0
How many times do you receive a telephone call that goes something like this? Or perhaps you are guilty of this sin as well. Caller: “Hello. Is Cooper there?” My response: “Are you a friend of Mr. Ray’s? No? Then why would you use his first name?”
Is there anything more annoying than to receive a marketing call – or any of the other myriad reasons that people call you on the telephone — and to have the impertinent caller address you by your first name? It is the height of rudeness and immediately disqualifies the purpose of the call. Whenever calling someone that you do not know — socially or in business — one should never use a person’s first name unless — and until — given permission by said person to do so.
I know the other side of this equation. This is a causal world we live in now and we might feel a bit stiff or formal asking for Mr. Smith or even being referred to ourselves as Mister. But it is right. You know how I bemoan the lack of many transgressions but this one is particularly galling. I don’t care if it’s a marketing call or a bill collector; everyone should be given the respect of his surname. If you are the receiver and don’t wish to be referred to as Mister it is then your opportunity at the time of the call to correct the caller and inform him to call you John, but not until you have given permission. If you are the caller and after a few minutes you sense the person is of your generation and you feel a bit stiff saying Mister to a contemporary, you may ask him, “May I call you John?” On the other side, you would never refer to yourself as Mister Smith, as in this is Mr. Smith calling for Mr. Jones. No, here you would use your full name instead. In person, writing or telephone, a man never refers to himself as Mister.
Now two examples of erring on the other side of the fence. Once I was at a very fancy black tie gathering and had the honor and pleasure of being seated next to a grand old dame of a very certain age, whom I know casually by acquaintance through her nephew. After referring to her as Mrs. Grand a couple of times, she politely informed me to please call her Judy. The Southerner in me would not allow it. I stumbled with Miss Judy which seemed too casual and could not, can still not, bring myself to call this great lady by her first name. I told her as such. “Mrs. Grand, I find it very difficult to call you anything other than Mrs. Grand.” She politely, but firmly replied, “Do please try.”
Another old family friend whom I’ve known for years and grew up calling Mister James presented a similar dimemma. We became friends after I graduated from college when he instructed me to use his first name. I have spent many a scotch-soaked summer evening on his front porch and even after many years I still cannot bring myself to call him by his first name, which I know is ridiculous and at this point almost rude to insist on doing something he has asked and given permission to do. How do I manage? Well, in his presence I call him by his initials. It seems less formal, more personable yet still not so familiar as calling his name. When I mention him to others, I still use Mister James.
What’s all this fuss about? A man’s name is sacred. You should use it. And be proud of your own. Always introduce yourself using your first and last name. Now don’t think I expect you to stand there at a party with a Budweiser in one hand and extending a formal hello at every event you go to. Rules are more relaxed obviously when we are with our contemporaries. But you would indeed extend the courtesy and offer this respect if you met one of your friends’ fathers. My main beef is with impertinent telephone solicitors, but as with most of the rants here, took advantage of the opportunity to wax on. Thank you for indulging.
advertisement
Loading ...
this post has 9 comments
Wonderful advice well stated and robust. I have a small irritation to add. Restaurants in which the wait staff introduce themselves. “Hi, my name is Steve and I’ll be your waiter tonight”. Now I am 74 years old and do not want to develop a new friendship with Steven. These people are instructed to do this so I can’t possibly help them observe proper social behavior.
A short while ago I was at a low priced restaurant in South Dakota. The waitress gave the “Hi, I’m Mary and I’ll be your waitress” greeting. Midway through the meal Mary comes to my table embracing another woman whom she introduces with “Hi, this is Sara, she will take over because I have to go home”. To which I responded, “Do you need a ride?” She thanked me and said she had a ride, clearly missing the point of the exchange.
She was happy but I was not. Maybe I need to relax. Thank you for the chance to get a load off my mind. Ann
posted on September 9, 2009
Dr. Orr
693
Dear SP,
What an important and timely column. I am often shocked at the number of people who refer to strangers and elders by their first name. Indeed, the times have changed such that I am looked at oddly when I refer to someone as Mr./Ms. X, as if I am the one who is out of touch with social graces. The people you highlight in your column are often the same ones who fail to yield their seat for a lady/elder, or hold a door open.
I appreciate your ongoing efforts to restore dignity and manners to an increasingly self-centered, rude and brusque world.
Sincerely,
Brendan
posted on August 2, 2009
Brendan
566
Dear SP,
This is an issue I first ran into when I moved from my native Germany to Ireland a few years ago. My new boss was simply “Neville” to everyone, and every client, contractor and supplier only gave their respective first names over the phone. Especially the handling of clients, who were invariably older than myself and should in any case be handled with extra courtesy, was quite a challenge for me.
Unfortunately the tendency to call everyone by their first names is catching on in Germany now, too… I am hoping there will be a backlash to all this casualness some time in the not too distant future.
Sincerely,
James
posted on July 31, 2009
James Abend
560
The subject of “Mr.” has been well dealt with here, but for those of us who cringe at the use of the generic “Ms”, there is the question of how to address a woman when her marital status is unknown. How should I handle this when I return a voice mail from a woman? I have no way of knowing if “Mrs.” or “Miss” is correct, and most women I know are not at all pleased about being called “Ms.”. I will have to confess to taking the easy way out and saying “This is (my first and last name, and my company), may I please speak to (the woman’s first and last name)?”
