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A reader writes:
Dear SP;
I am inviting about 30 people to one of those “zero” birthdays in an exotic locale two years from now. I am offering lodging and most meals. I am also offering a two-night side trip. I have already sent the first “Save-The-Date” notice. Some of the guests are couples and some are singles. My dilemma is that I do not want the single invitees to bring anyone. I know that if one receives an invitation addressed to “Mr. John Jones and Guest” that means one is invited to bring a guest with them. But if the invitation is just addressed to “Mr. John Jones” it means that only Mr. Jones is expected. I am reasonably sure that my friends are aware of this convention but just in case, how do I gently let single invitees know that I wish them not to invite a friend? Yes, I agree that along with married couples, equal consideration is given to couples of the same gender. Five of the couples are same-sex and five are male-female (married) couples. What I want to avoid is the single person bringing someone just to bring someone that I don’t know. If today, or in a few months hence, one of my single friends becomes a couple and it endures into Party Time, that person will be welcome, as well. Oh, it is sticky, isn’t it? My reasons are, to be totally frank with you, budgetary as well as social. Everyone invited knows all or most of the others, so no one is going to feel like the outsider having to make his/her own way. Also, these are all very social and well-traveled people and don’t easily feel intimidated by new people or situations.
Cordially,
C
SP loves destination events: weddings, birthdays, anniversaries, what have you. Admittedly the event above is one rarefied example, but should you be so lucky to receive such an invitation there is definitely something otherworldly about getting away to an exotic place ringing in life’s celebrations. The camaraderie of the coterie, the booze, the dinners, the skinny dipping, oh it does not get any better.
Now, on to the query as to the pruning of the guest list. SP completely understands a host’s desire to surround one’s self with friends on such an important occasions. On any guest list — a weekend hunt party or a baby shower notwithstanding — spouses are part of the deal and yes, there is a certain permanency to those relationships. A host is right in not wanting Harry Horndog bringing his trophy of the month to a party of intimate friends. Harry should know better and if this is his habit, you should feel free expressing your displeasure if this is what you feel.
As for SP, I often bring a guest with me to destination events and just as often prefer to navigate the event solo. It all depends on the group, the location, the event. But the decision is mine, you see. Singles are often offended on the rare occasions they are instructed not to bring a guest. It is as if these situations are “special” and the single will understand when instructed not to participate in life to the fullest merely because they are single.
In your budget plan you should account for every guest to bring a date. Period. Both members of a couple are of course, together and should not bring an additional couple. As for the caveat, if all of the friends are very close and the singles will know many people then I suppose it is ok. But when a single is expected to navigate a big event alone, it is a tall order. You should send the invitation to the singles and when your guests call to confirm, at that time you can tell them that you prefer just their company. If these are good friends they will understand and you will be able to judge each situation separately. For instance, if John and Julie –- or John and Robert for that matter — have been together for at least a year, it would seem cruel not to invite the companion.
Singles are often not considered in the preparations and parties. Often at dinner parties and weddings, singles are discounted or at the very least, last minute additions. Treat everyone like you want to be treated. An old cliché surely, hell it’s the Golden Rule, but still true today.
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this post has 2 comments
Hello!
You state in your last post – “Singles are often not considered in the preparations and parties. Often at dinner parties and weddings, singles are discounted or at the very least, last minute additions.”
I am one of those singles – an attractive 50-something who has remained slender and exercises faithfully (that’s one way to kill a few evening hours); who listens to the radio for stock market reports, NPR interviews, who watches religiously the History Channel, Discovery, National Geographic, and French foreign films to keep my language skills (not fluent, but advanced). I am an accomplished jazz and Latin guitarist and singer, and performed professionally for many years – though now earn my living in the corporate world. I read world news reports, and about 7-10 non-fiction books each year. I have developed a self-deprecating sense of humor, and am always on the lookout for silliness and light-heartedness in people. I was married once, have a beautiful, intelligent, laughing offspring who thrills me daily with unrestrained glee. The men I have dated feel uncomfortable with my desire not to drink, though I did for many years, and don’t mind at all if they imbibe.
I am rarely invited to events – I have tried being myself, a tad goofy and entertaining (as you have suggested) – and when that is met with too many cold stares from wives, I pedal backwards and am quiet – waiting until questioned about something before speaking. To keep from going nuts, I join many singles groups whose cause I support (Sierra Club, French clubs, church, etc.), and while I have no real interest in remarrying, I pretty much am never invited to dinners, etc. I have hosted several dinners, however, and have to scurry around for a date, so that I won’t look so strange.
I wish more people would think about Single People. We do have interesting stories to tell. We can spice things up at a party if for no other reason than it gives people the opportunity to guess whether or not you’ve become gay. What suggestions can you give me for not feeling so left out?
Signed,
C
Dear C,
First of all, you sound like a delightful dinner partner and my first thought is that perhaps the company you are keeping is not worthy of you. That said, new social groups are not the easiest thing to find, but the quest is not impossible. Keep your eyes and your mind open to new possibilities as they present themselves. Take a chance and seek new people. When we attend new places with new people it is always wise to guage the room before jumping in and offering full frontal personality. It is the wise guest who reads the room, the guests, the tone, and responds accordingly. If this is your routine, you should fit in fine. It doesn’t hurt to save a little personality for the next gathering. Always leave them wanting more.
As for being invited places, the first rule is to take the initiative and do the inviting yourself. Host your own dinner parties and drinks parties and invite the intersting people you like. Don’t invite people you think you should invite, but rather the guests you want to invite. Then, by order of social obligation, you should be invited to their events. If, by some chance the expected invitation does not arrive, chalk it up to bad chemistry and move on. There are many ways to skin the social cat. And there are many people who will appreciate your brand of goofy.
Cordially,
SP
posted on June 3, 2009
D
261
“D”, seems to be stuck in a bygone world where women have to
wait to be invited and have to be on a man’s arm to have value.
As she says she is 50-something, she should know that single is
just as acceptable as being part of a couple. I’ve never been married and have never felt “out of it” because I never have
associated with people who think the only way to be is in a couple.
One thing I do know. In the world of couples, the woman runs the
social life of the couple (family) and therefore, if you and your spouse have been even very long time friends; if you get divorced, the man will continue to be invited to parties but the
ex-wife will not. Whether they want to admit it or not, women
are afraid you will steal their hubbies. That’s why D’s “goofy”
personality met with cold stares.
I number couples, gay and straight, among my friends but I’d
say most of my friends are gay men in a couple situation. These
are men who share my interests in opera, travel and fashion.
But I’d say, especially for a middle aged single woman, find
friends of any persuasion, who share your interests. Get away
from the corporate world, which is usually stodgy and usually
stuck in that mommy and daddy with kiddies world. That’s fine
but not for everybody. Fortunately, in this day and age, being
single is not a diminished state and there are more of us than
ever. Enjoy the freedom.
With Best Regards,
Cat
posted on June 3, 2009
Cat
260