Comments on: Destination: Single http://www.socialprimer.com/2009/05/destination-single/ Manners, Conversation, Style & Handling Your Liquor Wed, 28 Jul 2010 04:42:14 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0 By: D http://www.socialprimer.com/2009/05/destination-single/comment-page-1/#comment-261 D Thu, 04 Jun 2009 04:48:58 +0000 http://new.socialprimer.com/?p=1010#comment-261 Hello! You state in your last post - “Singles are often not considered in the preparations and parties. Often at dinner parties and weddings, singles are discounted or at the very least, last minute additions.” I am one of those singles – an attractive 50-something who has remained slender and exercises faithfully (that’s one way to kill a few evening hours); who listens to the radio for stock market reports, NPR interviews, who watches religiously the History Channel, Discovery, National Geographic, and French foreign films to keep my language skills (not fluent, but advanced). I am an accomplished jazz and Latin guitarist and singer, and performed professionally for many years – though now earn my living in the corporate world. I read world news reports, and about 7-10 non-fiction books each year. I have developed a self-deprecating sense of humor, and am always on the lookout for silliness and light-heartedness in people. I was married once, have a beautiful, intelligent, laughing offspring who thrills me daily with unrestrained glee. The men I have dated feel uncomfortable with my desire not to drink, though I did for many years, and don’t mind at all if they imbibe. I am rarely invited to events – I have tried being myself, a tad goofy and entertaining (as you have suggested) – and when that is met with too many cold stares from wives, I pedal backwards and am quiet – waiting until questioned about something before speaking. To keep from going nuts, I join many singles groups whose cause I support (Sierra Club, French clubs, church, etc.), and while I have no real interest in remarrying, I pretty much am never invited to dinners, etc. I have hosted several dinners, however, and have to scurry around for a date, so that I won’t look so strange. I wish more people would think about Single People. We do have interesting stories to tell. We can spice things up at a party if for no other reason than it gives people the opportunity to guess whether or not you’ve become gay. What suggestions can you give me for not feeling so left out? Signed, C Dear C, First of all, you sound like a delightful dinner partner and my first thought is that perhaps the company you are keeping is not worthy of you. That said, new social groups are not the easiest thing to find, but the quest is not impossible. Keep your eyes and your mind open to new possibilities as they present themselves. Take a chance and seek new people. When we attend new places with new people it is always wise to guage the room before jumping in and offering full frontal personality. It is the wise guest who reads the room, the guests, the tone, and responds accordingly. If this is your routine, you should fit in fine. It doesn’t hurt to save a little personality for the next gathering. Always leave them wanting more. As for being invited places, the first rule is to take the initiative and do the inviting yourself. Host your own dinner parties and drinks parties and invite the intersting people you like. Don’t invite people you think you should invite, but rather the guests you want to invite. Then, by order of social obligation, you should be invited to their events. If, by some chance the expected invitation does not arrive, chalk it up to bad chemistry and move on. There are many ways to skin the social cat. And there are many people who will appreciate your brand of goofy. Cordially, SP Hello!

You state in your last post – “Singles are often not considered in the preparations and parties. Often at dinner parties and weddings, singles are discounted or at the very least, last minute additions.”

I am one of those singles – an attractive 50-something who has remained slender and exercises faithfully (that’s one way to kill a few evening hours); who listens to the radio for stock market reports, NPR interviews, who watches religiously the History Channel, Discovery, National Geographic, and French foreign films to keep my language skills (not fluent, but advanced). I am an accomplished jazz and Latin guitarist and singer, and performed professionally for many years – though now earn my living in the corporate world. I read world news reports, and about 7-10 non-fiction books each year. I have developed a self-deprecating sense of humor, and am always on the lookout for silliness and light-heartedness in people. I was married once, have a beautiful, intelligent, laughing offspring who thrills me daily with unrestrained glee. The men I have dated feel uncomfortable with my desire not to drink, though I did for many years, and don’t mind at all if they imbibe.

