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Without giving too much away to make this point, SP will attempt this scenario. While watching one of those fascinating/insipid reality show reunions recently, one element stood out so incredibly and has stuck in the craw. What could it be you wonder as those shows by nature run anathema to all we do here on the SP. Yes, forgetting the rude outbursts, name calling, inappropriate tears and far too intimate revelations there was a civil violation that stood out above all the rest. And it was committed by the host! Now you know by now SP holds a host in high regard and to an even higher standard, so this should come as no surprise.
As the host made his greetings and introductions around the confessional sofas, he greeted one of the women with, “You look amazing.” And then went on to the next one and the next one and the next one, never mentioning that these three co-stars looked equally pulled together. Then to insult the injury, he landed on the last one to announce, “You look absolutely gorgeous.” There sat the other three having to listen to how gorgeous the other two were. It was shocking, I tell you. Then the whole shebang proceeded on to an hour-long blood-letting, pride-wounding, confidence-undermining psychotic circus.
Why had these compliments offended? Well, like most of the things we don’t like seeing in others we first recognize in ourselves. Perhaps a shade of Freudian counter-transference? I must admit I have been a frequent employer of this terrible habit. It is always a spontaneous outburst that when I see a beautiful woman incredibly turned out, I want to let her know. I want to say, “You look incredible. Gorgeous. Thank you.” And I have done this often and am afraid to say the outbursts increase with volume and effusion when I am in the cups. Well, it isn’t until I saw this action displayed so vulgarly on the TV screen that I grasped how utterly insulting these assessments can be.
The first and most obvious is the insult to every woman within earshot that you have praised one woman’s appearance over another. Easy. But the less obvious and more demeaning is to the woman receiving the outburst as if she looks particularly good on this occasion with the implication being that she has looked less beautiful on other occasions. Now this is an old-school stretch when strict etiquette demanded what one could and could not say to a woman one knew, forget conversing or complimenting a woman you have never been introduced to. That would have been unthinkable. Oh, but yes, times have changed. We’re much less formal and far more equal these days. This is a hard lesson to learn — admittedly as a Southerner prone to putting women on the (historically misogynistic) pedestal, but let’s try our best to adjust to the times.
So where does this leave us? I can’t imagine any modern woman being insulted by a man commenting on her appearance, but that is one we will have to wait to hear from. Ladies? Let’s hear what you think. As for commenting on one particular woman’s appearance in the company of another women or group is unequivocally in bad taste, lacking decorum and full of all sorts of negative connotations. Don’t do it. Bite your tongue. Tell the woman privately, but not too leeringly or conspiratorially, if you are so moved to comment on her appearance, but never in the presence of others.
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this post has 15 comments
As a Southern woman who enjoys a compliment as much as the next person, I agree that many Southern men are skilled charmers. There’s just one caveat, it must be genuine. Too much hyperbole, loudly spoken with feigned enthusiasm turns a nice gesture into show of self-indulgence. At that point the “compliment” merely becomes a vehicle for the gentleman to show us all just how “charming” he is. I agree with Sarah that in general compliments should be made privately and quietly.
posted on August 9, 2009
Marie
592
As a transplanted Northern gal — now happily living in the South — I just adore charming Southern men! At a recent party, one nattily dressed gentlemen showered all of the ladies with: “Such a gorgeous group of ladies — gentlemen — we are truly blessed with beauty tonight!!” And many years ago — a younger gentlemen was kind to single out my mum (who was 85 years old at the time!) with: “M’am — You look wonderful — just beautiful tonight!” She was glowing all evening! And another young man asked her to dance! She talked about that party for years!
posted on August 5, 2009
jan
576
I agree with a previous comment that there are some occassions (black tie events), where the woman has made an obvious effort to look wonderful and compliments (most notably from her husband or date), are more than warranted and wanted.
On the whole compliments should be made privately and quietly.
As an aside,has anyone else noticed that sales people in clothing stores seem to compliment you on something (i.e. “I love your sweater, shoes etc.), when you enter their stores. It really makes me wonder if this is some kind of ploy. Anyway – that’s an example of a compliment that really doesn’t work.
posted on July 16, 2009
sarah
524
kind of a side note –
as a fellow southerner as well – I love seeing someone’s face light up when a compliment is given. And your post will make me more aware of the social environment when I say “wow, you look especially wonderful!”
but, on to my side note – there is almost a universal response to “Wow, you look especially wonderful” from several of the ladies in my life – it sounds like “Oh, no. I never liked this sweater, but couldn’t find anything else this morning.” or “Thanks, but these shoes are killing me!” or “Really? I don’t like what my hair is doing.”
I wish people, when offered a compliment, could accept it graciously.
Go0d points Tartan,
I also feel it is a bit unseemly for a man to accept a compliment on his appearance. I quiet little thank you is all that is called for.
SP
posted on July 12, 2009
tartanscot
508
I have had it hard in accepting compliments all my life, perhaps due to the way I have been raised. At this certain age, I have finally recognized my deficiency, and am learning to do something about it. Wow, it is difficult, but I try to keep in mind, that if I deny a compliment, it will be rude to the other party too.
posted on July 10, 2009
metscan
505
I enjoy being told that I look smashing. No, I know I’m not a dog but I do like the acknowledgement when I take the pains to really deck myself out. And I don’t consider it implying that I’m not attractive on other days.
If the way it was stated bothers you, perhaps a small change would help. You could always say “You look particularly gorgeous tonight.” the implication there being that you always look gorgeous!
posted on July 9, 2009
Lillian
503
Oh Social Primer! You’ve touched a sensitive nerve! I was out on the town (in my town) with my very beautiful and perfectly coiffed sister-in-law from another state and our two husbands. My favorite waiter at an upscale sushi bar took her hand and said: “Can I just tell you something? I saw you on Friday at the Holiday Inn and you are stunning. And your wedding ring is absolutely incredible!” He then told her husband he is “a lucky man”.
