Baboon at the Buffet

A Reader Writes:
Please comment on buffet etiquette. I refer to a fine table laden with food on silver platters and crystal bowls. I am witnessing more and more people leaving their used plates and glassware on the buffet table. I am witnessing people using their forks to spear food and eat it tableside rather than to use the serving utensil! I am also witnessing guests arriving drink in hand… the awful red plastic cup! As if attending a fraternity function! I don’t take it personally but it seems a bit of an insult to someone who took weeks to plan and execute an elegant party!
Thank you, E.

Dear E, First of all you should absolutelytake the exhibition of ill manners in your home personally, but of course be well-mannered enough never to show it. There seems so much to cover in your query; I don’t know where to begin. When deciphering levels of formality at a dinner party — even a buffet — so much depends on the method the invitation was delivered (email, text, telephone or card?), the time of day (is dinner called for 6:00 or 8:00?) your friends (how old are they and how well do you know them?),  the location (the beach? the country? the city?), what time of year is it? et al.
     Of all of these variables, the one thing that does not change is the expectation of civility when we choose to entertain in our homes. It is a grand and noble gesture to open one’s house for guests, especially for such an event as a dinner party. The work is tremendous as well as anxiety ridden. Will the guests show? Will they all get along and have a good time? Will the food be not terrible? Will there be enough? Is my house big enough and nice enough to even deign to entertain? Believe me, SP is well aware of the palpitations.
Now I have to ask, what goon leaves a dirty dish on a buffet table? I am assuming there is another table set aside, or that the kitchen is close by, or you have a little household help with the clearing. If there is not an easily accessible spot on which to place dirty dishes then it is the host’s fault for not thinking of that. Another question. Who stands around a buffet table stabbing food from a serving plate with his fork like an island fisherman and putting it into his mouth? In this case you are absolutely permitted (and required) to smoothly pull up alongside the barbarian and gently take the serving utensil, place the food on his plate then discreetly hand him the tool to finish on his own. Just as you would serenely teach an ignorant child, practice the same patience with an ill-mannered guest. The only exception to this I can think of would be a casual fondue party where each guest has his own little fondue fork and is thereby required to eat at the serving table.
     It is usually easier to pre-empt disasters by taking firm but quiet control of the situation. Remember if the host sets the tone and offers direction, the guests will follow. Make an announcement that dinner is served. “The buffet is ready. Julia, please start here and then take a seat in the dining room” (or patio or living room). I think we forget how much direction people really need. A lot, it turns out.
     As for arriving at the door with a drink in hand, it is unsuitable behaviour at a dinner party. But, SP has a confession to make. SP loves a roadie. SP even loves those plastic red cups, especially in college (they hold so much booze!). If you double them they serve as a thermos, keeping your drink cold and your hands warm and dry. Although, I have recently switched to recycling coffee go-cups (or you can buy them in the grocery store). They have that snug little top with the sipping slot so you don’t spill precious cargo. And no one ever suspects you are nursing a Grouse on the rocks.  Oh wait, digression. One should never walk to the door of a dinner party with a roadie in hand. It just isn’t right and falls toward the depth of incivility. Throw the cup away in the can or leave it in the car (that someone else drove, of course). Now thank you for writing in E, I am sure I’ve said more than I intended.

SP recommends: The perfect host or hostess gift is a Dinner Party Book from Aspinal of London. Or a bottle of my favorite scotch, The Famous Grouse.