A short while ago I was at a low priced restaurant in South Dakota. The waitress gave the “Hi, I’m Mary and I’ll be your waitress” greeting. Midway through the meal Mary comes to my table embracing another woman whom she introduces with “Hi, this is Sara, she will take over because I have to go home”. To which I responded, “Do you need a ride?” She thanked me and said she had a ride, clearly missing the point of the exchange.

She was happy but I was not. Maybe I need to relax. Thank you for the chance to get a load off my mind. Ann

What an important and timely column. I am often shocked at the number of people who refer to strangers and elders by their first name. Indeed, the times have changed such that I am looked at oddly when I refer to someone as Mr./Ms. X, as if I am the one who is out of touch with social graces. The people you highlight in your column are often the same ones who fail to yield their seat for a lady/elder, or hold a door open.

I appreciate your ongoing efforts to restore dignity and manners to an increasingly self-centered, rude and brusque world.

Sincerely,
Brendan

This is an issue I first ran into when I moved from my native Germany to Ireland a few years ago. My new boss was simply “Neville” to everyone, and every client, contractor and supplier only gave their respective first names over the phone. Especially the handling of clients, who were invariably older than myself and should in any case be handled with extra courtesy, was quite a challenge for me.
Unfortunately the tendency to call everyone by their first names is catching on in Germany now, too… I am hoping there will be a backlash to all this casualness some time in the not too distant future.

Sincerely,
James

Dear Reader,
I have to admit that I have completely grown used to the Ms. I know the terms connotations were not always pleasing to some women, but I like to think we are past all that. I have no qualms about asking for Ms. Smith and I don’t think you should either. It helps if you drawl it out a bit and then the word can pass for Ms. Miss or Mrs. If the lady is offended or wishes you to call her something else, she will let you know. But your choice to say Jane Smith is entirely appropriate as well.
Cordially,
SP

As a recruiter for a consulting firm I speak to a large majority of candidates on the phone before they ever come into our office. I would very much like to refer to the applicants as Mr. & Mrs; or Ms., but many of them have foreign names of ambiguous gender (I, myself am frequently referred to as Ms). In these cases, when sending an email or calling a candidate on the telephone (I’m never sure if the person answering is the candidate in question), I simply use the first and last name with no title.

Is there anyway to get around this? What is the proper way to correct someone when they make this mistake with me, and if I do mistakenly refer to someone as a Mr or a Ms. what is the correct response?

Cordially,
Claude

Dear Claude,
Using a person’s full name in business is always appropriate until you learn — or discern — their gender. As for correcting someone who calls you Ms., just respond with a laugh. “I get that all the the time. This Claude happens to be male.” Correcting mistakes early is crucial. And should be done politely and with ample charm. Thank you for writing.
Cordially,
SP

Sometimes I’ll follow with, “I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your last name” (when they obviously didn’t offer it.) Is this OK, SP?

Dear Elisabeth,
You are handling this situation with aplomb, exactly as I would in the same situation.

Cordially,
SP

This is a subject upon which I would like to wax, as well. Several years
ago, my mother received a form letter from the local Jaguar dealer. It
began: “Dear Elisabeth”. I was rather taken a back and I called the
dealership and lodged a complaint; which was met with kind sympathy.
I think all the casualness, in every area of life is way over the top. And
though it may be off your main topic, I hope you will print my list of
casual behavior that I wish would disappear forever: Using first names
without permission. I even call younger people “Sir” or “Ma’am” if I
don’t know them. As for other over done casual items: Pregnant
ladies, please keep the belly covered at all times
with a style of loose garment or one-piece swim suit.

And while on the subject of babies and toddlers….
Dear Parents, please leave them at home with a sitter when you
go to the movies, a nice, elegant restaurant or resort which touts
itself as “serene” “peaceful” and “romantic”.

Then there is the fad that should have died years ago: Ripped up
jeans. How stupid people look in them. Ladies, again, are more
the culprits than men. A related subject: Casual Friday. That’s OK
but so many people don’t know when to put the brakes on. And at
the theater a few weeks ago and the way 95% of the people were dressed, was
appalling. One might think that this is a generational thing with the
younger people being too underdressed, but this evening, it was
awful dressing across the age spectrum. Also the very few who
were appropriately dressed for an evening at the theater were
old, middle aged and young.

And while we are at it, could the words “Awesome” and “Amazing”
be purged from the language for a ten-year rest? There are plenty
of other fine adjectives one can use. Let’s get out those dictionaries
and thesauruses and find other words of praise; just for a while.

I know I’ve strayed from your original topic but I see it as part and
parcel of a larger malady of society. There are lots of other annoying
and tacky items which people seem all too eager to allow. Naturally
the liberal use of ugly swear words, comes to mind……

Most Cordially,
Cat

Dear Cat,
My that is a long list of grievances (and I only lightly edited for space.) I think perhaps you might want to start a blog. Your rant ability rivals SP’s own.
Cordially,
SP

What would you do if the party one addresses as, “Mister,” never offers (or is not familiar with offering, or even thinks about offering) you to call them by their first name?

I’ve been in one long and awkward situation with an employer where – while everyone else in the office called him by his first name – he never asked me to call him by that name, nor did he reciprocate when I told him to call me by my first name. As a result, for the duration of my employment, I always called him, “Mister.”

In other words, I guess my question is: how does one act civilized in an uncivilized society?

Sincerely,

MDB

Dear MDB,
I am going to assume that the employer was older than you and if this is the case, you would go on calling him Mister indefinitely, what others do be damned. I once worked for for a grande dame founder of a rather famous company and I although I am long gone seven years now from that employment still refer to her as Mrs. It is right.
Cordially,
SP

Dear Gentleman Mac,
Generally titles are included in an introduction. The Mister of the others who are not doctors would be given. The same would be true with clergy and government officials.
Cordially,
SP