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How many times do you find yourself in this social (or business) situation? You are standing in a covey of people immersed in a rolling conversation when all at once you realize that you don’t know the names of some of the people you are talking to. There is a queasy feeling of awkwardness rising in your chest and you don’t know how to correct the situation so you ride the roll through to the inevitable conclusion, parting ways without ever knowing who was who. There is an old saying — referring to a gathering in a private house — that says “The roof constitutes an introduction,” meaning you shouldn’t introduce people in a private home. This is predicated on the assumption that the host has done his job and anyone under his roof should already be introduced to one another. This old rule was accepted in the days before the transportation revolution and familial displacement sent us all scurrying and gathering into far flung places. When your mothers were old acquaintances and all families and friends were well-known in a small community, this rule held true, and so it goes today. But we are a long way from cozy community living. We are citizens or the world. Let us always introduce ourselves.
In today’s hurly burly society one must pay extra attention to the small civilities. In the course of a conversation, it is never too late to say your name. But let’s be clear. You should say your name at the outset and expect the same courtesy of those you are meeting. It is always annoying — not to mention ill-mannered — to introduce one person to another without saying both or more of the parties’ names. And that should be first and last names, mind you. This lapse is yet another casualty of the modern age when we neglect to say someone’s first and last name, or worse mumble incoherently over the din in a crowded room. I know what you are thinking, but what if I don’t know their last name when I make the introduction? Let me be clear. It is not rude to ask someone their last name. Get this out of the way right at the beginning. If you’ve been introduced before and you’ve forgotten this is not a crime to ask again. Just don’t make a habit of it. To habitually forget someone’s name, first or last, is the height of incivility, the depth of laziness and in the end, just plain rude.
On the other hand, you should always remind people of your own name and even volunteer a little history of when you met. “I am Robert Hightower. We met at the Wilson’s Christmas Party.” This will assuage any awkwardness brewing inside the person you are greeting. And this person, in kind, should respond, “Of course I remember, Robert. It is so good to see you again.” No matter if this is true or not. The point of good manners is to make people feel at ease. Generosity is always the first rule of the day.
In greeting and introductions, here are some golden rules to live by:
Always say “How do you do?” or “It’s great to see you.” Never say “It’s nice to meet you,” unless you are absolutely positive you have never met before. In fact, you should simply remove this phrase from your social repertoire altogether and always say “It’s nice to see you.”
Never say “Do you remember me?” This puts the other person in the awkward position of saying “No.”
Never announce a person’s vocation in a social introduction. In business, the opposite is true. If the gathering is business and social, then by all means include the vocation.
Finally, never put someone on pause that has come up to you to say hello. If you are so engrossed in a story with Helen Highwater that you feel compelled to ask Jasper Jones to hold while you finish, you should remove Mrs. Highwater to a private room — or go outside — so as not to be interrupted. Or better yet, call her the next day. Put yourself on pause, never Mr. Jones. This incident is far too common and exceedingly rude. On the other hand, Jasper Jones should not interrupt someone who is obviously engrossed in deep, gesticulating conversation. Although gesticulating conversation has no place at a drinks party, some people do engage in such. SP says keep it light and always be open to widening your circle. Isn’t this why you attend these things in the first place?
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this post has 6 comments
I found a typo. First paragraph, second to last line reads, “We are citizens or the world.” However, I believe it should read, “We are citizens OF the world.”
posted on May 6, 2011
Patrick Sheehan
2811
Oh, Lord, I’m terrible with names. I’ve tried everything and the only sure-fire method I know of to remember people (professional or social settings) is to consciously focus on them and associate something I learn about them with their name. duh…
One thing that frustrates me is confusing people with similar names. My brother and I are apart by 6 years, but look very similar to one another. Plus our names are only different by one letter. I’m Ron and he’s Rob. So you can guess that I get called Rob all the time. It used to offend me, but then I realized it’s not malicious, it’s just confusing!
I will admit this though: if someone I know should know my name calls me Rob, I will correct them. That’s not rude, I hope.
RHW
posted on November 24, 2009
RHW
964
[...] Always Say Your Name (@ Social Primer) A simple reminder to introduce yourself when you meet new people. Also has great advice on what to say and not say when you remember a face, but not the name. [...]
posted on November 7, 2009
The Art of Manliness Weekly Round-up: November 7, 2009 | The Art of Manliness
910
I’ve a not so simple first name (let’s not even talk about the last), and I find it really annoying to introduce myself:
me: “Hello my name is Gleb”
they: “Glib?”
me: “Gleb. Gee el ee bee.”
any tips?
Dear Gleb,
First of all, celebrate your differences. Imagine all the John Smiths our there who have to listen to the comments they must receive over their name. Second, we all have our burdens to bear, so buck up and spell it out. Think about it this way, as tiring as it is to repeat and spell your name with every introduction, I imagine yours is a difficult name to forget. Now isn’t this better, this walking on the sunny side of the street?
Cordially,
SP
posted on November 4, 2009
Gleb
896
SO true. What is a person (me) supposed to do when meeting a professional associate for the 2nd time? The first time we met, we had a 45 min in-depth conversation during which she took notes about me and my personal history, and then we connected over the fact that we have a mutual friend/business associate whom she is quite close to and was very excited to know that I knew as well. We emailed several times over the next couple months, and upon our 2nd meeting she introduced herself again – not in a way to avoid any awkwardness on my part, but by stating, after her name, that “it’s so hard when you’re emailing with people and you have no idea who they are – it’s good to finally put a face with your name” Of course, after she said her name (which I knew, but it was good of her to mention again), I responded with, “Yes, we’ve met, so nice to see you again” but she had jumped into her rambling so quickly that the effect was the two of us just talking past each other and me feeling ridiculously uncomfortable that she had no idea who I was despite our already having an established relationship.
posted on October 29, 2009
Katie
875
Dear SP,
But what if the person you are introducing yourself with does not say his last name immediately? I know, you said that it is not rude to ask someone directly for his last name, and even if I do, but he finds himself offended? Say, it’s to private…? What is the correct response and is that “justified”?
Kind regards,
Silvo
Dear Silvo,
I think what’s best in this situation is a gentle prod. “I didn’t catch your last name.” I say this all the time. Especially with foreign or unusual names. I will sometimes even spell it for them to make sure I have it right. If he refuses or says it is private, which I can’t imagine anyone saying, then that will be that.
Cordially,
SP
posted on October 28, 2009
silvestre
873