Social Primer

Rule 1. Every action done in company ought to be with some sign of respect to those that are present. George Washington

Consider yourself forewarned. SP is channeling Andy Rooney today. After last week’s roundup of memorable Christmas quotes about the reason for the season and all that, SP ventured out into the world only to discover more rudeness in that concentrated week than I had encountered all year long. I don’t know what it is about the holidays but people seem to summon their warrior when they head out into the public domain. It’s as if they dread the thought of it so much they put on a game face and are determined to get in and get out and get it over with like some game show contestant snatching cash falling from the ceiling. Well, there’s only one problem with that strategy and that is this. All those inconvenient people in our way are, well, people. We can’t run over them, push them aside or shove our way through them.

As I navigated the rudeness, I started keeping a list of all the things that really annoyed and jotted them down here. Hey, you know the routine by now. If we don’t get it out, we explode. And who wants to explode? Unless, you are sitting by the lady who ruined a perfectly pleasant Christmas Day movie experience with her constant running narrative to her companion of what was going on onscreen in the movie we were watching. Yes, I wouldn’t have minded a little self-immolation at that moment if I could be guaranteed it would have shut her up.

So here is a list of transgressions in 2009, in no particular order. What with cross-country travel, airport hell, dining out, movie lines and running around during the holidays it was difficult editing down to just these. I am often accused of bloviating, so herewith, I submit without bloviation. Well, perhaps a little.  Please enjoy, commiserate and by all means share your own. Let’s get it out and start 2010 fresh and new. Shall we?

Spread Sunshine Chemicals All Over the Place: Windex on the table. There I was, sitting in an airport café in Atlanta waiting on my three-hour delayed flight to leave having a very pleasant lunch when the table next to me opened up and the hostess swooshed in to clear and clean. She sprayed a heavy mist of Windex which wafted right into my nose replacing the heretofore enjoyable corn chowder taste with an unbearable chemical. I said to her, “that smells awful.” to which she replied, “Oh, I’m sorry.” Points for apology? 5. Deductions for spraying a chemical next to my meal? 25. While not blatantly rude, the action was nonetheless just plain thoughtless.

Yes, We’re Standing Here Because We Love Long Lines: Cutting line at theater, grocery store, or what have you. Christmas Day is movie day and everybody in America has the same thing on their mind. We are all standing there in a one-line queue waiting for one of the little windows to purchase our tickets. As the line inches forward a group of 3 men waltzes right in front of my mother and me to purchase their tickets. I politely informed them that though they seemed awfully important, we all were indeed waiting to buy our tickets as well.  Do you think there was even a hint of apology? Nope. Honestly. As if some of us simply prefer to stand in long lines in cold weather because we have nothing better to do. When there are multiple windows and the establishment has neglected to create a queue, it is up to us, dear humans, to create the queue ourselves.

The Inconsiderate Bird Gets the Worm: Stealing a parking spot. After a little shopping trip, my mother and I returned to our car which was a prime spot very close to the front door of one of those huge box stores. Anyone would want that spot, naturally, and as we were pulling out a woman and her two daughters waited patiently for the spot. Suddenly out of nowhere a little car with two teenage boys whipped into the spot. I parked the car, got out and waited for them. I asked, “Did you not happen to see that lady waiting for this spot?” One of the boys lowered his head in shame and tried to scoot quickly into the store. His impertinent passenger looked at me with a grin and said, “Yeah, we saw her.” Shocked and momentarily stunned, I stood there mouth agape when a lady walked by and said, “He’s a real gentleman, isn’t he?” Regaining my composure, I looked at him and said, “You should be ashamed of yourself.” I hope that he was.

Running Narrative: Talking through a movie. The woman sitting next to me at aforementioned Christmas Day movie began talking at the previews and carried her soliloquy right on through to the credits. Normally in this situation I would just move to another seat, but this being Christmas, the theater was completely packed and an empty seat nowhere to be found. And since you don’t want to ruin your own movie experience by having to sit next to someone you’ve just chastised, I held my tongue. It was a miserable experience. Not only was her commentary audible and continuous, it was dumb. There was a small kernel of revenge though. Afterward, telling my friend about the inane woman sitting next to me talking through the entire movie, said woman walked right by and caught my eye and my words. I hope some small measure of remorse penetrated her thick skull.

Are those Seats Taken? Help a brother find a seat in crowded theater. Entering a crowded theater with unassigned seats in the dark can be a trying experience. I walked up and down the aisles asking, is this seat taken, is that seat taken?  I finally resorted to a blanket announcement. “Are there any single seats left in here?” To which a woman finally raised her hand and pointed to the seat next to her. Is it so difficult to alert someone to an empty seat? Honestly. What are people like? To her credit, the talkative loo loo from above was the same woman who offered her single seat. That’s the real reason I didn’t turn her off during the movie. I felt indebted to her earlier kindness.

Friendly, but not Familiar: Overly familiar waiters. Dining out with my family over Christmas the table was blessed with one of those overly familiar waitresses who wanted to tell us her name, her hometown, ask about ours and in general carry on in an annoying way. I kept my mouth shut for as long as I could take it but after the ordering process stretched into a fifteen minute ordeal, I could hold my tongue no longer. “Can we just get on with it please?” I am all for friendliness but I can’t bear the Hee Haw routine when I am sitting down to dinner. Just take the order, place the order, check on us once or twice and bring the check in a timely manner. I can do without the routine. Remember, all service people should be friendly but not familiar. And the same goes with patrons.

Waiter, There’s a Sculpture in My Soup: Stupid food. When you go out to dinner, don’t you just want to eat? I find it ridiculous when a plate arrives all full of the chef’s frustrated fantasy. Food piled high like a teetering sculpture of Lord knows what is just stupid. You have to take it apart to eat it and then what do you have? A big ugly mess on the plate. I’ll take my art in the museum, thank you. Bring the food plain and delicious and leave the creativity in the kitchen.

These Are My Fancy Sweatpants. A recent spotting in a restaurant of a woman standing in front of me took my notice. Her hair was nicely done, her make-up and jewelry were in just the right proportion and her coat was of a stylish cut. As my eye wandered down, what do you think I saw? Sweatpants. And not fancy sweatpants (ugh) but regular old gray sweatpants. This woman actually took the time and thought to pull together an outfit to head out into the public domain and not only considered, but wore, sweatpants as acceptable public attire. Don’t get me wrong. There is a time and a place for everything but what in the world would make someone think sweatpants were an acceptable form of dress going out for the night? I still can’t get my head around this one.

So that’s the list for now. SP does not advocate public chastising as a rule, but there are times when simply turning the other cheek just won’t do. Yes, the civil thing to do is to ignore the ignorant. We only ruin our own day when we sink to their level. But when the barrage is never ending, a little Guerilla Etiquette is sometimes called for. Or perhaps SP was just having a bad day. Oh, well. All better now. Bring on the new year.

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