Hi SP,
I work in a small, predominantly-male office – a digital start-up. The guys are great, but I have to pick my battles when it comes to cleanliness and “smells.” I let a lot go, but this I cannot tolerate any longer. I sit across from one of the guys – our desks literally face each other to form one table – and his feet STINK.
Since summer started he routinely wears flip flops and, even worse, takes them off and rests his feet so they dangle into my area under the desk. I don’t know if it’s the flip flops or the feet but it is so offensive – I want to gag. I know if I tell my bosses they’ll think I’m just being a girl, so I need to address with him directly. But how do I do so tactfully? He is a very sweet and well-meaning guy otherwise and I don’t think he has any clue. I’m sitting in the corner as I write this to stay away from the pungent odor.
Help!
Cass
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Dear Cass,
You poor poor thing. There is nothing worse, well maybe there is, but this is a pretty bad case of olfactory offense. I feel your pain, for I am blessed/cursed with a very sensitive sense of smell. It is my sharpest of all the five and I do experience some doozies. (NYC subway platform in August, anyone?) Here is what you should do. Since this is a work environment and not a friendship (where you would inform the offending friend upon first discovery), you should act as if you’ve just discovered the smell, quite by accident. Make it a Monday morning, so it will seem like it is something completely new. “What is that smell?” you might ask so that the coworker will definitely hear you. Begin a frantic search around the desk determined to pin down the source. “Is there a dead animal in here? Did something come in here and die over the weekend?” Engage your coworker in the search to root out the source. If he does not get this not so subtle hint after a moment or two, then it is your golden opportunity to address the source directly. “John Boy, I am afraid the dead animal is on you. You must have stepped in something on your way into the office. “ If he still doesn’t get it after looking at the bottoms of his shoes and finding nothing, then it would be your turn to deliver the news. “Dude, your feet stink.”
Cordially,
SP
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Dear SP,
I wonder if you might be writing (or rewriting) about the value of a prompt RSVP anytime soon? My wife and I recently sent out invitations to a party in honor of close friend. Guests received them 10 days prior to the event date and it gave a date to RSVP by, in this case, Sunday the 13th, allowing us five days to make arrangements for food and drinks. Well, the RSVP date has come and gone and literally half the guests have not replied. One or two were out of town, or had their mail forwarded to a new address we were unaware of, and have replied sheepishly, but kindly. Am I to assume that those who have not replied don’t plan to attend? Obviously we plan for the biggest possible number, but the decency of a prompt RSVP is clearly a lost art.
Rob
Dear Rob,
You should know better than to get SP started on the state of RSVPs today. During the recently completed Brooks Brothers bow tie tour we sent out 500 invitations in each city. The guests were carefully chosen, mind you, all friends and VIPS of the hosts in each city. Do you suppose these grateful individuals RSVP’d promptly and with pleasure to such an esteemed and sought-after invitation? Hardly. Evidently people today are so bombarded with invitations they can’t be bothered to respond. Well, I instructed the event staff to close the list and instruct those at the door if they did not RSVP, they would not get in. I am sorry but someone has to take a stand against this abhorrent behavior. I mean, if you buy booze for the 100 who actually had the good upbringing to RSVP and 350 rutabagas show up, it ruins the party. I for one don’t stay at any event when the bar runs dry. There are those who will posit the same argument for food, but eh, I’m a big fan of crumbled up Parmesan and a plate of crackers, so that’s not my battle on how many mini cheeseburgers or lobster rolls will suffice. And these rutabagas names’ are stricken from future lists. Why should they be invited? They have obviously proven they are not civil and hence not worthy of attending our parties. Oh, sorry. See what you did? You opened a flood gate. Closed now, back to your dinner party.
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Since it’s a small party and you need to know the guest number to plan accordingly, you should call the lazy, ignorant guests and ask them, A. did you receive our invitation? and B. are you attending? All done with complete civility and decorum and with sincere hope they will get the hint. People. Answer invitations. It is your duty. I can’t talk about this anymore. I’m going to need some of that blood pressure medicine my aunt is always talking about.
Cordially,
SP
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SP –
I have read your post on being a good house guest multiple times – I know most of these items by heart (whether it be through good parenting when I was young or sheer luck is another matter). I was curious about the follow up to a visit, however; do I send a thank you note? A small gift? I visited friends in the D.C. area and had a great time, but wasn’t sure on the next steps. Any advice is graciously appreciated.
-John
Dear John,
You know the joys of being a house guest because you seem to be a good one. And that means you get invited back. A note is always welcome after the fact as you don’t want to overdo the gifting. Here’s what I suggest (and perhaps should make an addendum to the original post.
1st Visit – Gift upon arrival (if you know the host’s taste or are a great gift selector) or a nice bottle of wine or Champagne. Follow with a well written thank you note to arrive within a week after your stay.
2nd visit – smaller gift (now that you know the house and the host’s style) or a bottle, flowers, or dessert. I usually send a note after the second visit, but it can be overkill. If you expressed your thoughts sincerely and eloquently in the first note, those sentiments should stand for the duration.
