Social Primer

Commenting and advising on the interaction between would-be paramours would seem a bit off subject here on SP, but we respond to the readers and the readers this week have been pushing their romantic frustrations. Public behavior is addressed here and this subject definitely falls into that category. In the quest to form a more perfect gentleman, here is a little insight from a woman waiting to meet her man.

Anne writes:

Re: Changing our meeting habits

Dear SP,

We single girls run around town totally busy — on the subway, into meetings, out for dinners — and often catch the eye of a guy, smile and keep on running. So it was refreshing to hear of a lovely story from one of my single girlfriends in New York this weekend who caught the eye of a gentleman in Bloomingdales. A few minutes later he asked her for coffee. As much as this mirrors the movie Serendipity I have to give the man credit for having the nerve to approach her and start the conversation.

Now, this is a practice I may not have encouraged a few years ago believing this behavior un-gentlemanly and not proper, but in this day and age of internet dating and hectic lives, I am wondering why not? Why shouldn’t a man approach an attractive woman? The worst she can say is no and if nothing else you know you’ve given her a little ego boost. The meeting and matching scene has become so tricky these days with our lives so busy many women I know are on the internet searching for men the same as they search for shoes. Unfortunately these men don’t arrive in a box or fit perfectly. Many friends tell me “Oh. I know the perfect partner for you” and then I meet him and wonder what my friends really think of me.

Fast drinks and quick coffees are the practice of the trade with the internet dating crew – apparently you should never accept dinner on a first date as the chance of not getting along is high. I think this is a shame. It was with great delight I listened to my friend enjoy a lovely coffee, meet a new friend and who knows where it may all end? It might not be the perfect romance but the exuberant air with which she told the story made me happy that there are men out there willing to take a chance and make a move.

Regards,

Anne

Did anyone else hear the theme from Sex & the City while reading that letter? The old etiquette books tell us that a man does not approach a woman he does not know. If he holds the door for her, he is supposed to expect nothing more than a brief acknowledgment from the lady, perhaps a slight smile. The reasoning goes that a woman should be comfortable to go about her business without being harassed by strange men, and the even older notion that a woman’s reputation shouldn’t be compromised. These notions were determined and these books were written long before women were considered equals to men. In our modern times there needs to be an adjustment to the interaction between the sexes while still maintaining a level of respect and decorum. (Same sex interactions don’t have this dilemma. We don’t need to address this here, but some of the same expectations will still apply.) It is entirely in the woman’s court. If she is interested, or open to the man’s approach, she should let him know. It is usually only the most confident (and perhaps cocky) of men who will cross over and initiate a conversation with a strange woman he is attracted to in a public place. It’s a tricky, slippery slope, but if handled with grace and tact it could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Perhaps there’s an app for that in the works.

And this from a Gent:

Dear SP,

I am writing to get your opinion on something I have been toggling with for quite a while. I met a young lady at a social gathering. She happened to be working the event that evening as part of her job. The event was a social mixer. We hit it off instantly, the chemistry was great! Over the course of the next month our relationship grew. We established a regular calling pattern and invited each other on dates. Everything seemed well until we planned what was going to happen after watching a basketball game together. During the game she asked if I would be interested in attending a “wine event” after the game. Although I had a more intimate venue in mind for us to go, I acquiesced thinking that I should give her some choice in the decision.

As we arrived at the wine bar, I realized that she had thrust us right into the middle of a business-networking mixer. This was a surprise to me. It just so happened that she knew several of the patrons at the mixer from other parties she worked. I knew no one. I was a great sport and willingly participated in the activities planned by the host that evening. After the evening ended I thought this date was strange. Much to my disappointment, we ended up learning more about other people than each other. After approaching her about her questionable choice for the venue she became defensive and stated that the mixer was like any other social venue. Because this was our third date in our brief dating history, I am interested in knowing what rules of etiquette govern the choice of a dating location and am I crazy to think that in this point in our history a mixer is not a very good choice?

Sincerely,
Jay

Dear Jay (and other trigger-happy daters),

Congratulations on finding a possible mate. In this crazy busy world, as witnessed by Anne, it is damn hard to find compatibility. Especially after college when work consumes our lives and play time becomes less and less frequent. We careen off each other rarely letting opportunities land. With people so desperate for the chance merely to meet each other — the internet is now one very viable and even respectable way – we should leave snap judgement and easy sensitivities at home.

You want to throw this great beginning away because this woman took you to a work mixer? No no no. Step away from the ledge. If these were your only outings I would say perhaps she’s just not that into you. But as you say, you’ve been to non-work related events so she obviously enjoys your company. The next time it’s your turn to choose the date, take her to your favorite place, a new restaurant, what have you. Here you can be intimate, get to know each other better and see if this is the right place for both of you. In this increasingly crazy world where meeting quality, compatible mates is already hard as hell, we should be open to all of the possibilities and resist the quick judgments. Let’s leave the Hollywood clichés on the screen and realize attraction and reaction come in many forms. Remain open to all the possibilities. Now, why do I suddenly feel like the love child of Oprah and Dr. Phil?

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