To Toast or Not to Toast

A reader writes:
It seems the toasting at rehearsal dinners is getting out of hand.  Instead of a traditionally small number of people close to the bride and groom offering their thoughts, these dinners have become open-mic nights for anyone who has ever thought anything nice about their friends.  I suppose it’s a good problem to have, but eventually guests begin to pay more attention to their watches than the speakers.  I’d love to hear what you’ve got for us about the tradition of rehearsal dinners – who speaks, who doesn’t, who shouldn’t at all, some overlooked boundaries on things to say, etc. Also, and this is more of the reason for the note, I’d particularly like to know what you think that ladies and gentlemen are to do in these rehearsal toast free-for-alls.  Suppose a man is a groomsman along with seven or so others – should he give a toast or avoid adding to the excessive speaking? Of course this is the ever-present question of the civil person in an increasingly uncivil society.

Regards,
DP

Wedding season is around the corner. This fact, and the query from a reader, has SP thinking about this one ritual that seems to have escaped the creeping tide of Casual Fridays and lost traditions. Weddings are by design formal affairs. Even if they are not black tie, we still find comfort in the tradition of weddings.  The ceremony remains one of the only events left in our times still rigid in ritual. There are modern weddings, hippie wedding, California weddings, Cape Cod Weddings, beach weddings, destination weddings, even shotgun weddings, and these ceremonies can take many forms. But there are elements of all of these events, shotguns notwithstanding, that share common denominators: an official, a ring, a dress, and more often than not, a rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding and with that dinner come some boozy speeches.

Rehearsal Dinners are relatively new events in the wedding ritual seeing as in the not too distant past brides thought it bad luck to rehearse the wedding and would not attend the rehearsal, instead sending a stand in. The rules and traditions of the rehearsal dinner seem to come at the mercy of another new phenomenon, wedding planners. What was once a quiet little dinner at home for the wedding party has turned into an elaborate affair, especially at destination weddings.
In response to the readers query above, my first thought is that a rehearsal dinner is a rare occasion taking place on one night. Cannot we deal with this for one night which marks an important new phase in the life of a dear old friend or family member? Rehearsal dinners are typically only for the wedding party and perhaps the few especially close friends who come from far away just for the wedding. How many people can this be? The wedding reception the following night is the place for all the guests and friends to gather, not the rehearsal dinner. The exception to this would be at destination weddings where every night is a party and the guests must be entertained, including a big rehearsal dinner or some other party before the big event. My point is, everything in our fast-paced lives doesn’t have to be wham bam, in and out, let’s just get it over with. Some rare things in life do take time.

As for toasts at a rehearsal dinners, it should come as no surprise that SP is very fond of a big boozy speech replete with sentimental heart tugs and inappropriate remarks and awkward moments. What could be better, I ask you? I really live for these moments to tell you the truth. But that’s just my sappy side, so I digress.

The Rules: Toasts, and the control of such at a rehearsal dinner, fall under the duty of the best man. The rehearsal dinner is hosted by the groom’s parents or by the couple themselves if this is a casual affair, but the best man serves as a sort of Master of Ceremonies during the dinner. The best man begins the toasts himself after the groom’s father welcomes the guests. The duties of the best man are legion. First and foremost, he is the groom’s aide de camp before during and after the wedding ceremony.  His next most important responsibility is the flow of the rehearsal dinner. The best man should round up the speakers before hand and make a list of those he will call on to speak, and then he will gently move the speeches along. Should someone get out of hand and become really embarrassing or long-winded, he will be the one to rein it in. Toasts are made during dinner, not after.

As for the toast itself, unless you are by nature a gifted extemporaneous public speaker you should write out the toast in advance. This means working out a draft a few days ahead, practicing the speech on a friend and being prepared when your moment arrives. As for content, if you write this in the bright sober glare of the day, you won’t have to worry about stepping into inappropriate soil. Mention your relationship to the groom, tell an amusing anecdote from his past, tell him how lucky he is to find such an amazing woman and then praise the bride. If you’re the literary type, you could recite a short poem. But above all, keep the toast short, three minutes to five minutes max. Waiting to the night of the dinner will only produce a rambling, nervous, perhaps inappropriate speech and then, once the seal is broken, the other toasters will follow suit.  It’s better to memorize the toast, but it is certainly acceptable to read.

As much of a traditionalist as anything else, SP is not sexist. For a very long time, women were not considered when it came to the art of the toast. Traditional etiquette books do not encourage — in fact discourage — women from toasting at any event, especially a wedding or a rehearsal dinner. Unless she’s the bride of course in which case she would only be expected to respond to a toast. SP will have to respectfully disagree as this is not the case today. It is almost de rigueur these days for the Maid or Matron of Honor to rise right along with the best man and offer up her heart felt homage to her best friend with the bridesmaids following suit. To that end in the name of fairness, I have seen quite a few women carry on way too long and as equally inappropriately as the drunken men do. Inappropriate speechmaking, it seems, is not the domain of men alone.

As for being required to or feeling pressured to make a speech, this is traditionally only the purview of the best man and another very good old friend. Anyone else is extra and you shouldn’t feel pressured or guilty. It isn’t expected or necessary. Stand your ground and politely decline. Now as to what people start saying when they are smashed is a different story. I say enjoy the show.