Ask SP: Readers’ Queries Answered

The mail bag here at SP General Delivery has grown bulky (and some might say dusty, some of these were sent so long ago. Sorry.) So now it is time to sit down at the desk, pull out the quill and put our readers’ whirring minds at rest.

Bribery Quid Pro Quo

Hello, SP.

Yours truly applied to grad school and got accepted. This is good. Lots of credit goes to two co-workers who each wrote a glowing letter of recommendation. There’s real gratitude here, and I can’t figure out how to convey it. Can you? The right gift would cost under 100 dollars—but would not reek of quid-pro-quo—as in, “Thanks for the recommendation; here’s your payment.”

Thank you,

Joel

Dear Joel,

Congratulations on your admission to graduate school and postponement of the rigors of the real world for a few years longer. I envy you. As for acknowledgment of the indeed great deed done you by your co-workers, only your own judgment and experience should dictate how you repay your gratitude to anyone for any reason. That said, a well-written note is more than sufficient when it comes to this situation. Just to give you a different perspective I asked my friend Max — who is a respected educator and writer of many many recommendation letters for his students — to give me his take on this conundrum.

Max writes:

“I do get gifts, but I like the notes better–I keep them and re-read them when I’m down. I say go for the sincere note. If the grad school guy feels the absolute need to do something tangible, why not take the letter-writers to dinner (something I love–parents invite me out for grad dinners every year and they’re fantastic times)? That makes for a genuine and personal experience without the worries of material representations of gratitude.”

The Dreaded “Dressy Casual”

Dear SP,
Recently, many Bar Mitzvah invitations for evening affairs at nice venues have indicated Dressy Casual. I assumed that was more directed at the children attending where boys would not need to wear suits. I was surprised to see the adults in khakis and polos, women in slacks with a sweater. I am used to seeing people much more dressed up for these events, especially in the city. The problem is this happened in a small town in the Midwest. My question is I have addressed my invitations to a similar party in the same way, Dressy Casual, where I really wanted my adult guests to wear cocktail dresses and sport coats with nice slacks. What can I do now, and what should I have called it originally?

Thanks for your help,

(unsigned) KJ

Dear KJ,

SP loves a Bar Mitzvah. What a great party! My friend Jay’s Bar Mitzvah at the country club was one of the standout events of my adolescence.  Regular readers of this site will recognize a familiar rant here. SP abhors the encroachment of casual into all aspects of life: workplace, airplanes, churches, weddings and now Bar Mitzvahs? I can’t take it. Dress up people. Jesus. It’s one important day in the life of one person. Honestly. What do I have to do to reverse this trend, create a monarchy? It is not so evident in the big cities, but in small towns it seems epidemic. Stay strong, KJ. Do not succumb.

For the record, let’s review the traditional dress codes and my new clarification of the codes and go from there. The common conceptions of dress codes is such a mess that I recently received an invitation to a black tie event that read “Black Tie Formal”  and then the invitation went on to inadvertently insult the guests by explaining what this made-up term meant. “Tuxedos or Dark suits for the men. Gowns or cocktail dresses for the women.” Finally, if you’re ever confused on what the dress code is, do what I do.  Call the host and ask, “What are you wearing?”

The Way it Should Be (and historically always was) See previous post here.

Formal – Means White Tie and this is the only time you would ever wear a white tie.

Semi-Formal (or Black Tie) – Semi-Formal means  Black tie. Whether we call it a dinner suit or Tuxedo, it’s all the same.

Informal –  Means a suit, a tie and the whole nine yards. You could get away with wearing a blazer and khakis as long as the shirt is crisp, clean and collared. No polos.

Casual – although I abhor this term and it shouldn’t even be listed here as we should all be dressing this way anyway, but here goes, Casual means that you don’t have to wear a tie. Simple. It does not mean you can bounce up in a party with shorts and a t-shirt.  Wear khakis or jeans, a good shoe, a belt, a polo, a button-down or sweater and a blazer.

