To Note or Not to Note

A reader writes:

Hello SP,
I recently threw a large, catered cocktail party where many of the guests arrived with a thoughtful “hostess gift” — a term my mother used to refer to the bottles of wine, boxes of chocolates, etc., proffered by guests upon arriving at a private party. However, only a minor fraction of my guests contacted me after the party with a thank you call, email, or card, which I find puzzling as most of my friends have what I consider to be good manners.  Do people believe that bringing a hostess gift to a party means that a follow up thank you is no longer thought to be required?  Before I go and get all persnickety about this, did I miss the bulletin that says a bread-and-butter thank you is made redundant by bringing a gift with a gift tag or note?   I don’t always bring a token gift with me to a party, nor do I expect one as a host, but when I’ve attended a private party I always call the next day to thank my host, and I like getting such calls myself.  Am I missing something here?  I am genuinely curious to learn what you think.
Many thanks,
Reggie

Well, Reggie, you’ve hit a big fat nail on the head here and caught SP with his, oh never mind. I do wish it weren’t egregious to mix metaphors. Sometimes they just seem to do the trick. I know, I know, refuge of a lazy mind. Ok, starting over. SP is on business/holiday meanderings in New York for a few weeks and has had the extreme pleasure of being hosted by some very generous friends and acquaintances. There have been a spate of lunches, dinners and drinks parties, not to mention New Year’s Eve thrown in the middle of it all. As one can imagine, there are many thank you notes to write and many calls to make.

It is always best and — as Reggie demonstrates — expected for close friends of the host to call the next day to thank and carry on about what a great party it was last night. The reason for this is thus. A host puts a lot of time and effort into an event, especially one on the scale that is mentioned, and after all that planning and one hopes, all that imbibing and enjoying, one is understandably let down the next day. The adrenalin has gone, the hangover is the body’s new resident and there is a palpable pall in the air. It’s called Post-Party Depression syndrome and it happens to the best of us. You’ve put it all out there and now you are left with an empty shell. And what is the best and only cure for Post-Party Depression? Calls from friends to tell you how great it all was.

Just as good friends are expected to call the next day, acquaintances and new friends are expected to send a note and the note should be sent within a week. There is an old joke about the Southern belle who leaves the thank you note in the mailbox as she leaves a party. But yes, the sooner the better. As you can see by the curtain Reggie has pulled back, the host is waiting.

Now, to both call and to note is a great exception but is always appreciated. I will do this for sure. I try to call the next day, but with life and times, I do sometimes forget. I keep a list of thank you notes in my agenda To Do list and sit down and bang them all out at one time. So you see, I sometimes miss my own one week rule, but I do get them out. Email thank yous seem to be the least personal in this situation, even when the invitation was sent that way. Remember the rule, thank yous are sent in the manner the invitation was received. But nevertheless, an email just seems the least appropriate or appreciated by a host.

As for the hostess gift nullifying the need for a thank you note, well that’s a big fat no. When we are being fetted, especially in someone’s home, you would take a gift if it’s your first visit, and you would always send a note whether it’s the first of fiftieth. See post here on host gifts and see post here on thank you notes.

And one word of warning. The note should arrive on a nice card. It should be legible, well-worded and grammatically correct. I know of many a host who displays the notes on a board for all to see. They are, after all, a proud announcement of the host’s abilities and something to show off.  You don’t want your note to be tossed in to the trash, do you?

SP Recommends: The Pilot Disposable Fountain Pen found here is a marvel when you want a little something fancier for note-writing. This pen gives your notes an old-fashioned flair with a modern twist. At the end of the day, isn’t that all that we want?