Guess what he said to me? “Oh! I didn’t recognize you without your glasses!” He also commented on my brother-in-law’s clothing and shoes. I had rushed from a business meeting and hadn’t had time to freshen up so was already feeling wilted. The waiter’s comments took the wind right out of my sails. Hearing SP explain that I may have been on the unfortunate receiving end of public flattery makes me feel marginally better. It helps me understand that this is one reason why we have customs and protocol in polite society…to avoid making someone feel horrible!
Thank you!
Ellen
posted on July 9, 2009
Ellen
502
Ahoy from Rhode Island!
I am in violent agreement with you. It is well and proper to make an effort in ones dress, in that it shows respect for others in the same way polite manners do. My grandmother always said, “at the very least, you can be well dressed, Anne.”
That said, I am ever so annoyed by my husband’s compliments, for exactly the reason you describe: I do not want certain outfits or hairstyles singled out as superior, I simply want general approval. I would much prefer to hear “hello, beautiful” on a regular basis than some specific rave on the occasional evening. Is the implication that I should only wear those clothes that illicit hyper-approval, and jettison all others? Likewise, I would prefer to know when my husband dislikes what I’m wearing rather than have to infer that he is less than thrilled when compliments are withheld (he readily admits to this tactic, too).
Fondly,
Anne
p.s. – please do a column on Bruno… I am dying to hear your perspective!
posted on July 9, 2009
Anne
501
Another woman chiming in… First of all, great comments above. I would only add that sincere compliments are wonderful and should never be held back. Even the loveliest woman feels fabulous when complimented. The handful of women who take it the wrong way are suffering from a serious lack of confidence and oh boy, the ones who actually question if your compliment means they usually look bad… such bad form and so sad.
posted on July 9, 2009
Selden
500
I think compliments are always appropriate when it is obvious someone has put forth a special effort into their appearance. For example, at a party or black tie event, I almost always compliment other women on their dresses, jewelry, hair, etc. If there is a whole group of women, I might say something like, “Everyone looks so pretty tonight” or something to that effect, rather than singling out one particular person.
As a side note, I am expecting a baby, and now more than ever, I appreciate a compliment on my appearance. I don’t feel quite the same about my appearance as I did in the past, so even the smallest “you are glowing” makes my day!
posted on July 9, 2009
Sarah
499
SP -
Like you, I am Southerner (and all the good that that connotes). Being always mindful of others, I compliment an entire group – especially the ladies – on their appearance. If the situation arises whereby I can compliment a particular individual as the evening progresses I will do so, but not within earshot of others.
I belong to a respected Southern country club and, after tennis this evening, asked the ladies if they would be offended if I noticed that they took particular pains to dress up for us guys and complimented them on how resplendent they were on said particular evening (“resplendent” could never offend anyone). These fine ladies all said they’d love being noticed and acknowledged. Afterall, that’s why they went to all the trouble. They said that especially in this day and age, far too few of us (guys) appreciate them and what they do to look their best for us. Their dads might have had a different standard – to compliment them on this one night means that they must be inferior on others – but this generation is regrettably different.
Like reality TV, people want to be noticed. If a lady takes the time to get dressed up, etc., while juggling many balls, then by God we should acknowledge her. Afterall, a compliment, well intended could never be offensive.
posted on July 8, 2009
Trey
498
I’m a man, and I try to follow the tack that I think Bunny advocated in her comment: compliment carefully, compliment sparingly, compliment specifically.
Here’s an illustration: this past weekend, I held a compliment about a date’s appearance until we had left her apartment, and her younger sister was out of earshot. At the elevators, I explained what was so attractive about her outfit, and how it flattered her.
posted on July 8, 2009
NSK
496
Hum. As one always charmed by a compliment, I agree that at times it is awkward. If in the presence of just another couple, if the one giving the comment has already sufficiently praised his counterpart, then catastrophe is avoided. (The only potential faux pas is on that of the receiver’s date, if he or she has not already expressed a similar sentiment.) However, in cases like the scenario described above where attention is not (and perhaps can not be) doled equally, I believe praise should be withheld. I’m not sure that a private compliment should be given, no matter how much care is taken, unless there is indeed underlying intent.
posted on July 8, 2009
Elisabeth
495
Logging in as a girl…some thoughts:
When giving compliments on appearance–especially to other women–I try to be specific in my approach. For example, rather than “You look pretty today.”, I will say “I love that blouse–the fit is so flattering and the color looks wonderful on you.” I feel this approach negates the “do I usually look bad” thoughts because you are focusing on one area/object and talking about what makes it great. It’s sort of a “you always look good, but today you look better” approach.
That said, in general, I feel most people, most of the time, are sincere when giving a compliment and the implication that the person receiving the compliment has looked less beautiful on other occasions isn’t even on the person giving the compliment’s mind. What IS rude is when the person receiving the compliment says, “Does that mean I usually look bad?” Obviously, that creates an awkward situation and makes the person giving the compliment regret ever opening their mouth. Just say “Thank you!”
posted on July 8, 2009
Bunny
494
Not a woman but…
I always feel awful because I am constantly forgetting to compliment women when I see them. Regardless of whether or not they look especially fantastic that day (new hair, great outfit, etc) or always look fantastic. And I always feel disingenous when I throw back a “so do you” when someone compliments me.
posted on July 8, 2009
C.Edwards
492