Stand Up for Respect

posted on May 28, 2012

this article has 7 comments

posted in Decorum,Etiquette and Manners,Rules & Traditions

Sitting on the piazza of a grand Charleston house yesterday, the beauty and bliss of a perfect early evening was tainted by a disturbing story relayed by a friend regarding her 16 year old son and one of his friends. Yes this story takes place within the confines of the Holy City, but in an even rarer world referred to as “The Peninsula” by those who were born, schooled and stayed here. This is a tight coterie of families who grew up together, went to private schools together, socialize together and often refer to nearly everyone as “cousin” half the time, I believe, because they know they are related somehow but don’t remember the exact branch of the family tree at times.

This Charleston lady, let’s call her Mrs. Rutledge, was telling me she was awakened the night before by the sound of loud voices on her back porch around 3 in the morning. She walked down to discover her 16 year son, his friend and two girls drinking beer. Well, this was a problem for any mother and she furiously began to deal with the situation. She knew the other boy as a classmate of her son, but the girls were strangers to her. She asked their names to which the girls replied with fake names. Infuriating and disrespectful to say the least. She then asked the other boy, let’s call him Sebastian, if his parents knew where he was. Sebastian, who was lying insouciantly on the sofa, said that his parents did not care (which was probably another untruth) but this was not the most shocking part of the story. Mrs. Rutledge lowered her voice while leaning in and said. “And do you know that Sebastian just laid there, not even bothering to stand up?”

This is no prude mother. In fact, I have shared many a healthy libation with her and her husband at social events around town. She is open-minded and tolerant with the ways of teenagers and is under no illusions understanding that teens will be teens and they will find their way into trouble. But to stand on her own porch with a friend of her son’s lying on her sofa at 3 in the morning NOT standing when she entered the space was the ultimate insult. Granted, this kid is “From off” as Charlestonians say about people who move here, but From off or not, this kid has now been marked as someone with no respect for his elders or women and that is a serious blow from which his reputation will not recover.

Boys, guys, bros, young men let me be clear. This is a place you do not want to be. Article One in Bill of Rites for the American Man is A Man Stands. There is a reason this act is first in the book of rules on civilized behavior for men. It is the first thing civilized people notice and it says loads about your character. To review, here is an except from the book:

The Code:

A man stands when someone his age or older enters a room. This applies to a woman, a man, or a parent.
A man does not sit in a room when any women are standing. The rules are relaxed these days in your workplace or on public transportation, but you would still give up your seat to a pregnant woman, an elderly man or woman or anyone who seems in distress or upset.
For the record, a man never reaches to shake a woman’s hand. If she offers, he certainly takes her hand but he does not initiate. Instead he politely nods his head in acknowledgment of the introduction. This is an old rule and one that can be difficult to maneuver in the modern world. If a woman in society or business extends her hand, you would surely take it, but the rule of civility is that a man would not aggressively reach for a woman. Perhaps this old rule applies only to women of a certain age and SP is admittedly a little old-fashioned. But this is correct and I digress.
A man stands when the woman seated to his right at the table stands to leave and when she returns. Nowadays few people adhere to the one-man-for-every-woman rule at table. In this case, you would rise for the woman next to you whether she is seated on the left or the right, especially if there is not a man on her left. You need not stand when the woman across from you stands. That is her dinner partner’s duty.
All men stand when a woman approaches the table or the seat he is occupying. All men. I realize in this world of casual dinners and liberation it can seem awkward or dorky to rise from table when a woman approaches but it is correct and right. It is not necessary for all of the men at the table to rise if she comes and goes like a rabbit. Only her date is sentenced to that punishment.
When a woman rises from or returns to the table, the gentleman holds her chair and guides it under her.

Bill of Rites for the American Man is available on Amazon or for a signed copy in the SP Shop.

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this post has 7 comments

This is very troubling. As a secondary school teacher, I am confronted with the dire realisation that many of the traditional manners and polished way of socially interacting with others seems to have gone by the wayside by this younger generation.

I find myself teaching basic manners and social ettiquette as much as the mathematics that I am paid to teach! But I don’t mind, as I see that situations like these are “teachable moments”. Afterall, it is the proper thing to do with the youngsters.

I understand that some rules seem a bit archaic but the basics of acknowledging the social standings of age by merely standing out of respect of seniority, especially as a guest, seem disturbing…especially in light of being in someone’s home! This is basic ettiquette that goes beyong regions.

As a youngster, I lived in both the South and the North, even on the West coast and witnessed the same rules of ettiquette…stand out of respect and aknowledgement for the person that you are about to interact with!

Sorry to say, but I would have helped this young man find his way off my property after teaching him some proper ettiguette.

posted on July 10, 2012

C.L. Young

4231
Oh, my. You — and your commenters — have strayed into dangerous lay-lie territory. And one commenter seems strongly devoted to every convention except sentential capitalization.

posted on July 8, 2012

Bradley

4226
my father raised my brothers to stand whenever a lady – young or old – entered the room and to stand by their chair at the dining room table until all the ladies present had been seated (and they were to help those on either side into their chairs). i have lived in the northeast more than half my life now, sadly, and rarely do i find a gentleman, young or old, who stands by their chair until the ladies at their table have been properly seated, much less whenever a lady enters or leaves a room. i am raising three daughters and while i have told them this southern custom they have not really seen it outside their visits to my homeland. i think all young men should be schooled to show their respect to their mothers, as well as all ladies, by standing whenever a lady enters their presence. it shows they acknowledge they are present.

what i found most disturbing about the story, however, was the young man continuing to lie on the couch after the mother came upon the situation. has he no shame? who does he think he is? it is sad that he did not stand up, but the shame of him to just lie there like a sloth and show no respect what-so-ever to his friend’s mother. i would have been so embarrassed had that been my friend and you can bet my parents would NOT have allowed that friend to return to our home without properly (and sincerely) apologizing for his behavior.

i praise you for sharing your friend’s sad tale and hope the lesson is learned by your readers. it is never out of style to show respect for your elders, women and all others with whom you come into contact. very simple rules, yet ignoring them can cost you your good name in some parts.

posted on June 8, 2012

jeanne

4132
Coming from a man of twenty four years, with great gratitude; thank you. I happily admit, I’ve been made aware that age does not determine manhood, but the little things (that aren’t so little). This article speaks to the Man, even the King deep inside all of us.

posted on June 5, 2012

Nicholas

4123
Yes it does warrant these “ramblings”. Saying kids will be kids is a slippery slope.

posted on May 29, 2012

paul marchese

4104
I am purchasing this book for my two son’s immediately. I have the same issue with my oldest son’s friends. Ironically, the younger son’s friends are much more polite and polished.

posted on May 28, 2012

Farrah

4102
in the end, kids will be kids. But honestly, does one teenager that lied, and had a level of disrespect for his friend’s mother really warrant these ramblings?

Welcome to Social Primer, Tripp. This is what we do. Glad to have you visit.
Cordially,
SP

posted on May 28, 2012

Tripp

4100