I am rarely invited to events – I have tried being myself, a tad goofy and entertaining (as you have suggested) – and when that is met with too many cold stares from wives, I pedal backwards and am quiet – waiting until questioned about something before speaking. To keep from going nuts, I join many singles groups whose cause I support (Sierra Club, French clubs, church, etc.), and while I have no real interest in remarrying, I pretty much am never invited to dinners, etc. I have hosted several dinners, however, and have to scurry around for a date, so that I won’t look so strange.

I wish more people would think about Single People. We do have interesting stories to tell. We can spice things up at a party if for no other reason than it gives people the opportunity to guess whether or not you’ve become gay. What suggestions can you give me for not feeling so left out?

Signed,
C

Dear C,
First of all, you sound like a delightful dinner partner and my first thought is that perhaps the company you are keeping is not worthy of you. That said, new social groups are not the easiest thing to find, but the quest is not impossible. Keep your eyes and your mind open to new possibilities as they present themselves. Take a chance and seek new people. When we attend new places with new people it is always wise to guage the room before jumping in and offering full frontal personality. It is the wise guest who reads the room, the guests, the tone, and responds accordingly. If this is your routine, you should fit in fine. It doesn’t hurt to save a little personality for the next gathering. Always leave them wanting more.

As for being invited places, the first rule is to take the initiative and do the inviting yourself. Host your own dinner parties and drinks parties and invite the intersting people you like. Don’t invite people you think you should invite, but rather the guests you want to invite. Then, by order of social obligation, you should be invited to their events. If, by some chance the expected invitation does not arrive, chalk it up to bad chemistry and move on. There are many ways to skin the social cat. And there are many people who will appreciate your brand of goofy.
Cordially,
SP

]]> By: Cat http://www.socialprimer.com/2009/05/destination-single/comment-page-1/#comment-260 Cat Thu, 04 Jun 2009 04:40:49 +0000 http://new.socialprimer.com/?p=1010#comment-260 “D”, seems to be stuck in a bygone world where women have to wait to be invited and have to be on a man’s arm to have value. As she says she is 50-something, she should know that single is just as acceptable as being part of a couple. I’ve never been married and have never felt “out of it” because I never have associated with people who think the only way to be is in a couple. One thing I do know. In the world of couples, the woman runs the social life of the couple (family) and therefore, if you and your spouse have been even very long time friends; if you get divorced, the man will continue to be invited to parties but the ex-wife will not. Whether they want to admit it or not, women are afraid you will steal their hubbies. That’s why D’s “goofy” personality met with cold stares. I number couples, gay and straight, among my friends but I’d say most of my friends are gay men in a couple situation. These are men who share my interests in opera, travel and fashion. But I’d say, especially for a middle aged single woman, find friends of any persuasion, who share your interests. Get away from the corporate world, which is usually stodgy and usually stuck in that mommy and daddy with kiddies world. That’s fine but not for everybody. Fortunately, in this day and age, being single is not a diminished state and there are more of us than ever. Enjoy the freedom. With Best Regards, Cat “D”, seems to be stuck in a bygone world where women have to
wait to be invited and have to be on a man’s arm to have value.
As she says she is 50-something, she should know that single is
just as acceptable as being part of a couple. I’ve never been married and have never felt “out of it” because I never have
associated with people who think the only way to be is in a couple.

One thing I do know. In the world of couples, the woman runs the
social life of the couple (family) and therefore, if you and your spouse have been even very long time friends; if you get divorced, the man will continue to be invited to parties but the
ex-wife will not. Whether they want to admit it or not, women
are afraid you will steal their hubbies. That’s why D’s “goofy”
personality met with cold stares.

I number couples, gay and straight, among my friends but I’d
say most of my friends are gay men in a couple situation. These
are men who share my interests in opera, travel and fashion.

But I’d say, especially for a middle aged single woman, find
friends of any persuasion, who share your interests. Get away
from the corporate world, which is usually stodgy and usually
stuck in that mommy and daddy with kiddies world. That’s fine
but not for everybody. Fortunately, in this day and age, being
single is not a diminished state and there are more of us than
ever. Enjoy the freedom.

With Best Regards,

Cat

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