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A reader asks, “SP, how do you cheek-kiss a woman to greet her?”
My first reaction to this question was to ask if you suddenly are about to find yourself at a fashion show or a high society ball? This act of cheek-kissing – or double kissing or air kissing as it sometimes called as the participants more often than not never touch lip to cheek only pretend to be kissing – was, for a long time, not witnessed in most normal circumstances and situations. Or so I thought. It seemed a pretty rarified world where cheek-kissing existed. But now, as I consider the question, I seem to recall people in all parts of the country and in all age groups kissing each other on the cheek, so perhaps the move is becoming more common and less pretentious. For this purpose, we are talking about American social situations when it would be appropriate for a man to kiss the cheek of a woman (or man) in a greeting or goodbye.
To begin with, let’s just recognize right off that bat that it’s a sticky business, this cheek-kissing. Don’t get me wrong, SP can smooch a cheek like nobody’s business, but SP also visits some pretty pretentious places. And I suppose no one ever sat me down and told me the rules. My dad certainly never said, “Son, you should learn the ABC’s of cheek-kissing.” Hell, I don’t think my father has ever cheek-kissed anyone except my mother. I suppose I learned the rights and wrongs from much observation and much experience. So, at the risk of dabbling in the minutia — who are we kidding? SP wallows in minutia — here we go.
As a rule, you should not be cheek-kissing women you don’t know or barely know or have just been introduced to, unless of course the woman initiates this. Just as a man does not reach to shake a woman’s hand, he does not lean in to plant a cheek-kiss unless she initiates this and she initiates this by turning her cheek to you in an open invitation. Then she may or may not kiss your cheek in return. And even then, invitation proffered, you should use discretion and caution. Women of a certain age (read Older than you) or younger girls should not be kissed unless you are very well acquainted. A safe rule is to stick to kissing the women of your age and generation and then again, only if the woman initiates the move.
Now, on to the actual act. It is not really a kiss, hence the air-kiss moniker. It is more like a brushing of the cheek, if there is any contact at all. NEVER plant your lips on her cheek or make any noticeable sound (the “mwa mwa” sound is an unbearable affectation). Cheek kissing should start on the right cheek, and then the left, if you are brazen enough to pull a double kiss, which again, is the height of pretention for a man in America to attempt. The actual act is usually more a cheek-brush than a cheek-kiss. I usually give a little whispered “so good to see you” or “how are you” in these circumstances in order to eradicate the awkwardness. And boy, let me tell you, it can get awkward. Coming and going, kissing and bobbing and weaving until you don’t know which way you’re turning.
SP recommends using the cheek-kiss sparingly, if you use it at all. And in most cases outside of the serious social cities, keep it to a one cheek minimum. If you aren’t comfortable just stick out your hand for a hand shake or nod in the direction of the person upon greeting. This will convey politeness and signal that you aren’t open to being kissed or wish to refrain from the ritual altogether. It is your prerogative after all, as well as being completely correct and even understandable.
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this post has 9 comments
It’s pretty common for me to kiss female friends on the cheek. They always involve contact, and are not air kisses. On rarer occasions, I even kiss female friends on the lips, although only if I know they’re comfortable with it. If I go to cheek-kiss them on a couple of occasions and each time I notice their lips tend to get pretty close to mine, I will take this as a sign of their comfort level and start kissing their lips.
posted on September 10, 2009
ron
702
The “rules” on this subject are so varied but what I’ve witnessed
over the years is: US, one kiss, and that’s only for friends, new
and old, and family; never in a business situation. In Europe, one
on each side and that can be in any situation, social, business or
gender. In Switzerland, however, it is usually THREE kisses: Right,
Left, Right.
As to the Japanese bow, it’s quite simple: The higher the position
or rank of the person with whom you engage, the lower one bows.
Same with the “Y” in Thailand and other South East Asian countries.
That is where one’s hands are as in prayer but with the thumbs pointed
towards one’s body. The higher the rank or age of the person to whom
you give this salutation, the higher one’s hands are to the body or face
and the lower the bow. But I am generalizing. These rules have arcane
variations. Even the Japanese language is spoken differently, depending
upon with whom one is conversing.
