Social Primer

In a world of relaxed morals and lost traditions you may think this one a little obsolete, but SP is here to tell you that this is important. There is nothing more insulting than to be introduced to a man who is a peer and the cad refusing to stand to shake your hand. A man NEVER shakes hands sitting down. Never. Simple to say, simple to do. For the record, a man never reaches to shake a woman’s hand. If she offers, he certainly takes her hand but he does not initiate. Instead he politely nods his head in acknowledgement of the introduction. This is an old rule and one that can be difficult to maneuver in the modern world. If a woman in society or business extends her hand, you would surely take it, but the rule of civility is that a man would not aggressively reach for a woman. Perhaps this old rule applies only to women of a certain age and SP is admittedly a little old-fashioned. But this is correct and I digress.

On the rare occasion that a man can not offer his hand for you to shake or is out of reach, you would nod in his direction to acknowledge the greeting. Out of respect, younger men should wait for an older man to extend his hand. If you are seated in a tight booth in a restaurant and rising to your feet would send the dinner plates flying, then rise slightly and, if in reach, shake the offered hand. Otherwise, nod in the gentleman’s direction and shake his hand when space and time allow. The situation just mentioned notwithstanding, I can think of no situation where a man of your own generation would not offer his hand to shake but alas, there are ill-bred rogues whom you will encounter in your journey and in your role as gentleman you will let it pass without comment, if not un-observed.

Another annoying transgression — but no less ill-mannered — is the occurrence of a woman approaching a table and the men seated at that table not rising to greet her. For the record, here are the rules. I realize in this world of casual dinners and liberation it can seem awkward or nerdy to rise from table when a woman approaches but it is correct and right. A man stands when the woman seated to his right stands to leave and when she returns. Nowadays few people adhere to the one-man-for-every-woman rule at table. In this case, you would rise for the woman next to you whether she is seated on the left or the right. You need not stand when the woman across from you stands. That is her dinner partner’s duty. When the lady rises or returns, the gentleman holds her chair and guides it under her. Admittedly, I have been in situations when a woman is coming and going so often I can hardly make it through the meal or carry on a conversation tending to her, but nevertheless, it is right. It is the role of the gentleman in civilization and it is our small burden to bear. Now, God forbid, you are seated next to a party girl who is constantly popping up from the table to powder her nose with no regard for the company at the table, but again it is the right thing to do. Her ill manners are no excuse to relax your own. To that end, ladies, pay attention here. If you approach a table of gentlemen and you plan on lingering, do not allow the men to stand waiting for you to sit or move on. A gentle statement will set everything right. “Please take your seats, gentlemen,” or a “Please don’t get up,” is all that is required and the gentlemen will be relieved and oblige.

This post originally ran on September 30, 2008 and is represented here by popular demand.

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