SP loves a toast. What’s not to love? The act accompanies two of my favorite things: Booze and Socializing. And believe it or not, I do love to deliver an impromptu toast. Rising, speaking, drinking. What could be better?
I’ve waxed on here before of my absolute relish of a long-winded boozy speech at rehearsal dinners and weddings. Inappropriate? Impossible. I love them all. And I don’t relegate the art of toasting to weddings and formal occasions. No, I believe we should toast whenever old (and new) friends gather and there is booze in the cups.
Dinner parties, porch parties, nights out on the town, you name it. I believe the act of toasting is not only polite but necessary, especially in a group of people who don’t know each other very well and perhaps don’t know why we are all gathered there in the first place or who the other members of the party are. I admire a host who rises at the outset of dinner and welcomes us all to his house and gives a little intro like thus: “I want to thank you all for making your way to my table tonight. I realize with busy schedules and this incessant rain, it is not always easy or desirable to venture out to yet another commitment, so your mere presence here honors me and my wife. And now that you are here, I would like you all to welcome my old friend Alistair who has flown here all the way from London to be with us. I know you will all come to love this man for his brilliant mind and wicked sense of humor, if not perhaps forgiving his poor dressing habits and foul language. Here’s to all of you and to Alistair. Cheers.” Welcome, affection and humor. This is a brilliant toast and sets the tone for the evening. It is as
necessary as a fork and a
glass of scotch to the completion of a perfect evening.
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Many of you may have read somewhere that SP was on
a little bow tie tour across the country with the venerable
Brooks Brothers. The recently completed travel to a few of my
favorite cities presented the good fortune of meeting many, many new people and running into old friends galore, so you can imagine that there were many boozy nights and many toasts to the
project’s success. Coast to coast, there were many toasts. (Sorry, I couldn’t resist.) Well, as much I love a great toast, and many of them in succession, there is one aspect of this tradition that bugs the hell out of me and that is the awkward insistence that people look each other in the eye when they toast. I had never heard of this tradition – “it’s back luck not to look in the eye!” – until I spent time in Los Angeles. I chalked it up to the inordinate number of Brits and Aussies who live out there and left it at that and played along stifling my objections in a hearty gulp of the libation at hand. But now I am noticing it all over the country and it has gotten on my nerves.
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There you are, in a great dining room or tippling house and someone raises a glass to bring us all together and sooner or later, there’s always the inevitable “Look in the eye!” or worse, that creepy glare of people making a big bug-eyed show of looking you in the eye. Could anything be less sincere? Yuck. I really hate it. So before I blast this ridiculous “tradition”, let’s get to the root of the evil. Where did it all begin and how do we banish its inclusion in one of our favorite social traditions? I mean, if you’re at table with four old friends and you want to look them in the eye while you toast, that seems ok. It’s natural that your eyes would follow your glass as it clinks the glasses around you. It’s at these big eight (or more) person dinner parties or pub crawls where you have to make such a damn show of going around the table making goo goo eyes at everyone that has gotten under my skin one too many times so let’s attempt to trace the source.
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From what I’ve heard and read it all began with the Vikings who would heartily clink their mugs together before battle, after battle or whenever gathering and look each other in the eye. The theory positing that if any man had poisoned the drink, the tainted libation would spill into all cups and hence off them all. It is supposed that the looking in the eye would further the honorable intention that no, I did not drop poison in your cup. It appears that in some cultures (non-American) touching glasses requires eye contact. If eye contact is not established at the time of touching glasses, the two participants are said to have seven years bad luck (or in some cases, bad “intimate relations”). Well, since we are concerned here with manners and style for American men, let’s make this case once and for all. In America, we don’t find it necessary (or comfortable) to look each other deeply in the eye when we toast. You can tell them SP says so and I stand by it.
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Rules on Toasting: (courtesy of about.com with commentary by SP, of course)
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• The first toast should be made by the host. Unless the host is shy or ignorant. I usually pull him aside and remind him a little toast is called for. If he is reluctant, I ask if I might do the honor.
• The person receiving the toast should remain seated and should not drink to the toast. Seems right to me. Although, I find it hard not to drink after a toast, even when it’s about me.
