Down Market Dinner: Check? Please!

Two recent queries from readers seem to have hit a few nerves when it comes to dining out these days.

Dear SP,
The recent economic times have created some manner situations which have me flummoxed. Specifically, I lost my job to “downsizing” and … have, on several occasions, been dining with friends who then attempted to pay for my meal. While I know they are exhibiting kindness, I felt slightly uncomfortable. I always say “that’s not necessary”, then “thank you” when they insist, because I do think it rude to belabor the point. Is there a better way to handle this situation? Is it appropriate when asked to dine with a friend or family member to request a reasonably-priced venue?
Best,
J
and here from the other end of the spectrum…

Dear SP,
It has occurred to many of us in several cities who share the same friend that said friend has a very bad and distasteful habit. He has a tendency to order expensive wines and champagnes and never wishes to pay for them. He is a very well to do, middle aged professional with impeccable taste. However, through our “six degrees of separation” conversation of recent, we have found him to have acted in this manner often, and will all of us; the same pattern set. We all would like to maintain a relationship with him but would like to address said behavior. For someone who particularly prides himself on his attire, the way in which he travels and dines, as well as owning homes with, according to him, THE address in LA, Manhattan, the Hamptons and Paris, it is inexcusable. We have thought about all just ordering cocktails or wine by the glass and no wine or asking the restaurant for separate checks. However, all are foodies (though many do not drink or are not wine aficionados to the tune of 200.00 plus bottles of wine) and usually gather in very nice places. It would be most awkward and embarrassing to ask for separate checks. We have thought an anonymous note might be in order, but that seems dishonorable. Your thoughts are appreciated.
Warmest Regards,
T

SP knows well the highs and certainly the lows of keeping up the appearances of a man about town. Fortunes can ebb and flow like the tides in July under a full Buck Moon. When the tide is high, SP can be generous to a fault. When low tide ebbs, as needy — and in turn as grateful — as a Dickens’ character. This admission is proffered to prove my bona fides on the subject below. The discussion to follow is in regard to the event of dining out in a restaurant and distinguishes between dinners made up of new or near acquaintances (whether at social or business dinners) and those comprised of good, old friends. When one makes arrangements with good, old friends, one should be able to speak freely and honestly with regard to where we are on the balance sheet.

When SP first made the big move to the bright lights — struggling as a writer and making the best of the fraying ends — money was as tight as a vise and dining out was not prudent. Since I was new to town, friends were few and far between. I made dinner at home, if I made dinner at all. One day an old friend called to say she was in town for one night only and asked if I would join her for dinner at the Fancy Pants Restaurant of the Moment. I very much wanted to see this old friend and although I knew the restaurant’s reputation as pricey beyond my means, decided to go anyway and just order a drink. To my surprise, the table was full of eight women carrying on and having a grand old time. Well, a couple of hours, many appetizers and a few bottles of very expensive champagne later, the check came and all were expected to pitch in equally. For my part, I did not drink the champagne and only nibbled the apps. I should also say that being the only man at the table added greatly to my discomfort. My upbringing states that men (or the man) pick up the tab when it arrives. My friend insisted that she had invited me and that all the ladies present would pay their own way. This was a relief to say the least, but the share I was expected to pay was equal to a month’s worth of groceries. I knew I had made a big mistake. My ignorance and pride had done me in. This old friend would have certainly understood had I pulled her aside during the dinner and told her I could only contribute say 50 dollars. Or better yet, I should have confided to her beforehand the facts of my situation. Pride, oh it does come before the fall. I paid my share of the bill and was insolvent the rest of the month.

So now here — a few years later and a few dollars wiser — are the rules.

Who Pays: When you invite someone for the purpose of getting to know them socially, a business connection or a special celebration, the inviter is expected to pay. When friends gather at a table and you wish to order something that the entire table is invited to partake in — an expensive bottle of wine or champagne for instance — and do not intend to pay for all of it yourself, you should query those at the table to see who will partake. In this query you will discover who is contributing to the payment of such. And let’s be sure to distinguish between the question, “Does anyone want red wine?” and “Does anyone want to taste the ‘64 Chateau Lafite Rothschild?”

Cheap & Cheerful. When making dinner plans with a friend, it is never rude or inappropriate — if you are expected to pay — that you would request an affordable alternative. Cheap and cheerful is the order of the day. On the other hand, if someone has invited you and it is clear they are picking up the tab, then you of course have no say in the matter and should go ahead and enjoy your expensive meal with relish.

Accept with Grace. It is difficult to be the pauper among the princes. It is absolutely alright to accept a friend’s generosity, just try not to make a habit of it. If someone offers to pick up the tab, this should be determined beforehand. Do not order anything too extravagant; you should order as if you were paying for it yourself.

Just Drinks. Another tale (does it seem SP is full of it today?) One summer I was working in a resort town that also included many friends who summered there as well. These friends would go to fancy dinners two and three times a week and would always extend an invitation to join. I would ask if it would be okay to join the party for a post-dinner drink as I already have an earlier engagement. This way, one can still enjoy the company of friends and not lose the rent money at a dinner table as if it were a bad night of poker.

Split the Bill. As for asking to split the bill it is absolutely acceptable, especially these days. Take charge of the table if you see people hemming and hawing over picking up the bill. Look it over, determine if the gratuity is included, if not, add 20% and split it by the number of guests at the table. Every cell phone has a calculator these days so a discreet little under the table accounting is all that is called for. Discreetly tell the guests the dinner comes to 35.00 each including tip. And be done with it. No discomfort, no pride or hurt feelings, just business-like. A couple pays two portions, of course. Now there are a few exceptions. Young boys or girls, as well as older ladies come immediately to mind as guests who would not be expected to pay. Remember the distinctions here. We are talking about dinners with friends where you feel comfortable and know each other.

Garotting the Grifter. As for Mister Champagne Taste in the query from the reader above, this seems to be quite a well-played routine he’s pulling from coast to coast. Speak up, church mouse! Are you so impressed with this charlatan that you let him swoop in on his multi-city tour and take advantage of you and your friends? A point I like to make often when it comes to confrontation, is to weigh what you will lose if you offend him. Is his conversation so stimulating and his company so entertaining that your life would be duller if he took offense and never called you again? If the answer is yes, then perhaps the high dinner bill is your admission to his show. If not, speak up. But do not send an anonymous note. That is cowardly and cold.

One last personal side note to tonight’s dinner companions: Don’t worry. SP will pay his own way this evening.