(Unsigned)
Dear Reader,
I have to admit that I have completely grown used to the Ms. I know the terms connotations were not always pleasing to some women, but I like to think we are past all that. I have no qualms about asking for Ms. Smith and I don’t think you should either. It helps if you drawl it out a bit and then the word can pass for Ms. Miss or Mrs. If the lady is offended or wishes you to call her something else, she will let you know. But your choice to say Jane Smith is entirely appropriate as well.
Cordially,
SP
posted on July 30, 2009
Stephen Clay McGehee
558
Dear SP,
As a recruiter for a consulting firm I speak to a large majority of candidates on the phone before they ever come into our office. I would very much like to refer to the applicants as Mr. & Mrs; or Ms., but many of them have foreign names of ambiguous gender (I, myself am frequently referred to as Ms). In these cases, when sending an email or calling a candidate on the telephone (I’m never sure if the person answering is the candidate in question), I simply use the first and last name with no title.
Is there anyway to get around this? What is the proper way to correct someone when they make this mistake with me, and if I do mistakenly refer to someone as a Mr or a Ms. what is the correct response?
Cordially,
Claude
Dear Claude,
Using a person’s full name in business is always appropriate until you learn — or discern — their gender. As for correcting someone who calls you Ms., just respond with a laugh. “I get that all the the time. This Claude happens to be male.” Correcting mistakes early is crucial. And should be done politely and with ample charm. Thank you for writing.
Cordially,
SP
posted on July 30, 2009
C.Edwards
557
It drives me nuts when someone introduces themselves to me and only gives their first name. There are a myriad of reasons why you need to know both given and sur names, not the least of which you’ve explained here.
Sometimes I’ll follow with, “I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your last name” (when they obviously didn’t offer it.) Is this OK, SP?
Dear Elisabeth,
You are handling this situation with aplomb, exactly as I would in the same situation.
Cordially,
SP
posted on July 30, 2009
Elisabeth
555
Dear SP;
This is a subject upon which I would like to wax, as well. Several years
ago, my mother received a form letter from the local Jaguar dealer. It
began: “Dear Elisabeth”. I was rather taken a back and I called the
dealership and lodged a complaint; which was met with kind sympathy.
I think all the casualness, in every area of life is way over the top. And
though it may be off your main topic, I hope you will print my list of
casual behavior that I wish would disappear forever: Using first names
without permission. I even call younger people “Sir” or “Ma’am” if I
don’t know them. As for other over done casual items: Pregnant
ladies, please keep the belly covered at all times
with a style of loose garment or one-piece swim suit.
And while on the subject of babies and toddlers….
Dear Parents, please leave them at home with a sitter when you
go to the movies, a nice, elegant restaurant or resort which touts
itself as “serene” “peaceful” and “romantic”.
Then there is the fad that should have died years ago: Ripped up
jeans. How stupid people look in them. Ladies, again, are more
the culprits than men. A related subject: Casual Friday. That’s OK
but so many people don’t know when to put the brakes on. And at
the theater a few weeks ago and the way 95% of the people were dressed, was
appalling. One might think that this is a generational thing with the
younger people being too underdressed, but this evening, it was
awful dressing across the age spectrum. Also the very few who
were appropriately dressed for an evening at the theater were
old, middle aged and young.
And while we are at it, could the words “Awesome” and “Amazing”
be purged from the language for a ten-year rest? There are plenty
of other fine adjectives one can use. Let’s get out those dictionaries
and thesauruses and find other words of praise; just for a while.
I know I’ve strayed from your original topic but I see it as part and
parcel of a larger malady of society. There are lots of other annoying
and tacky items which people seem all too eager to allow. Naturally
the liberal use of ugly swear words, comes to mind……
Most Cordially,
Cat
Dear Cat,
My that is a long list of grievances (and I only lightly edited for space.) I think perhaps you might want to start a blog. Your rant ability rivals SP’s own.
Cordially,
SP
posted on July 29, 2009
Cat
554
Dear SP:
What would you do if the party one addresses as, “Mister,” never offers (or is not familiar with offering, or even thinks about offering) you to call them by their first name?
I’ve been in one long and awkward situation with an employer where – while everyone else in the office called him by his first name – he never asked me to call him by that name, nor did he reciprocate when I told him to call me by my first name. As a result, for the duration of my employment, I always called him, “Mister.”
In other words, I guess my question is: how does one act civilized in an uncivilized society?
Sincerely,
MDB
Dear MDB,
I am going to assume that the employer was older than you and if this is the case, you would go on calling him Mister indefinitely, what others do be damned. I once worked for for a grande dame founder of a rather famous company and I although I am long gone seven years now from that employment still refer to her as Mrs. It is right.
Cordially,
SP
posted on July 29, 2009
MDB
553
SP, what about introducing others at a social gathering that are not a Mister but a Doctor? Do you say “This is John Smith” or “This is Dr. John Smith,” particularly when others have not been introduced with a title?
Dear Gentleman Mac,
Generally titles are included in an introduction. The Mister of the others who are not doctors would be given. The same would be true with clergy and government officials.
Cordially,
SP
posted on July 29, 2009
Gentleman Mac
551