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• When the guest of honor is being toasted, they stand when the toast is finished and thank the one who gave the toast. Yes, stand and bask in the glory.
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• When giving a toast you should stand and speak slow enough and loud enough for all guests to hear. Always, especially when the noise level would prevent those at the other end of the table from witnessing your incredibly pithy remarks.
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• Prepare ahead of time; you should know what you are going to say and avoid being long-winded. This applies more to formal occasions, but even at a simple dinner you would run through a few points in your head before you open your mouth. Note. This becomes increasingly more difficult as the level of alcohol in your system rises.
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• Mention those being toasted by name, your relationship to them, and a thought about this wonderful event. Here, here. Thank you Lucy and Irwin for this marvelous dinner on the occasion of your new position.
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• Add witty anecdotes wherever possible, if they are in good taste. Taste is subjective so let it rip. Just don’t be vulgar and remember the ladies at the table. If it’s all men, you are free to be as ribald as you like.
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• Avoid consuming alcohol before giving a toast. Uh, not likely since we had a glass or two at home while getting dressed.
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• Don’t forget to cap off the toast with a hearty ending like “Cheers!”
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• Other guests should always take part in a toast using whatever glass is handy, even if it is just an empty water glass. Some people will tell you that you should not toast with anything other than wine or Champagne. If those are placed before you and that is the host’s wish then toast with what is provided. If you are out at the ale house and holding onto a beer mug or a long neck, toast away. It’s the thought that matters, not the liquid in the glass.
this post has 11 comments
Actually, in many non-western cultures “looking in the eye” is considered rather uppity. It is in the West that “not looking in the eye” is viewed with suspicion.
posted on July 8, 2010
hcat
1668
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posted on June 18, 2010
dental hygienist
1610
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posted on June 15, 2010
veterinary technician
1604
What a great resource!
posted on June 13, 2010
physician assistant
1598
I wrote a long post but it vanished… hopefully I get it right once more.
I was raised by my parents to wait with tasting the drink served (during a dinner or when it’s simultaneously served to everyone) until the host/hostess has tasted his/her, with or without a toast or welcome speech. I still consider this the right way to do it, and I feel uneasy when a guest drinks from his/her glass before the host/hostess has “allowed” it. Any dinner, formal or informal, at my parents’ begins with a toast, initiated by my father, although everyone can throw in a suggestion at what to toast. I love this tradition. It is simple, yet festive.
posted on June 10, 2010
Anna
1597
As someone who loves to toast and give speeches. Fantastic blog post on the good art and the need. Well done! Love the bow ties too!
posted on June 10, 2010
John Toner
1596
nice post. thanks.
posted on June 9, 2010
pharmacy tech
1594
These are great rules, but one thing that unfortunately needs to be stated for the record is that a toast is called a toast.
It’s shocking and it makes me cringe, every time I hear someone use the word ‘cheers’ as a verb, especially in the past tense.
posted on June 9, 2010
The Baltimore Chop
1592
Here! Here!
posted on June 9, 2010
Elisabeth
1591
Well done. I too like a good toast; the boozy the better, I say. I would add another gripe: I hate the over the top clinking of glasses where party goers insist on clinking glasses with every single person at the table, even if that means reaching across others to accomplish this. Ugh. It seems so disingenuous, not unlike your eye contact example above.
Love the blog.
Adam
posted on June 9, 2010
Adam
1590
Absolutely dead on!
The “look in the eye” thing is silly, and bothersome.
Toasting, as in addressing one’s guests and thanking them, is wonderful.
Toasting, however, as in clinking glasses, is bad etiquette.
Here is the *real* historical origin of clinking glasses: in the Middle Ages and Renaissance, guests of note at state and other formal banquets would pour from their glasses into each other’s glasses — as a way to show that the drink was not poisoned. Commoners saw this and interpreted this as clinking, a way that aristocrats toasted each other. Clinking your glass therefore implies either 1) that you do not trust the person you’re clinking with, or 2) that you don’t know what clinking means.
Of course, when in Rome do as the Romans do — it would be boorish to refuse a clinking. But as much as I love toasting, I never initiate a clink.
posted on June 9, 2010
PEG
1588