The Way it Is (a reluctant bow to contemporary mores)

Business Formal – means you should wear a serious suit, tie, good shoe et al.
Business Dress – means a suit and a tie or blazer, dress pants or khakis and a good hard shoe.
Business Casual – means a blazer, tie optional, polo or button down, khakis or jeans and a good hard shoe.
Dressy Casual – same as Business Casual. By the way, if there is any word I hate more than “Classy”, it’s “Dressy”.
Cocktail – means a suit and a tie or blazer, dress pants or khakis and a good hard shoe.

So there you have it. People to not know how to dress today so all you can do is hope for the best. But these are the rules and if people fall below expectations, this is their own lapse. Not yours. Keep the faith and dress appropriately.

Introduce Me Please

Dear SP,

If you are coming back from lunch with a co-worker and step onto the elevator to find an old acquaintance, are you required to introduce your co-worker to the old acquaintance in the 25 seconds that you share together on the way to the 6th floor where she works?

(unsigned)  Jacob

Dear Jacob,

I am afraid time is not a factor when it comes to social introductions. Whether it is 25 seconds or 25 minutes, the longer you let two strangers stand together without introduction is the amount of time you have insulted the person who is left out of the conversation. You need not go into your entire bio and recall anecdotes of drunken fraternity parties, but you should give each other’s names. Afterall, you are returning from a lunch date with a co-worker, not merely running into him for a shared ride. The co-worker is your company, the old acquaintance is the new arrival and introductions are called for.

Dodge Ball an Old Acquaintance

Dear SP,

What to do? To cut a long story short, I´d like to know how I would be able to break two long relationships ( we usually talk via phone, but there are always plans for some sort of meetings). My two friends are female and I have known them some 20-30 years. I have a feeling that I have grown out of these relationships; there really is nothing uniting us anymore. I ceased to make contact with them ages ago (I do send a Christmas card though ). I have changed my cellphone number, but then they call my husband and force him to give them my new number. I don´t have anything against them, nor do I have anything in common anymore. What am I supposed to do? I want to go on in my life; not live in past history. Please share some advice.

Regards, Metscan

Dear Metscan,

I feel for you here. As hard as it is to admit, we do grow, move on and change. The friend we once couldn’t live without can easily grow into one whose mere voice sends up crawling up the wall. Experience in life changes everyone and no two people travel the same road at the same time throughout life. But there is no need to hurt anyone’s feelings. You are doing the right thing by distancing yourself. With caller ID it is never necessary to get caught on the phone so you could just ignore the call, but this seems a bit harsh and as well as heartless. Could you not simply save it up and respond with one call a year or bi-annually to catch up? This would satisfy the friends’ needs and you could move on content that you have put distance between your relationships and at the same time not unnecessarily hurt someone’s feelings. Civility requires that we accommodate others’ feelings and comfort. When confronted or caught, you should be cordial. But if you can master the art of avoidance, you won’t have to deal with any of the unpleasantries. Good luck.

No Butts Please

Hello SP,

I have an etiquette question which I cannot find the answer to anywhere. I must be terrible at using Google!

When entering a row of seats, where people are already seated, which way should I face when squeezing past them. Either direction seems equally rude, but I’m sure one is less rude than the other.

Thanks!

Tony

Dear Tony,

This is such a great question and one I’ve never been asked before. You would always face the seated. It’s better to have an awkward smile as you pass than an anonymous butt squeezing by.

Age and Beauty Enter First

Dear SP

Regarding your post on door etiquette…here’s a question: If it’s true that people entering a building should allow those exiting to go before them, what does a guy do when exiting a building as a lady walks in? Which takes precedence: 1) those exiting, first or 2) ladies first?

(unsigned) Sasha

Dear Sasha,

Age and Beauty always take precedence in introductions and in entering and exiting. You would allow a woman or an elder to enter before you exited.