Here is a fun fact: The “air kiss” came into use in the mid to late ’60s, when
the bouffant or “helmet head” hair-do’s came into vogue. Not wanting to muss their own or their friends’ hair, the kisses, (one or two) were done
away from the cheek (and hair), and into the air.
posted on June 3, 2009
cat
265
When I worked for the Ballet in Austin cheek-kissing was the norm when socializing with the dancers. In my set (all in our mid-20s and just out of college) we cheek-kiss often – but I must say the frequency goes up with a few martinis. The rule here is, if you know someone well or they are “artistic” (such as dancers) it’s the thing to do. And who doesn’t want to be kissed on the cheek by a tall, lithe ballet dancer?
posted on May 18, 2009
Andrea
254
Personally, I think the air kissing thing is pretty lame. A kiss, to me, is a sign of closeness and deep affection. Besides my wife, I only kiss family members and close female friends – the latter kisses are always on the cheek, but always real kisses.
Since I really prefer not to kiss people I don’t feel particularly close to, I also don’t really care to put on displays of fake air kissing just for social purposes. That said, there are times I will defer to the wishes/feelings of the person, and if she clearly offers a cheek I will kiss her even if she’s not a close friend. But yes, it’ll be a real kiss. Short, sweet, gentle, and respectful, but real.
posted on May 5, 2009
Anonymous
215
It seems one must learn and follow the custom. In my experience the cheek or air kiss is more common on the East Coast than the West – but far from common on either coast in my experience; and who knows which is expected. I just assume if a person offers the cheek then they want it to be kissed.
In Mexico and many South American countries the cheek kiss is practically obligatory.
I try to read the situation and body language and comply with expectations.
posted on April 27, 2009
Michael
194
I really hate this – everyone has different rules.
Some women actually get peeved if you DON’T actually put your lips on their cheek, and of course some expect the “air” kiss.
Here’s my personal rule. I generally try to avoid them if at all possible. However, if you offer me a cheek, you’re going to get the real thing (tastefully, but the real thing).
Maybe it’s the Midwesterner in me, but if you don’t want a real kiss, don’t ask for one.
posted on April 20, 2009
DCLawyer
180
I was taught to learn a few of the basic customs and words of greeting for the people I meet in business and social situations. Since I travel regularly to France and deal with many French men & women in my business, the two cheek “air kiss” was something I learned early on. It’s more than a handshake and certainly less than an actual kiss: it’s a brief embrace with very little contact, and actually signals a level of acceptance that we Americans lack a clear way of demonstrating. My Japanese friends do this with a deeper bow (don’t worry… we’ll never get the subtleties of the bow. Just bow from the neck and they’ll appreciate your attempt.), my middle eastern friends with a hand on your shoulder. We have only the handshake.
posted on April 18, 2009
Sommelier
179
I don’t know if I agree that cheek kissing is as rare as you imply. Air kissing, yes (I’ve had a running joke of doing 2 air kisses–1 on each cheek–with my aunt for about the past 16 years). Around the time I turned 18 or 19 (essentially when I stopped being an obnoxious antisocial awkward teenager and began to have wine offered to me at family social events) my uncles greeted my with a sort of mini hug (no full body touching, more of a lean in in which we would touch one another’s upper arms with both hands) and giving me a kiss on the cheek.
When this first started happening I was very confused and a little agitated, because, like most social graces, you are never taught the protocol for something like this in a classroom or in any clear and straightforward way.
I’ve ended up figuring out that I’m supposed to offer my cheek, definitely not kiss back, and sort of lean in like doing a cheek-touching embrace. Now, my uncles are all in their 40s, and I am in my early 20s, so there is a bit of an age difference there. However, I am only blood-related to one of them, and the rest have married my mother’s sisters and are, therefore, not blood relatives.
Additionally, my good friend (and very distant cousin-I have an extraordinarily large family) is only four years older than I am and often greets women with a kiss on the cheek. He only does it to women of approximately his own age. Presumably, this is because women who are not around his age are either way too young for kissing to be appropriate or old-er enough that his kissing of them might seem presumptuous. He does only kiss women he is fairly well-acquainted with though–not new friends, or friends he sees on a regular basis (I don’t see my uncles that often either–I think frequency of interaction might play a part in this whole thing).
I’m sorry for the novel here, but I find this topic very interesting and have a bit of experience with it. Two more points worth noting: my family is not high society (nor blue-collar), and I personally find my friend’s and my uncles’ cheek kissing refreshingly civilized.
posted on April 16, 2009
TK
177
My wife loves to bring up this topic with me, as she lived in the Netherlands with her family for 5 years in her teens and her family and European friends are very found of the cheek kiss. The first rule for red-blooded American men is don’t offer the neck, there seems to be a natural response when approached and not expecting the cheek kiss to pull the head back, it’s very funny to watch once tuned into this action. It took me months of training not to offer “the neck” and now cheek kiss (although as SP so thoughtfully provided it is not actually a kiss, but more of a cheek to cheek touch) with the best of them! There is hope for all of us.
posted on April 15, 2009
MWAllen
178