Social Primer

SP takes a fair share of heat.  When there is an SP feature in a newspaper’s online version or on a blog, oh Lord do they come for me in the comments section. As you can imagine the fate of anyone who deigns to assess civil behavior, the positions staked on this domain are pretty much sitting ducks for anyone with even questionable aim. In the past, I have never responded to defend myself, but now someone has stomped on my turf and my honor is at stake.  Well, not that dramatic really, but it has given me a nice excuse to set some records straight.

SP was recently quoted in an article on manners. See full story here. I was included in some pretty esteemed company, so there’s that.

Cooper Ray, whose website Social Primer specializes in men’s manners, considers communications that originate at Evite cheap and those from Paperless Post classic. (Both websites allow users to design electronic invitations that are sent via e-mail.) “I also send out a lot of e-mail invitations from my personal account,” he says.

One Thomas P. Farley disagrees. “E-mail is the lazy way out. If you can’t take the trouble to log onto a website and create something with flair that gathers all the tools together that you and your guests will need, then maybe you don’t have the time to throw a party.”

With all due respect, this is, as the Brits say, bollocks. I don’t even know where to begin. Log onto a website and create something with flair? I can’t imagine anything more pedestrian. And as far as having time to throw a party, it’s not about time. It’s about taste. As for not being able to commit to a traditional paper and postaged invitation, perhaps the host would rather spend the extra hundred dollars on booze and food for his guests rather than on invitations and postage as I did for my last event. Times are tough, the earth is green, and email is acceptable in some situations. So while I appreciate and respect another’s point of view, I must disagree.

I wrote here last spring of the decision process in sending out an electronic invitation to an event. It was a stark realization for someone reared on proper invitations, no matter what the nature of the event. But yes, times are changing and we are changing with them.  There are exceptions where — money permitting — you should adhere to the rules and traditions. I’m not so sure I would like to receive a wedding invitation on the emailer machine, but then I would consider the source and the couple, and if it fit them and was not just laziness, I would accept with pleasure.

I have used the comparison before that travelers will not take a cross-country train or bus once they’ve flown over the landscape, price of tickets notwithstanding.  Men won’t return to the formality of uncomfortable clothes once they’ve escaped into casual. A similar point can be made for modes of communication. The ease and speed of email has nearly made extinct the hand-written note in the younger generations. The hand-written note is now consigned to novelty, not necessity, and that is where it will stay. Please don’t misread me here. I am forever a fan of formal invitations and take much delight when one lands in my mailbox. However, if you want to send something out via email and money and time are tight and if the situation allows, it is okay by me. There are much more egregious acts of incivility than this. Being a bad host is at the top of that long list. But that’s another post for another time.

On the other hand, I’ve learned a valuable lesson from a recent SP event which has convinced me that I will always strive first to send a hard invite — as they say in the biz – and not rely solely on email to ensure attendance. First of all, there are many rude people who simply don’t respond to an email. And for the record, these cretins are off my list.  Yet, admittedly, I have been guilty of this act once or twice, but only because of neglect or forgetfulness. It is never intentional or habitual. Well, maybe once in a while it’s intentional. SP does have a pulse and does get slighted and yes, does succumb to petty revenge sometimes.  Oh no, we’ve digressed.

So to wrap it up and drive it all home, SP writes for modern man. How many times do I have to say it? If we want to live in a civil world we must adapt and change while holding on to our ideals. So to say we adjust to the times does not mean that we lose our way. Do you stand when a woman or elder walks into the room? Yes. Is this old-fashioned? Yes. Is it respectful and necessary and relevant today? Yes. Is it proper to send a formal invitation? Yes. Is it necessary and relevant today? No. Herein lies the difference between what SP represents and what some others who travel the same road proclaim. When a rule or tradition leaves simple civility and dips into exclusivity and pretension, then this is not SP.  In spite of what some critics say, SP is not pretentious, not exclusive, not expensive and in the end, not overly concerned with keeping up appearances. The (civil) defense rests.

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