get to know each other better and see if this is the right place for both of you. In this increasingly crazy world where meeting quality, compatible mates is already hard as hell, we should be open to all of the possibilities and leave quick judgments behind. Let’s leave the Hollywood clichés behind and realize attraction and reaction come in many forms and we can be open to all the possibilities. Now, why do I suddenly feel like the love child of Oprah and Dr. Phil?
Cordially,
SP
Jan 31st, 2010
Kevin
SP:
Great site. I’ve been following it for some time now, and it only gets better.
I am slated to attend a black-tie reception and dinner in a couple of months, and I have a couple of questions regarding proper dress. I own a custom-tailored classic tuxedo that was made for my wedding (and it still fits perfect after 10 years, no doubt). The look I’m going for is classic–Daniel Craig in Casino Royale, if you will. With the background that I don’t particularly want to spend money on patent-leather shoes I’ll only wear once every three years (ditto pleated shirt and studs), my questions are these:
1. Instead of the pleated, studded shirt, would a classic semi-spread collar french-cuff dress shirt suffice?
2. Will expertly polished black cap-toe dress shoes suffice?
3. Is a cummerbund necessary, or would black suspenders be just as appropriate?
Thanks so much in advance.
Kevin
Dear Kevin,
Thank you for your kind words regarding the site. Approbation is always appreciated. Now, let’s tackle your query. If you say you CANNOT afford the new things you need, then by all means improvise. I would never urge you to spend money you do not have. And you would “pass” with the improvisation. BUT, if it is merely that you don’t WANT to spend the money, that’s a different story.
1. A dress shirt is not an evening shirt. Invest in a new evening shirt and studs.
2. Highly-polished black shoes will suffice, but are not ideal. Check out your local tuxedo rental shop and see if they will rent you the shoes separately if you don’t want to spend the money on pumps or patent leather lace-ups.
3. And yes, a cummerbund is necessary. There are affordable alternatives to new and expensive.
4. Get thee on ebay. You can find incredible deals on formal wear.
I hope this helps. Thanks for writing.
Cordially,
SP
Feb 3rd, 2010
Jim T
This entire column features a unifying item that pretty much spurs my brief questions: the elevator (introductions on, who gets in or out first, evolving friendships).
1. My wife abhors meeting people I know whom she does not. She’ll smile through and bear an introduction, then lecture me later about how much she “hates” that exercise. Her usual justification: “I’ll never see those people again …”
2. Her father’s recent death prompted condolences and visitations and offers to rekindle friendships she has since let fade away. As with your correspondent above, they are now trying to go through me to get to her. We were not “friends,” per se, but knew each other through her, and I got along fine with them all and their spouses. So far I have resisted responding, with the predicable silence in return. Maybe they’re getting the point, but she seems not to be. I’m feeling rude and caught in the middle not responding, but I know to do so will open up the whole ordeal all over.
3. I agree with letting age and beauty enter and exit first, but when it comes to elevators, buses, restaurant lobbies, I tend to always allow the exuant before entering, simply because there will then be more room inside. So how to deal with either people who refuse to “exit” first, or those who refuse to wait first?
Dear Jim T,
Thank you for writing in, but I have to say I almost fell over at first glance thinking you were needing answers to all these. I thought, Lord man, I do have to earn a living. But upon further reading I see you were merely commenting, for the most part, and that is always appreciated. As for the last issue on elevators, buses, etc, you are right to let last on first off. As is always the case with doing what is right, let situation and convenience be your guide. If someone doesn’t move as expected, just step aside with a “Pardon me” and go on about your business. We don’t want to sit around all day trying to be proper when faced with ignorance or willful rudeness. Just carry on.
Cordially,
SP
Feb 25th, 2010
Becky
Dear SP,
I love your site! You have been able to answer questions for me that I have long been wondering about!
My question relates to the appropiate time and place to apply fashion rules and ( in some cases) behaviour rules. My husband and I live in an area of our state in which agriculture is the major industry. The only aparent influx of fashion is from college students who attend the local school. My husband is currently laid off, and while he is persuing a new career, he has fallen into the trap that this area sets. Unfourtunately the standard around here is pretty low. You rarely see a business suit, the most I have seen is a sport coat and dress pants, it is acceptable to wear exersise clothing in public and casual means shorts and a tee. I know for a fact that dressing too nice imparts to locals that you do not belong. However I repetetively ask my husband to put on jeans instead of shorts when he goes out because that looks better. His response is that he is going to the mall/store/movies/running errands and who does he need to impress? I see his point, I like to dress casually, but nicely yet I often feel self-concious and over-dressed for this area. I should point out that I am a recent convert to style while my husband grew up in a very style concious family, yet often underdresses for important occasions and encourages me to do the same.
His new career would require both of us to move in less casual circles and I want to be sure we do this gracefully without feeling like we don’t belong where we live. Do we have two sets of standards, one for local interaction and one for work related socializing? I’m 27, my husband is 43 and I really want to do things right. My husband at least knows what is appropiate ( even if he chooses to ignore it) while I am still learning.
Please Help!
Sincerely,
Becky
Mar 3rd, 2010
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