Same for all subsequent visits.
Enjoy the house guest season, it is upon us. Lake houses, beach houses, mountain houses, sailboats, dune shacks, whatever your pleasure, enjoy your friends hospitality.
Cordially,
SP
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Dear SP.
I’ve been invited by a neighbor to join her for dinner at an exclusive members-only club. A jacket is required (tie optional). Would it be appropriate to wear a seersucker suit?
Anon
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Dear Anon,
Lucky you. SP is a country club junkie and I love checking out the inner sanctums to see what makes different groups tick. I consider it my Diane Fosse duty to learn all I can about these social gorillas. Let’s begin by saying that club rules are varied depending on the type of club (is it a golf club, sailing racquet club, dinner club, luncheon club, swimming club, beach club, et al) and the geographic location (WASPy New England, flashy Hamptons, Conservative South, Lackadaisical West Coast?), so many elements and factors to consider, but here are a few unchangeables. Unless you are in the Deep South, you would avoid seersucker late into the evening. Dinner usually means Eight o’clock and that is late for seersucker or any light suit. Of course if drinks begin at 6 or 6:30 and then flow into dinner, this is ok. I would stick to the uniform: Navy blazer, white button down, conservative tie, khakis and loafers. When wearing the uniform you will fit in anywhere and feel appropriately dressed whether at the Harbor Club, Seal Harbor, Maine, The Maidstone Club in East Hampton or the Carolina Yacht Club in Charleston. The uniform transcends location and all club dress codes.
Cordially,
SP
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Dear SP,
I have only recently discovered your blog and I am, to say the least, pleased to see that there are people still concerned with civility and are guarding a known good. However, I must admit that I enjoy nothing more than a simple book. The scent of the pages, the feeling of the crisp paper, the eyestrain it saves me, indeed, a book is truly one of man’s best friends. To cut to the point, I was wondering if you could recommend any books on the art of being a civilized person. I have only recently graduated high school, and as I enter the real world, I would be happier if I could uphold a high standard decorum.
Many thanks,
Unsigned.
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Dear Unsigned,
Thank you for your kind words and kindred spirit. I too love the ritual of the book and will never succumb to an electronic display of words, sorry Kindle (www.socialprimer.com notwithstanding, of course). I read with a pen in my hand, underlining passages that move me or words I don’t know. Books are both precious text and scratch pad to me. I rarely borrow books because I want to feel free to mark them up at will. As for the definitive book on the subject you raise, well, you’ll have to wait for the Social Primer tome to come out next winter. Until then, here’s a beginner’s curriculum and I am sure our dear readers will add to the list in the comments section.
Thank you for writing and good reading!
Cordially,
SP
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Start with the civilized and the dead:
Good and Bad Manners in Architecture by A. Trystan Edward
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Then the tackle the Trinity:
Emily Post, Amy Vanderbilt, & Millicent Fenwick
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Layer in with some contemporary yet timeless advice from
.
And for a little British flavor try
.
Then, at long last, the novelists:
House of Mirth and The Age of Innocence by Edith Wharton
The Portrait of a Lady by Henry James
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And everything by F. Scott Fitzgerald but particularly
This Side of Paradise
The Beautiful and Damned
The Great Gatsby
Tender is the Night
this post has 4 comments
Sp,
I’ve never heard anyone call the classic khakis and blue blazer “the uniform” before but I couldn’t agree with you more. The outfit is as classic as the day is long and always a good choice when the dress code is a bit ambiguous.
posted on January 10, 2011
old line state
2174
Most of the invitations we get nowadays are to promotional events or fundraisers of some kind. I’ve heard the rule that these kind only require a positive RSVP and not a negative one (though your secretary is not permitted to quote that to the politician calling to follow up; it’s best to have a universal decline policy in such cases)
Requests for host committee service cannot be pocket vetoed, though your assistant may ask “when do you need to know” and “as soon as possible” is not an acceptable answer. If the deadline is too short, a universal decline is again the policy. It is asinine for people to get in their car on the way to the printer and then start making calls to confirm their host commitee list, but it is a common practice.
For purely social events with no promotional agenda, the double RSVP should apply. But to be on the safe side a nice trick would be to disclose only the time of the event and the nearest town and offer the actual location only in the event of a positive RSVP. People nowadays have to be incentivized; they don’t do the right thing out of the goodness of their hearts.
posted on July 8, 2010
hcat
1670
Re Cass: Reason #572 to never wear sandals in any material besides leather.
posted on July 4, 2010
Michael
1653
Re: Emily Post
Lay hands on one of the older editions of Post’s book if possible, preferably one of the runs from before 1960 that she wrote herself (maybe the 1949 was the last one she did personally? I forget at the moment.). The newer editions, while providing some insight into new inventions, are laden with diverse rubbish capitulating to the decline of civilization in the intervening years, and so are just as likely to lead astray as to guide.
posted on June 30, 2010
Titus
1642