Social Primer

Image courtesy of The Sartorialist

The critics tell me the posts on here have a tendency to wax on too long. Nobody wants to read a blow-hard wordy essay on the emailer machine, they tell me. OK, so this is a long, extra blow-hard lengthy one, but this is an important issue concerning every man in America, and the world. Oh, the sacrifices SP makes….

Growing up in the Deep South, we wore khakis. Definitely in the summer and most of the time in the winter. Jeans were just too hot to wear in the cotton-picking heat. I must have gone the entire seven years of college, er, six years? (SP really loved college) never wearing a pair of jeans. Now, that the scorching heat is not an issue in my everyday life, the opposite is true. I can’t imagine the life without a great pair of jeans. Good “dress jeans” are integral to my uniform, the uniform I wear day and night: Blue blazer, crisp shirt, bow tie or open neck, dark jeans, good belt and vintage Gucci loafers — no socks — for day and lace up brown brogues at night.

I will tell you this; the Uniform is here to stay.  Just as a society will never return to a slower mode of transportation — once you’ve flown in a jet across the country, you are not taking a train or a bus, unless of course you’re on some romantic head trip about crossing the country and seeing it through a big window — men will never leave comfort and casual to return to stiff and formal. The key is making comfort and casual look good. Hence, the uniform and double hence, the triumph of good jeans.

Now another reason–  heat notwithstanding — that men don’t embrace so-called “dress jeans” is the near-impossible and overwhelming choices out there in the jeans market. And this existed long before the explosion of the denim revolution of late when every company has twelve pairs of jeans and the new phenomenon of a million jeans companies. Just take a look at the mind-numbing choices. There’s full, boot-cut, classic, skinny, slim and big boy. There’s Fit: loose in the leg, loose in the seat, tight in the thigh, low on the hip. There are the washes:  dark, medium, light, soft, vintage, worn, acid. Then there’s the crotch rise:  high rise, low rise, mid rise. Oh, and don’t forget button fly, zip fly… damn. I’m exhausted. Is it any wonder we wear one pair of jeans until they fall apart?

One day, SP stumbled upon the perfect pair of jeans and in the tradition of making life easier, here is the answer to your long forgotten prayers. To begin with, every time a friend says to me, I have to get a new pair of jeans there is a tone of resignation in his voice. There is a palpable fear and dread as if he were going to the dentist office for a root canal or the DMV. My response? Just wear Levi’s. Why would a man wear anything else? It’s as simple as that. Isn’t it? I mean, this phenomenon of men walking down the street with patches and swirls of thread doodling all over the back pockets and sometimes heaven forbid, in multiple colored thread! It looks as if Liberace tagged their backsides with graffiti. What the hell is that all about? Men, don’t wear it. Just don’t do it. And you’re paying 150, 250, in some cases 350 dollars to look like a fool? Stop the madness! Get thee to a Levi’s store and retrieve your manhood.

Now this isn’t to say Levi’s makes this any easier. There are a million different styles of jeans for men on their website. So here is where you love SP. I have been in contact with the mucky mucks (no offense) at the big bad Levi’s and I have asked them all the pertinent questions. You see, I found this perfect pair of jeans. It’s true. Cue the trumpets. It is the Levi’s special edition 1967 505. It was issued three years ago. It is slim fit but not too skinny, moderate rise, not too low not too high. And it is stiff and dark. The day I bought them, I put them on, wore them into the shower, then sat in the sun for an hour while they dried on my body. These magic pants molded to my shape and they were perfect. I did not wash these jeans for three years. They fit just right and they became the irreplaceable foundation of the uniform. I loved these jeans.

Well, you can imagine after three years these old friends did begin to smell like a barn, so I decided one day to finally wash them. Don’t be grossed out. These are my dress jeans. I wasn’t out sweating and shoveling manure in them for three years. Anyway, into the washing machine they went, inside out, cold water and no dryer. By the way, it’s the heat not the washing or drying that makes clothes lose their color. Well, they lost their color anyway, and worse, they lost the stiffness that made them so perfect for dressing up. And thus began the new search for their replacement. After hours of sifting through the Levi’s website and days of telephone calls to the company’s insides, I discovered that my beloved 1967 special editions 505’s were no longer available. Oh, heart break. Now for a replacement until Levi’s comes to its senses and re-issues these essential jeans.

Forthwith: The best jeans for men.

According to the very helpful Levi’s spokesman, here’s the skinny: The best  jeans for our purposes are both 501’s and are a bit on the slimmer side (like the 1967 505 that I am obsessed with). They are the 501® Original Jeans – Chipped Rigid and the 501® Original Jeans – Resin Rinse. “Both styles are selvage denim–so are similar in weight and durability. They will take a beating for sure, since selvage denim is such a superior, strong weave. In the case of denim, selvage (or selvedge) refers to denim that is woven on vintage, narrow looms.  The width of these looms yield narrower fabric (width wise) and so it is usually a costlier means of production.  Given the narrow width of the denim, the fabric’s weave is generally tighter and more dense—resulting in a strong, sturdy cloth.” The last jean is the 511 Skinny. According to the spokesman, “this jean looks much slimmer and tighter than it actually is . . . It’s truly a slim leg. And probably the closest to the ‘67 505 fit.” I am not so sure about this one, but I am going to give it a try. It looks very skinny but maybe that’s just a big leg model.

For all of these jeans, the rise is a little high, but you’ll get used to it. You don’t need to be wearing mom jeans. Again, these are your dress up jeans. The trick though is that you have to wear grippies (jockey shorts/tighty whities) because it’s not cool to show your junk in mixed company. Just as a woman doesn’t want to see a man’s feet in sandals (don’t wear them) I am sure she doesn’t want to see your business slung up on one side. I once had a friend about to leave the house in some way too tight pants and he asked me if they were ok to wear in public. I told him it’s never ok to wear something in public that shows your religion, a point to keep in mind in all clothing choices, jeans, pants, shorts or bathing suit.  Keep it private fellas.

Finally, a word about fit. Be sure you get the right size waist and inseam, because we don’t want to see them rolled up. No cuffs please. If you can’t find your inseam size, there are tailors who can make the hems look like factory issue without resorting to rolling them up.

History of Jeans, Levi’s history and more.

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