Comments on: To Note or Not to Note

By: John

John — Sat, 09 Jan 2010 01:53:01 +0000

The “rule” according to Emily Post and Amy Vanderbilt, as I understand it, is that one is supposed to write a thank-you note within a few days after one has been an over-night guest in somebody’s house. One is not expected to write a note after a party or a dinner. One’s verbal thanks upon departing is sufficient. My understanding is probably the same as the understanding of most of Reggie’s guests. Those guests are not displaying bad manners.
(unsigned) John

Dear John,
Herein lies the essence of what SP is all about. Emily Post, Amy Vanderbilt (and their glorious ilk) were observing grand old ladies living in grand old houses with a staff that could at times outnumber her guests. Her dinners and parties were grand affairs at which she presided over, checking list, adjusting a vase, tweaking an asparagus. Today’s hosts are of a different breed. Entertaining, while less formal is much more strenuous. Many hosts do not employ staff and this means the work lands squarely on our shoulders. I have spent many a long day preparing for a party only to met by the first guests while still in my work-around-the-house clothes . Throwing parties – good parties, that is — on your own is hard work.

With this I hope to find my point. While the grand ladies of yore could fan themselves on a divan the next day reminiscing on Guinevere dropping her kerchief for Mortimer, today’s hosts spend the next day exhausted and perhaps a little sensitive – did everyone have a good time? Was it a flop? – and deserve a little extra attention. SP is not overly concerned with the antiquated rigors of etiquette (a few exemptions notwithstanding). I am less interested in the proper placement of a fish fork than I am with common sense and generosity. Thank you for writing and allowing me to get this off my chest. Carry on.
Cordially,
SP

By: Reggie

Reggie — Fri, 08 Jan 2010 23:14:51 +0000

Hullo SP:
Thank you for your considered and thoughtful response to my questions as to the nuances of when and how to thank a host, and what a host should reasonably expect in return. These were most nettlesome issues indeed. I enjoyed the set up in your response, it was most amusing. Thank very much for clearing up my confusion!

Best wishes for a speedy recovery from you whirlwind Manhattan visit, I am sure you are most worthy of the feting that you received.

Your humble servant,
Reggie Darling

By: Depressive Syndrome » To Note or Not to Note

Depressive Syndrome » To Note or Not to Note — Fri, 08 Jan 2010 21:05:52 +0000

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By: Modern Traditionalist

Modern Traditionalist — Fri, 08 Jan 2010 19:32:22 +0000

SP – Thank you for clearing this up. I also agree that bringing a gift should never be assumed period. I’ve been to many parties where everyone brings a bottle of wine with no thought as to if it is a wine the host would enjoy or any thought as to whether everybody else will bring the same. I vote for sending thank you flowers or such the following day, along with a note, of course. It helps with inevitable party let down and allows for thorough and uninterrupted enjoyment as it is given post-party. Thoughts?

Love the post and will be linking to it on my blog!